(00:02) we have been duped by feminism sexual Liberation and anti-depressants we have been told that we are powerful and free now as women but we feel tired wired and bitter we’re mostly eating right exercising and meditating wrangling to-do lists and arranging playdates and yet there’s a haunting holess beneath the huge complaint what if I told you that there is a huge Storehouse a reservoir of energy inside of you that has not been tapped that you could feel light and pulsing excited and alive in ways that a wellness lifestyle
(00:49) cannot deliver that you could trust yourself that the world could feel safe and that unexpected and expected Delights could start to illuminate your path no coach therapist doctor or Guru required just you learning to get real present and attentive with you I feel like I’m here to matchmake your inner parts for the greatest love affair ever written I want to help you learn first where you’re buying eggs from the hardware store which is the source of all pain I want to help you master entering through the upset which is the
(01:27) only spiritual practice You’ll Ever Need and to get real comfortable putting on your villain Crown which is in my opinion the key to True power and then you’ll attune to your inner yes so you can live the life defined by the specific pleasure of who you are I am so excited to announce my latest book called The reclaimed woman which is available for pre-order now so if you head to the link in show notes you can learn more about bonuses events and companion offerings and I cannot wait to see your gorgeous face on the
(02:07) [Music] path I’m Dr Kelly Brogan you may know me as a New York Times bestselling author of a book with an exploding pill on the cover Renegade psychiatrist P dancer or honorary member of the disinformation doesn’t what can I say I’m a born provocator I’ve spent most of my recent life exposing deceptions connecting dots and discovering the secret places my inner victim is still waiting to be liberated and now I feel called to help you reclaim all of your parts your health your sexuality your power and your expression so that you can finally
(02:46) truly own yourself I want to ignite in you that inner knowing and the pulsing Vitality that lives beneath your disempowerment disconnection and resentment so that you can audaciously courageously and playfully alchemize your struggle into the specific pleasure of who you are this is Reclamation radio a soulfire production hi I’m Dr Kelly Brogan and welcome back to Reclamation radio today I would love to address the topic of courtship and set the stage for the Reclamation of cour ship to be specific so if you are somebody who is interested
(03:36) in The Crucible of monogamy and in the sacred technology of marriage then modern hookup culture and over 50% divorce rates probably make for a pretty daunting landscape couple that with our disconnection from our own intuition particularly as women and if becomes really hard how to know when you’ve chosen the right partner for this lifelong journey so in my clinical practice I witnessed an almost 100% divorce rate from beginning to end of psychiatric medication tapers for reasons that made a lot of sense to me
(04:21) right you chose a partner in one suppressed State of Consciousness you have this Awakening experience and you look around yourself and you say okay well this is not for me and I am complete with this chapter of my life and I really didn’t have a perspective on the matter and nor did I have tools to offer anybody other than couples counseling and it wasn’t until I discovered Laura Doyle’s work and read the surrendered wife and then her second book The empowered wife and listened to a number of her podcasts that I realized
(04:54) that in so many ways she is to the institution of marriage you know what I am to Psychiatry perhaps you know where she has all of these outcomes and testimonials and the proof that her methodology works and it is very basic and involves women reclaiming their power to exact meaningful and measurable change in their marital Dynamic and specifically to get off the fence right to choose to be in the relationship and act like you actually chose this man or to leave and there’s a lot of overlap with Omar Pony’s work and David data’s
(05:33) work and this idea that women have the choice to get into their lanes and when they do there is a natural polarity that comes into form and many many have written and spoken about this complimentarity this polarity whether you look at it as Consciousness meeting love light safety and emotion constancy and dynamism appreciation ation and admiration enthusiasm and attention there are so many different ways to characterize this polarity and it is the inversion of this polarity where a woman is is afraid fundamentally and is in her compensatory
(06:18) control-based defenses to recruit a rudimentary experience of safety for herself and a man is in a motherson dynamic with her where he is in appeasement and emasculated and fundamentally disempowered the inversion of polarity is the root of all marital suffering and all romantic suffering probably and what I see very often is that women choose to engage sexually and romantically and make their energy available to men in the courtship phase before there is a marriage proposal time goes on and then they ask where is the marriage proposal
(07:03) or they express their explicit desire or they deliver an ultimatum and the man then proposes and everything seems wonderful however at that point it’s possible that he proposed out of appeasement to make her happy and not because he was in his masculine predatory energy of making a claim on this woman as his own which in the modern era in the historical era in the ancestral era in every single culture has looked like marriage and claiming a woman for his marital property however you want to look at that right and it endures to this day it
