(00:00) hi and welcome back to Reclamation radio I am Dr Kelly Brogan and what I love about my containers is that the women I attract always have some audacious questions to ask me so it’s my intention for the musings that I share on these topics to grow the permission field of what’s possible and also to offer relatable reframes that can Jailbreak you from your victim stories so you might notice that I’m a bit more familiar and free when I’m answering these questions in our private spaces so take a listen and I hope you’ll take the opportunity to
(00:35) submit your questions to me in my membership vital life project today’s question how do I respond to my husband when he says that I’m projecting an inv victim Consciousness and that I’m acting too masculine I have done this right I have done this I have been this person who says you know you’re just projecting or you’re just triggered right or you’re SE in your victim right now and the year to masculine thing that gets levied at women uh is is a pretty common I think phenomenon now that we have an expressed desire as women and
(01:15) most men support this desire in you know heteronormative dynamics that women want to soften into their feminine right so that means if you’re if you’re acting in a way that I don’t like and I’m your man well then I can just divest myself of personal responsibility for my experience and I can make you bad and wrong by using the colloquial slander of you are too masculine right I’ve also gotten that one so this is a very familiar territory on both sides for me and I do think that it’s the shadow of pop psychology is that we learn some of
(01:57) these phrases and it just becomes S A an intellectual approach to blaming and shaming because to tell it’s like you know Byron Katie right she says if you think that somebody needs therapy you need therapy and I love that because it’s so true it’s so true right if you think you know better so so if your husband thinks he knows well I guess okay so let me offer some Nuance because if you are with a husband and you’re in a polarized dynamic part of the contract is he does know better actually than me how I can decision make right what it is
(02:38) that I might need that that’s actually part of a polarized contract in my opinion and your version of it is that you can int it and feel and sense perhaps better so you have this perception of each other’s blind spots that can be so compatibly designed right that would be like an Imago match that you are specific speically sensitive to the things that he can’t see and he is specifically sensitive to the things that you can’t see yikes right and there is an Artful way to working with those sensitivities and this is why in
(03:19) relationship in that diad each person even if the man’s role is to contain you right so your husband’s role is to offer you containment right to offer you that grounding energy of my living as a man my being as a man is a grounding for your system woman okay and that he knows what it is that you need to come back into yourself the unwritten you know sort of like uh language is that you are each responsible for self-containment as a woman if you are experiencing thing blinding emotional overwhelm you need to come into my
(04:05) containers okay and you need to learn how to be with yourself how to husband yourself because blind emotional overwhelm hysterical emotional overwhelm is an uncontained state for a man or a woman but for a woman to be in it’s no one’s responsibility to manage that for you the self-containment that is required to to self soothe to offer orientation right to assess what is needed will then be the perfect match for you to allow emotions to flow through you right um sometimes it’s called revealing emotions without
(04:47) residue right so if you feel in your body something that he’s just so he says this thing like you know you’re too masculine you could come back with your retaliation or you could just be like uh ouch no narrative no chitty chat about it right so revealing right like sometimes revealing might be like a scream of frustration right but it’s spontaneous it’s like moving through you like that wave I told you about earlier right doesn’t come with a whole Litany of you know evidence that is only possible when you have a practice of
(05:25) self-containing which means that you know how to create the conditions for your own container your own stabilization right you know what you need so that your feelings can be honored I needed to leave the room during that talk okay so that is what just think about like the P you know the sort of like husband and wife on the wedding cake right like that husband if he had been there right might have escorted me out of the room feeling that my system was not doing well sitting there right so how do I offer that to
(05:59) myself we have that responsibility and men have a specific responsibility in my opinion to self-contain so that they can offer containment because that is their gift right that is what it is that they bring to bear for Society at large men women and children right they do this for everyone so self-containing looks the same it looks like what do I need what do I need right now so that I can be with whatever the hell is inside of me and not make it somebody else’s responsibility so in those moments where he is potentially levying that
(06:37) terminology it’s possible that he does not have the practice being with what it is that’s going on inside of you and he wants you to change wants you to be different maybe wants you to be bad and wrong I don’t know for what it is that you are doing whereas an another opportunity you know that could present itself is for him to attune to what’s going on in your system or situation and offer you you know what is needed right do you need his firm grasp on your arm and for him to just look into your eyes like command you in that way do you need
