(00:00) If a woman does not force him to make a long-term commitment to marry in general, he doesn’t like we have been extraordinarily duped. Hi and welcome back to Reclamation Radio. I am Dr. Kelly Broen and today boys and girls I have a book report for you as I am want to do because there is some very essential material in a book called men and marriage the subtitle is civilization is built by men with families to feed by George Gilder.
(00:41) It’s a book from the8s and actually this ‘8s version is an updated version of a book called Sexual Suicide, which is essentially a feminist takedown. And there were perspectives in here that echo from obviously a man’s voice so much of what I am coming to in my own process in my own evolution in my own pendulation between different polarities and perspectives in this lifetime which is that our greatest fulfillment in this human experience lies in the alignment with our natures with our essence and it doesn’t mean that we can’t cultivate the
(01:26) antithesis right the polarity but I do think that there is a a beckoning an invitation that is calling us back home to our native roles men as producers as he says and women as reproducers breeders the ultimate insult So I want to start with a quote from the book and I will be sharing many quotes because this is very eloquently written and I couldn’t have said it better myself.
(02:03) So he says more than ever before society needs today a real feminist movement that asserts the primacy of female nature in marriages and families. So like so many feminists, I too believed that marriage was a constraint that you sometimes found yourself in a position to be liberated from. In my clinical practice over a decade, I saw an almost 100% divorce rate.
(02:35) I was happily married at the time and certainly had no special agenda to encourage or engender divorce in my outcomes. I observed it and I made sense out of it by considering the possibility that these women were medicated at some stage in their lives which arrested their development. And as they began to integrate whatever was left by the side of the road, they would turn to their partner and say, “Well, I don’t know if I would choose you in this current incarnation.
(03:04) ” So it just made sense to me that there are some relationships that remain at the headstone of your former self and I thought of this as a fact of modern life. The impact however of sexual liberation and feminism on sex roles, what we perceive to be normative, what we value, and the confusion that we experience as women in heterosexual relationships where we are not really sure whether we would rather be respected or cherished.
(03:41) The impact of these movements is not to be underestimated. And society, according to Gilder, is adopting what he calls an unmarried male pattern, which is a descriptor of the sexual cycles that men engage. And these sexual cycles that are really represented by a kind of hunting, a kind of chasing, a kind of conquest, a kind of bodyto body experience are fundamentally at odds.
(04:14) But he goes in to describe how these are actually complimentary with a woman’s sexual cycles which are longevity oriented. And in a previous podcast uh book report that I did on Louise Perry’s work, I talked about the research on the preference that women have for monogous pairings relative to men who are interested in more sexual variety.
(04:42) So this isn’t just conjecture. There’s actually folks who’ve been studying this fact. So he says that society is adopting an unmarried male pattern and it’s leading to the destruction of the family unit. The severing of the connection between a woman and her biology and competition that results then between men and women and women and women.
(05:09) I would go so far as to say that this competition also starts to arise between women and their children, be they daughters or or sons. And you could say, okay, well, we are experimenting with our own power, right? Our own status as women. And it’s better to be able to have a bank account and pay taxes and vote than it would be to just, you know, submit to the role of a wife and mother. I prefer this.
(05:37) Well, are we really happier? And I know that there is a lot of research uh that I will be exploring in a future podcast uh that suggests we’re not actually. I don’t have to go any farther, however, than the stats I’ve known for the better part of 15 years that one in four women are psychiatrically medicated. So, no, we are not doing well.
(05:58) We’re not doing well. And we could blame all sorts of factors, but suffice it to say that this pattern, this unmarried male pattern, which I’m going to get into, is not serving us. And Gilder would say it’s not serving men either, and it’s not serving children. So in looking at the role of marriage and you know I talk a lot about marriage in this podcast and so I probably don’t need to repeat myself when I am referencing marriage not as the legal contract but as the covenant as the devotion of two people to an egregor two people to something
(06:37) greater than themselves the commitment to a container that serves both individuals. you know who are oriented devotionally towards the container. Yes to one another and moreover to the container. So it’s really my interest in containers and where it is that we can generate the conditions for safety for ourselves as women in society so that we are not needing men to change.
(07:07) We are not needing laws please to change. We’re not needing anything to change other than to navigate by our own intuition, our own desires and preferences, and to align with our choices. So aligning with our choices to commit to specific men, aligning with our choices to have the children that we ultimately birth and to resolve the gaslight that says we can be career women, providers and also mothers and also wives.