(07:43) is a part of our Collective unconscious and if he is not inspired to lay that predatorial claim on that woman by initiating the marriage proposal on his own unoted uncoerced and unencouraged then if he does it’s often because she asked for it and they enter into a dynamic where women are then with men they don’t respect or feel safe with and men are with women who cut them down and degrade them and often there is the ultimate Divergence so I’ve come to wonder you know is there something in the courtship window that we can look at
(08:25) is there some way that we are participating in this Mutual disempower that we are somehow choosing partners and mates that we might not otherwise or maybe we’re missing opportunities with partners and mates that are potentially very fulfilling for us and it’s because we have wandered off the path of polarity supportive courtship and the balance of power between men and women in heterosexual marital oriented Dynamics so I’ve come to wonder if it’s possible that men are in charge of the status of the relationship in this
(09:08) courtship window that men are the ones who initiate the relationship and that women are in charge of access to sex right and that there are these roles that are sub or semiconscious established such that if women choose to offer their sexuality and access to their sex prematurely or before there is clear claim then the power dynamics are already set up for a mothers son Dynamic there already is a detriment to the future of the relationship so I’m just going to put this out there what if we didn’t have sex before there was a marriage proposal
(09:58) what if we didn’t have sex and until marriage so maybe I’ve been watching too much Outlander that’s highly possible if you want to know why I’ve been watching it again and again you can listen to my I love Outlander podcast on the subject however I think there is something here and especially in the protestation you know like what comes up right these ideas that you need to you need to sample the goods right like you need to have evidence that someone is right for you you need to see hisop you need to know what the fit is like like all of
(10:33) these things right you need to have an experience of what it is that you’re signing up for but I also wonder if that is something that flies in the face of the ultimate power of a woman’s intuition and obviously I’m going to speak to women as a woman because I’m pretty sure that we don’t need any evidence and especially if you’ve gotten clear and you have done the work of establishing communication between your parts when your parts come to a consensus all of your parts that deep deep deep sense of whether somebody is a
(11:09) yes or a no your perception of red flags and how they feel in your body and that knowingness you know from yourself with the capital S and the man in front of you literally at your first date is somebody that you know is a soul partner for you do you really need to know what it’s like to him because odds are you already have a very good sense intuitively and you don’t need validation for your intuition when you think back on your sexual partners I am going to guess that you knew from the beginning from early interactions what
(11:51) they would be like as lovers and anyway is this some sort of like ones or zeros performance or is this somebody that you intend to merge and grow with in the experience of your own sensuality sexuality and embodiment so what are the real reasons to have sex with somebody before it’s clear that there is a commitment on the table I’m having a harder and harder time coming up with any and it’s of course no coincidence that my girlfriend Aya introduced me to the work of Rabbi Manis fredman so if you had told me that I was going to be
(12:35) watching many a YouTube and then reading a book by a rabbi on the subject of intimacy and marriage several years ago I would have been pretty shocked however I take messages from all Messengers so I wanted to share a little bit about some of the highlights that I have learned from his work which I’ve really enjoyed and it’s likely possible that like me you are somebody who hasn’t given a lot of deep consideration to the ritual of marriage its nature and why it is such a big deal so a disclaimer is that I certainly am not in support of the legal
(13:21) marriage license and the commodification of a connection between two people by the state Okay so so when I am talking about it I am talking about the commitment perhaps even a contract between you two a ceremony and the experience of choosing another on this level and creating an egregore right creating this third body that you are both in Devotion to I love what I learned through Marine Selen in her book on family consolation about the three yeses of healthy love the three yeses being a full and total 100% yes to this
(14:09) person in front of you as they are right so you’re not taking on projects you’re not overlooking you know major incompatibilities that are apparent to you from the beginning usually in the first couple of weeks or at least the first conflict you’re not assuming that this person is going to heal and grow and then they will feel safe then will appreciate you you take them as they are because you are choosing their beingness you’re not choosing necessarily even the experience that you’re having with them it’s a deeper