(07:19) you know to be corrected right like do you need to be reoriented does he need to guide the situation lead the situation somehow bring wise action to bear so the creative responsibility of the dominant partner is immense I mean it’s part of why it is so unappealing to me you know to remain in that kind of inverted polarity Dynamic right because the dominant partner it’s a lot to attune all the time attend all the time and then resource within to provide what it is that is needed sometimes it takes training right
(07:56) and that’s why I refer a lot of men to my teacher om Rani because he does that kind of training so what do you do when he’s you know unable perhaps to hold his own reactivity inside and so he’s judging and condemning your behavior and telling you that you know what you’re doing is this or that or the other the answer is always to stay in your lane and focus on yourself right because otherwise you’re going to take the bait and you’re going to just do the same thing to him right and focus on how he’s not doing the the thing and he should be
(08:31) doing this and he needs to go take a training with Omani or whatever right so when you stay and this is where the surrendered wife comes in again and again and again when you stay in your lane and you focus on your self and you are interested in what makes you happy and feels good to you and following your desire prioritizing your pleasure you take a lot of the focus out of the interstitial space between you where a lot of us as women can get very hyper neurotically oriented and then you give him the base and regard and respect
(09:14) to potentially rise into this more self-possessed archetype mature into it even and that’s what I see through her testimonials and I’ve seen even in my girlfriends you know who are partner doing this kind of work choosing to focus on appreciation choosing to focus on respect choosing um to no longer micromanage their man’s behavior and imagine that they know better how he should be acting right the miracle manifestation that comes from that is exactly what you want I mean that’s like the it’s a tough pill to swallow right
(09:53) so like what emerges from that space of allowing him to to fail if you will is the success and that is where and how you saying you know what when you use all this you know Kelly said this is just pop psychology rejection of your own emotions or whatever right like it’s it’s not going to get you where you want to go and where you want to go you C you can arrive at and I would say to anyone these days I you know if only I had known what I know now kind of a thing when I was in practice and I had a literally 100% divorce rate from
(10:31) beginning to end of work with me but never because I was encouraging it but just because I thought oh this is like a phenomenon right you you you start a relationship on meds you get off the meds and you don’t want to be in the relationship that just makes sense to me and now I see especially when there are children involved that there is an opportunity and if you leave shy of exercising this practice you just never really saw what was fully possible and you know it is what it is but this practice of you know behavioral
(11:01) surrender that is outlined in in that book is requires self-containment and vulnerability and the only reason you’d ever offer that to yourself is because it’s the way to get what you want that’s literally why and it happens to be the case that there is a way to get what you want that also actually serves the other person and that’s called a win-win right rather than a zero sum game where you getting what you want means that they you know have to relinquish what it is that they want so I think there’s a lot of power there and
(11:40) you know I just want to validate what I see you sharing because I get how that feels been on the receiving end of it I’ve also been on the giving end of it and when you say you know to someone you’re arguing with like you know you’re just projecting on me you’ve abandoned yourself your feeling state to go assess and judge how they’re being we all do this and it’s it is what it is however there is a way to stay with your self and to recognize what are my choices here right my responsibility is to be with regulate manage however you
(12:18) want to phrase it my own inner system but what are my choices here right and then and which one do I want to exercise that is how not to take the bait it’s very very very challenging not to take the bait of making somebody bad and wrong just so that you can exercise your power of choice and she would say Laura Doyle would say fundamentally choose are you in or are you out you in the marriage or do you want to leave if you want to leave you leave but if you’re in act like you chose this man because you did right and that is so powerful to me
(12:54) because I can’t tell you how many women I know who just stay to F it’s like a ritual they stay to ferment their victimhood and then both parties are doing that and this is honestly this is where they want us if I’m you know to be direct about it because when that diad is broken down we got problems and that’s what we have we have some problems right but when it is is strengthened we have a free energy technology available to us and it does there’s some plot twists here for sure trust me they’re shocking for me as well
(13:27) so people love to ask me questions and I love to ask questions of others because inquiry is play but some of my interviews and answers are too hot to handle for Reclamation radio so in my membership vital life project I have created a private podcast that gets delivered to wherever you listen to podcasts where I answer your questions that arise because of my provocative subject matter and I also share interviews that might otherwise be censored that I call the sovereignty Series so you’ll get access to these
(13:59) private podcasts and a private chat by joining my membership vital life project I’ll see you in there [Music]