(07:51) So in my interest in these containers, marriage is a a ready uh source of that kind of energy in our lives. Right? So the concept that marriage serves right that it serves men, women and children and moreover it serves civilization, it serves society so that we can walk safer in the world. uh it’s it’s predicated on the notion that there is a sacrifice on the part of both the woman and the man that serves their greater fulfillment.
(08:26) So a woman might sacrifice her early career ambitions and her sexual freedom so that she can experience the true fulfillment of her role as wife and mother. And men subordinate their sexuality to a woman’s maternity so that he can better access his own success, achievement, and purpose in the world. Then we’ll get more into how that looks in a man who is married versus a man who is single.
(08:58) So Gilder talks about the heroic transcendence of the most powerful drives of men which are to hunt, to wander, to conquest. So the transcendence of these drives like this is what men would be up to on their own hanging out with other men. In the transcendence of these drives, we integrate men into society, into civilization, into the community.
(09:26) And he says that it’s family that integrates men fundamentally into the community. So he says marriage asks men to give up their essential sexuality only as part of a clear scheme for replacing it with new far more important and ultimately far more sexual roles, husband and father.
(09:49) Without these roles, a woman can bear a child, but the man is able only to screw. He can do it a lot. But after his first years, it will only get him unthreaded. And in the end, he is disconnected and alone. In his shallow heats and frustrations, he all too often becomes a menace to himself and his community. So seamos has become quite a thing lately, and I love myself a therapeutic food over a supplement any day.
(10:16) But there’s seamos, and then there’s my fave, samati seamoss. So most people don’t realize that mineral deficiency is one of the biggest drivers of imbalance. Whether you’re experiencing that as fatigue or weight gain or cravings. So unless you’re growing your own food, it doesn’t contain almost by definition the spectrum of minerals that our ancestors enjoyed.
(10:37) So that’s why I am excited about samadei seaoss. It’s not your typical store-bought rope farmed seaoss. It’s 100% wild and it’s harvested by Caribbean divers from super clean waters, ensuring purity and also ecological respect. It contains over 90 bioavailable minerals and vitamins, many of which are hard to get even in a very high quality diet.
(11:03) Plus, it’s a natural collagen booster and prebiotic, making it an effortless way to support the gut, your skin, and your overall vitality. So, I take 1 to 2 tablespoons a day in warm water that I also put a little bit of sea salt in and lime or lemon. Key lime is actually my favorite. And I noticed a shift in my digestion after just a week.
(11:23) The best part is that it tastes like nothing, which makes it super easy to add to your routine. So, if you want to experience the benefits yourself, Samade is offering 10% off with the code kelly10. Check out the link in show notes and enjoy. So, what is a woman’s role? This is mostly what you’ve heard me focus on in the reclaimed woman and in subsequent uh podcasts is on a woman’s power to cultivate the experience relationally that she wants to have with other women, with her man, and with her children without those folks being involved,
(12:03) right? without needing to get them to see or understand that we have this power and part of accessing this power is understanding where our responsibility lies. So, Gilder talks about women as being sexually superior because of the role that we play in the fabric of society and the capacity that we have to integrate these men into families and therefore society to inspire in them purposedriven behavior that contributes to all of our lives.
(12:41) and the dependency fundamentally the vulnerability that men have when it comes to the life cycle, right? That we can largely do it without them for the most part, right? And that it’s a dispensable role like any man’s sperm will do kind of a thing if we don’t appreciate the synergy and the capacity for complimentarity that we have as men and women.
(13:09) So when we imagine that our responsibility and our role is to act as providers to bring our half or our whole to the table uh in terms of our productivity when we imagined that it is our responsibility to express our mission, our purpose and to uphold these fundamentally masculine values, we are devaluing a man’s role. So he says, “If society devalues this male role by pressing women to provide for themselves, prove their independence and compete with men for money and status, there is only one way equality between the sexes can be maintained.
(13:50) Women must be reduced to sexual parody. They must relinquish their sexual superiority, psychologically disconnect their wombs, and adopt the shortcircuited copulatory sexuality of males. Women must renounce all the larger procreative dimensions of their sexual impulse. In a podcast uh that I did with Omar Ponyi, you know, he talked about like what an extraordinary agenda is behind divesting the females of a species from their responsibility for the future of said species.
(14:27) to turn women against their role as mothers is the ultimate in disconnection from our female essence. So he talks about this disconnection from our wombs as being a necessary byproduct of our allowing ourselves to be colonized by male values and to bind ourselves to the goals and aspirations that those values uphold.