(14:44) level of choice okay the second one is 100% yes to their family so you’re not projecting Judgment of parts of them which is really Judgment of parts of yourself onto the fact that you hate his mom or his dad or his sister or whatever his family is a part of him 100% acceptance of his family and then 100% acceptance of your separate Destinies so what it is to love someone when you see that they must go elsewhere right when you are in that level of commitment to their freedom their Liberation and honoring their path right so I I love
(15:30) that and of course in family constellation it is marriage that brings somebody into your family system it’s not boyfriend girlfriend situation it’s not partners and I think it’s funny when Rabbi Manis fredman talks about how you know God doesn’t talk about boyfriends and girlfriends there are friends and then there is husband and wife I’m going to pause here for a quick second if you are into the topic of manom relating polarity and what the Reclamation of EOS has to do with holistic health then I invite you to check out and download my
(16:10) free ebook on the subject at the link below and to also check out a Blog I wrote that goes deeper into the subject of BDSM some of the science supporting it and why these reframes and tools may be exactly what the world needs to move out of confusion resentment and victimhood and into personal imp empowerment and pleasure hope that helps so if I might summarize one of the things that he discusses is that this concept of love and sex are actually a distraction from the nature and value of marriage itself and the
(16:51) institution that when we choose someone on this deep level it is not about the transaction associated with good sex you’re not taking sex from them and it’s either of sufficient quantity or sufficient quality and you’re not actually taking or getting love from them it’s about what it is to choose that person and to resolve existential isolation and loneliness through that choice and he says that marrying for love is like marrying for money it’s like marrying for something that you intend to get almost like impersonally out of the dynamic and he
(17:42) says that you know when a mother loves the child she’s not just getting love from a child right like she could get love from the neighbor’s kid also it is the specific experience of choosing a relational an enduring relational Dynamic with this child that love Springs from right so to marry for love to say like I experience love here this response right this reaction really even for most of us is perhaps to be distracted right and to imagine that we’re getting something from the person that of course then can become you know
(18:28) it can fade it can distorted it can somehow you know evolve over time in a way that makes it harder for us to appreciate that person because we’re not getting that thing from them any longer so he talks about how unlike love in fact this is a quote unlike love intimacy cannot exist without the participation of another so if the goal is this level of being Chosen and choosing and the intimacy that can arise when there is an environment of reverence and kindness and devotion there is something that is not available when the focus is on the
(19:07) experience of so-called love which I think actually most of us would be challenged to even Define so he talks about how you know it doesn’t take two to love right like you can put love on someone you can have unrequited love and want love from someone and you can have a totally individualized experience of love for another person it does not take two and he talks about how intimacy is a totally different form of connection than love which is according to him an emotion it’s a reaction and that love he says emerges
(19:47) from and stems from intimacy itself and so if there is kindness generosity and reverence then what’s not to love he says you know like it kind of is an emergent phenomenon and he even suggests that we rephrase the Romantic expression I love you as you I love you I love so if the sacred intention of marriage is to move beyond the self in devotional service to the other and to the connection between both of you there is a resolution of transactional need meeting so this is what I think data would refer to as the third stage of
(20:33) relationship as opposed to the me centered first stage like I’m going to get mine or the negotiated need meeting of the second stage so it is a spiritual practice it is a Sacred Space it’s a devotional form of offering the self and it’s perhaps in this type of complimentary Union where a man gives and is admired and the woman receives and is appreciated and Omar Pani says that the woman offers her enthusiasm and the man his attention and it’s in this complimentarity that true belonging can be found so through this lens Rabbi
(21:19) fredman says that dating is to Simply see if somebody is your husband and that’s it and it’s an opportunity to assess how it feels to be yourself in their presence and that there is a pre-ordained experience of recognizing the person with whom you can be yourself to such an extent that you can finally offer your whole self in service to them and to the marriage and so my sense is he doesn’t feel that dating is really necessary and he makes some I think helpful suggestions including the basic restoration of Acts of respect right so
(22:06) one of the things he says that I’ve actually been thinking of even with regard to my children now that I live in a two-story home is you don’t like talk at someone from another room right that you get up and you walk over to them and you show them that level of respect and intentionality that these kinds of gestures and habits are part part of the fabric of a restored intimate Dynamic and they seem so mundane but I’m sure that you can all relate you know to talking at somebody especially a husband or wife a partner from the other room he