(14:59) So he describes and I’ve come to a very similar conclusion just organically in my lifecape uh as somebody who never ever so you know formerly only ever believed like do whatever the hell you want and what feels good and follow your impulses. I have also you know experienced the kind of status as a credentialed MD and a successful business owner.
(15:22) the kind of status that independence and self-sufficiency promise to uh confer, you know, that is um really prized by the contemporary uh feminist perspectives. And so, you know, I have a podcast called Reclamation of Courtship where I talk about what I have come to understand as our role as gatekeepers, our role as guardians of our own sexual energy and specifically access.
(15:55) So if we have a responsibility not only to ourselves to only have sex with men who fit the father provider archetype but also to society also to men right so that’s mostly what this book is about and I love it’s probably one of the first books that I’ve read by a man on this subject but I love um to to hear about the ways in which our taking responsibility for our uh sexual ess is actually a responsibility that we have to men and children and greater society.
(16:31) Right? So, so what does this really look like? He tells a story uh which I love because in uh the reclaimed woman I tell a story also um called the handless maiden and I think it’s the greatest depiction of the heroine’s journey that I’ve ever come across. and he tells a story in the beginning called The Princess and the Barbarian.
(16:50) And it’s essentially about this barbarian who is terrorizing this kingdom. And all of the men of the kingdom are essentially expending all of their resources to provide basic defense. And the kingdom is in is like a super dangerous and is in an unproductive state because of how assaulted, you know, they are by this single barbarian, this roaming barbarian who’s, you know, pillaging and whatever he’s doing.
(17:22) And how this princess who has like wander lust, she goes out into the night and encounters him and of course he falls madly in love and she limits his access to her, right? and she says no, this sacred no until and if he begins to civilize himself. So he instead of be being this nomadic warrior and you know somebody who’s conquesting and hunting and stealing, he begins to farm and he builds a cabin and ultimately they become king and queen and the entire kingdom thrives.
(17:59) Right? So this role is one that has been entirely inverted by the sexual liberation movement that suggests that we should find the same pleasure that men do when we like them, right? That it’s not any more significant or sacred to have sex than it is to engage in any other social activity. And the idea of waiting uh to have sex or allow for that kind of access to yourself until you are in a commitment whether that’s you know proposal level or or marriage day level or whatever that looks like for you to begin to assume your responsibility as
(18:40) guardian. What he expresses is that this is how we actually create a safer society for us as women. So he says the female responsibility for civilization cannot be granted or assigned to men. Unlike a woman, a man has no civilized role or agenda inscribed in his body. Although his relationship to specific children can give him a sense of futurity resembling the woman’s.
(19:06) It always must come through her body and her choices. The child can never be his unless a woman allows him to claim it with her or unless he so controls her and so restricts her sexual activity that he can be sure that he is the father. He cannot merely come back 9 months later with grand claims. He must make a durable commitment.
(19:26) Even then he is dependent on the woman to love and nurture his child. Even in the context of the family, he is sexually inferior because if he leaves the family may survive without him. If she leaves, it goes with her. He is readily replaceable. She is not. He can have a child only if she acknowledges his paternity. Her child is inexorably hers.
(19:49) His position must be maintained by continuous performance, sexual and worldly, with the woman, the judge. The woman’s position, on the other hand, requires essentially a receptive sexuality and is naturally validated by the child that cannot ordinarily be taken away. The man’s role in the family is thus reversible.
(20:08) The woman’s is unimpeachable and continues even if the man departs. The man’s participation in the chain of nature, his access to social immortality, the very meaning of his potency, of his life energy are all inexorably contingent on a woman’s durable love and on her sexual discipline. Only she can free the man of his exile from the chain of nature.
(20:32) Only she can give significance to his most powerful drive. So the essential pattern is clear. Women manipulate male sexual desire in order to teach men the long-term cycles of female sexuality and biology on which civilization is based. When a man learns his view of the woman as an object of his own sexuality succumbs to an image of her as the bearer of a richer and more extended eroticism and as the keeper of the portals of social immortality, she becomes a way to lend continuity and meaning to his limited erotic
(21:09) compulsions. I think that sounds pretty beautiful. So through this lens, the status that we thought we were after to achieve parody with men as providers is to dismiss and reject and even abandon the status that we have just honoring our own bodies, our energies, and the role that we have as stewards of the species. Right.
(21:43) So this also extends to our role as mothers because through this lens we’re not performing an optional role that can be replaced by subsidized daycare. The role of mother is paramount to the socialization of men and children and the life force of society. And the relationship between a woman, a mother, and her children becomes foregrounded as a way to shape and contribute to culture, to society, and to leave a legacy, a soulful legacy that is otherwise very difficult to cultivate when we are prioritizing our careers as women. when we are prioritizing
(22:29) hedonistic sexual play. And I mean it I literally I like shock myself saying these things. I I have to admit and it’s true. It’s just true. Like we have been extraordinarily duped. And again as as someone who is processing now like what it has meant to prioritize my career over my marriages, over my children and to get to this like pinnacle, right? as I said in a previous podcast where I’m like at this summit so to speak and I’m like looking around up here and I want to shout down to the other women who are still on that hustle
(23:06) and say like it’s not up here like turn back go home it’s not up here what we have been promised and that our status is conferred through our no right through our sexual no so he says here in a world where women do not say no The man is never forced to settle down and make serious choices, right? So this is how we are contributing to you know a a land of manchildren, right? This is how we are contributing to all those toxic narcissists, right? This is how not only in this but in other ways we are feeding the beast that
(23:49) then we feel chased and haunted by. So, the companion community and program to my new book, The Reclaimed Woman, is called Reclaimed. It is a step-by-step six-week approach to love your shadow, embody your feminine gifts, and to experience the specific pleasure of who you are. If you have followed all the good independent girl rules and you still feel overwhelmed, resentful, and disappointed, you may think that you need to practice or learn or study how to be more soft, slow, abundant, and pleasure-ledd as a feminine woman. Or
(24:26) you might think that you have to be brave and courageous and finally stand up for what’s yours. But the truth is that chasing femininity and fighting for power will just leave you more wired, judgmental, and disconnected. There’s a plot twist, a big reveal, and a hidden path that does not require rose petals and goddess circles or declaring yourself a queen or learning the tricks of a high value woman.
(24:56) You need a huge permission field that can be conferred by other like-minded andhearted women and perhaps my fairy dust to help you remember who you are. I want you to imagine what it would be like to feel a rush of pride as you decline an invitation without a trace of fear or defensiveness. or to sip your tea as you watch your husband fix the door hinge, feeling like the prize who won the prize, remembering when you used to think that you needed to show him how to do everything right.
(25:32) Or to feel the breeze move over your body and a wave of pleasure roll through you, opening your eyes wider to the dancing leaves and the light fragrance in the air. or to wait in the car line for your kiddo. Hear your phone ding with a notification and smile that you’re making 3K while mommying.
(25:54) Or maybe to feel the charge of a trigger move from your chest down to your stomach, letting it swirl until a smile creeps onto your face because you know now exactly what you need to create from this energy. or maybe to never be afraid of symptoms or illness again because you know that your body does not make mistakes.
(26:16) Let me show you how to claim the confidence, creativity, and pleasure that are already there awaiting the safe conditions to emerge in 6 weeks. The link is in show notes. I will see you in there. So he says his sex drive, the most powerful compulsion in his life, is never used to make him part of civilization as the supporter of a family.
(26:41) If we don’t say no, if a woman does not force him to make a long-term commitment to marry, in general, he doesn’t. It is maternity that requires commitment. His sex drive only demands conquest, driving him from body to body in an unsettling hunt for variety and excitement in which much of the thrill is in the chase itself. The man still needs to be tamed.
(27:07) Right? So we are in our gatekeeping of our own sexual access, the portal through which a boy is matured into a man and a man who does all these extraordinary things for us like what he writes here. So he says, “Men must give their lives to unrelenting effort day in and day out focused on goals in the distant future. They must create new technologies faster than the world creates new challenges.
(27:36) They must struggle against scarcity, entropy, and natural disaster. They must overcome the sabotage of socialists who would steal and redistribute their product. They must resist disease and temptation. All too often, they must die without achieving their ends. But their sacrifices bring others closer to the goal.
(27:56) Nothing that has been written in the annals of feminism gives the slightest indication that this is a role that women want or are prepared to perform. Amen. The feminists demand liberation. The male role means bondage to the demands of the workplace and the needs of the family. Let me say that again for the people in the back. The feminists demand liberation, right? And we say we want what men have.
(28:21) Okay? Well, the male role means bondage to the demands of the workplace and the needs of the family. Most of the research of sociologists complains that men’s work is already too hard, too dangerous, too destructive of mental health and wholeness. It all too often leads to sickness and worlds of pain, demoralization, and relatively early death.