(22:44) recommends that husbands and wives have sex with the lights off with no music with no distractions and this I found really interesting He suggests it as a resolution of the objectification that can happen when you’re using your sense of vision you know to take somebody in the separation right so that when you get to the end of a love making experience and you find yourself wondering like how was it for my partner that is symptomatic of this disconnection you weren’t there enough to know how it was for them I mean it
(23:19) was just both of you there shouldn’t you know it was an intimate communion and So He suggests that when the lights are off when there’s no music when there’s no abstraction you have an experience of Simply being you know soul to soul through this body with another person he also suggest that you don’t share your bed you know with your partner with your spouse and that there is an effort made to go over to their bed or their bedroom and he of course suggests that the man initiates the commitment and He suggests
(23:56) that this is done through you know what I’ll call a Matchmaker for lack of the proper cultural term and I found this synchronous because I myself have recently hired a Matchmaker mostly for the anthropological experience the field study if you will and also because I recognize the wisdom in this very common especially in more denominational religious spaces a very common practice of having a third party to midwife the early interactions and to eliminate so many of the know potentially unnecessary harmful injurious or unpleasant feedback
(24:41) experiences that might attend a date that was not worthy of a second consideration by one party right because with a Matchmaker it’s like a safe container it’s a safe space and you have somebody who you report to both report to and when the woman expresses her desire for a second date or for marriage then it’s communicated that it is time you know for the man to propose and to initiate that and that is customary to me that’s starting to make a lot of sense and you know in the way that BDSM creates the conditions for safe erotic
(25:25) expansion especially for those who have histories of boundary violations or trauma or you know dissociation that kind of a thing matchmaking and you know its more embedded cultural contexts creates the safe conditions for early courtship creates a structure and I also had never really been on a date before in my life you know my previous relationships have emerged organically from the field and so I thought you know this could be fun to play around with different Energies that I bring to the table different experiences of what it
(26:02) is to attempt to lead the conversation versus surrender to the flow of the conversation what is worth sharing you know do we really want to talk about our past romantic histories or is it worth just showing up as we are in the moment and feeling into that knowingness so as I come into deeper appreciation for the potential of a properly polarized and sustained man woman relationship and what that requires specifically of women to support I see that there is also work to do there’s cleaning up to do in the courtship space
(26:45) and I do wonder if it has a bit to do with the gatekeeping of our Sexual Energy until and if the partner that we are interested in has gotten in touch with his predatorial claim and his desire for commitment because if it’s not there there’s probably a good reason and nobody has to explain themselves it just isn’t there and that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you and want to be with you and even spend his whole life with you but if he’s not initiating that commitment of his own accord and really moreover if you have to ask it’s
(27:25) probably a no that’s what I’ve come to right like how do we get into deeper connection to our own intuition so that we can properly assess as women the potential of the man in front of us for partnership and trust him to make the decision when the time is right and hold our Sexual Energy at Bay until then I know this is a controversial thing to put out there but obviously it’s nothing new for me and you know having been celibate for some time intentionally I have found this commitment to myself oh I don’t know to put it mildly
(28:05) revolutionary I mean what has been unlocked in my own capacity for self-discovery Creative expression I mean I essentially an entirely different person my self-concept has evolved immeasurably since that energy has all been swirling around in here so obviously it’s a bit easier for me to see the value and hold in out until it’s clear but I really think it’s more of it just has the same elements of so many other of the Reclamation dynamics of you know this maturation of man woman relating of what it is to be an
(28:44) empowered woman and what it is to come into intentional choice in this space it just makes sense that there’s something the pendulum has to swing you know from where it is now where we think what we’re doing is engaging in free sex in the liberation of our pleasure and what we’re actually doing is potentially you know creating the conditions for our own disempowerment so doesn’t that sound familiar all right stay tuned for the Chronicles and I will be sharing updates on the subject as I gain more insights into what it is that we are able to see
(29:27) now that might have been more difficult to perceive even a year or two ago and how there may be a new spin on Old practices and an old story that allows for the integration of everything that we’ve gained from the exploration of these different pools all right talk to you soon