(28:42) The men’s role that feminists seek is not the real role of men, but the male role of the Marxist dream in which society does the work. So he and others talk about the the henchmen essentially there are many of this feminist and sexual liberation agenda which is the role of statism of these kinds of Marxist ideals where quote unquote society plays the essential woman and man roles so that human beings you know sexually indistinct can just become become better cogs.
(29:23) Right? So, uh this concept of bureogamy is where the state actually becomes the provider to single mothers. So when women are incentivized to have illegitimate children so that they can get uh support that surpasses what most men in their demographic could offer, these men are cuckolded, right? And this appears to be, you know, socioeconomic problem of these families uh falling apart because nobody has enough money, right? And the men aren’t providing the way that they should.
(30:09) But the assault on the family unit and the assault on providership and the incentivizing of the state to provide for women seems to be the greater rot at the core. And so in this way, you know, mothers are being replaced by daycarees and fathers are being replaced by welfare checks and apparently there’s nothing to see here.
(30:35) So what if the perception that men are fundamentally violent and fundamentally untrustworthy and fundamentally like these menaces to society? What if the root cause driver of that version of male expression is in our own availability to procreate with these men who are incompletely actualized, who have not been incentivized to make something of themselves.
(31:05) So in the sexual liberation culture where marriage is sort of something that’s easily dissolved and 70% of divorces are initiated by women, we can lure higher status men out of their marriages. So we can basically look around and find these men who are already successful and we can seduce them out of their marriages and they may very well leave their wives for us.
(31:30) And what happens in this culture is that then we will become the victim potentially of that same phenomenon. So that we end up being these late life divorcees. And who is actually benefiting from this? It’s not men who would be actualized through access to a woman they sexually desire or love and want to marry and procreate with.
(31:55) Right? Those men are robbed of the opportunity to experience their potential through you know a woman’s maternity. Women are suffering and the the ones who benefit are powerful men who get to have you know in many men’s fantasies like one after another after another new bile woman right like one after another a woman in the prime of her youth and this is what we are supposedly benefiting from as sexually empowered women.
(32:34) So he says at this point economic incentives and bureaucratic rules alone are impotent to make a man a useful citizen. He becomes law-abiding and productive in essence because he discovers it is the only way he can get sex from the woman he wants or marriage from the one he loves. It is the sexual constitution, not the legal one, that is decisive in subduing the aggressions of young men.
(33:01) So he talks about how unmarried men are statistically significantly more prone to addiction, to criminality, and married men earn 70% more than single men or single women. So there is something about what gets ignited in a man through the commitment of marriage and fatherhood that drives his productivity in a way that we don’t see.
(33:33) So essentially his point is that without a durable relationship with a woman, a man is in his rudimentary masculine expression and without this durable relationship, a woman is disconnected from her source of deep fulfillment. So he says a woman’s role is deeply individual. Only a specific woman can bear a specific child and her tie to it is personal and unbreakable.
(34:06) When she raises the child, she imparts in privacy her own individual values. She can create children who transcend consensus and prefigure the future. She is the vessel of the ultimate values of the nation. The community is largely what she is and what she demands in men. She does her work because it is of primary rather than instrumental value.
(34:30) The woman in the home with her child is the last bastion against the amorality of the technocratic marketplace when it strays from the moral foundations of capitalism. He says, “A woman’s moral sense is not merely an equal counterpoint to masculine ideals, stemming from her umbilical link to new life itself and from a passionate sense of the value and potential of that life.
(34:54) The woman’s morality is the ultimate basis of all morality. The man’s recognition of the preciousness and equality of individuals is learned from women and originates with the feminine concern for relationships beginning in the womb and at the breast. This concern contrasts sharply with his own experience of hierarchy and preference, aggression and lust, and the sense of sexual and personal dispensability he experiences as a single man.
(35:23) Just as outside male activity is regarded in all societies as most important in instrumental terms, women’s concerns are morally paramount by the very fact that they are female part of the unimpeachable realm of life’s creation and protection. I’m not sure there is something more important to remember in this moment of our collective remembrance as women that the primacy of our role is where our deep connection to God, to nature, to ourselves can be found.
(36:05) and that the reclamation of our responsibility is one of the most efficient ways to create the safe world that we long to live in. So, I hope this was interesting. Hi, talk to you [Music] soon. [Music] Feel good.
