(00:00) I’d love to invite you to a free reclaimed woman masterclass on June 5th so this is for all my ladies who have followed the good independent girl rules and who still feel overwhelmed resentful and disappointed in their lives you may think that you need to practice or learn or study how to be more soft and slow and abundant and pleasur le as a feminine woman or maybe you think you have to be brave and courageous and finally stand up for what’s yours but the truth is that chasing femininity and fighting for power just leave you more
(00:40) wired judgmental and disconnected I know what you need because I have walked this path into a deep love affair with myself I know that you need a huge permission field clear manageable steps and perhaps my fairy dust to help you remember who you are your femininity will naturally and spontaneously emerge when you feel safe so learn how to give this safety to yourself and to attract those who offer it I’ll be teaching the three most important ways to turn pain into pleasure including the source of all suffering and how to identify it the
(01:21) only spiritual practice you’ll ever need and the key to True power as a woman I want you to imagine what it would feel like to be safe in your body and in your world no couples counseling therapy or International treaties required to have clear intuitive signs in your body that you can trust to experience creativity that inspires you to tears to feel resilient in the face of judgment criticism and life curveballs so join me for this free reclaimed woman masterclass on June 5th at noon Eastern there will be a special offer for 40 of
(02:05) the gals on the call I will see you [Music] there I’m Dr Kelly Brogan you may know me as the New York Times bestselling author of a book with an exploding pill on the cover Renegade psychiatrist P dancer or honorary member of the disinformation Dozen what can I say I’m a a born provocator I’ve spent most of my recent life exposing deceptions connecting dots and discovering the secret places my inner victim is still waiting to be liberated and now I feel called to help you reclaim all of your parts your health your sexuality your power and
(02:48) your expression so that you can finally truly own yourself I want to ignite in you that inner knowing and the pulsing Vitality that lives beneath your disempowerment disconnection and resentment so that you can audaciously courageously and playfully alchemize your struggle into the specific pleasure of who you are this is Reclamation radio a soulfire production the conversation that follows is from my incredible collection faces of fierce femininity where I sat down with the 12 women who have inspired my embodiment Journey For Real raw and
(03:27) uncensored inspiration you can purchase the collection at Kelly Brogan md.com and at the link in show notes I am here I was just saying I even feel a little bit nervous to speak to this Superstar today to GA and I want to before we dive in just sort of paint a little bit of the picture of the impact and influence that your work has had on my life trajectory you know by sharing that many people who are are listening are aware of my romantic travails and that I have recently well it’s actually been a half a year but I’ve left my
(04:03) second marriage and I’m in this process of becoming right as so many of us are in our different ways and I was in a very you know karmic Torrid romantic eight-year Journey that also was a very classic trauma Bond and so while I was you know emotionally starving and had eroticized as often happens that you know sort of ongoing emotional insecurity I got to this place of having integrated and explored enough Shadow material that I began to love myself you know I began to love myself enough to recognize that this wasn’t working for
(04:42) me and I could ask for something different and that’s when I became interested in erotic work so this was a little over a year ago and I said you know what I want to hire an erotic coach and on some level I thought well the only time I really feel connected to my partner is when we make love the rest of it is like a fight ORF flight you know process of just navigating and so maybe we can learn how to deepen that you know together and I hired Whitney who was trained by you and she you know I thought oh okay she’s going to teach me
(05:15) all sorts of tonric techniques and we’re gonna you know we’re going to deepen our experience you know in Partnership and it’s going to fix everything and of course that began the process of this very very deep exploration of even you know more of my shadowy catacombs and also working through your program erotic breakthrough and really beginning not only you know to just sort of like attend to the process of getting to know myself but it really sort of broke this conceptualization I had it just shattered this concept that like I was
(05:48) supposed to do this with my partner we were going to do this together and it really was clear that this is an inside job it’s me first and what I found through that work through your work and through working with her is God I mean literally I I found through my own body through my own sensuality through my own experience of learning about myself in this way in the way that you you teach so many and Inspire so many to explore I found that I can self source and once I you know was sort of stepped away from this habitual I’m sure you hear this all
(06:23) the time like you know you interact with people and women probably specifically who imagine that their partner is there to give them pleasure like their partner is there to know better than they do how to experience pleasure and in fact what I found is that you know that that wouldn’t be available until I have a very deep awareness and you know ultimately this this connection this self sourcing led me out of that marriage and on this you know sort of public stage of resolving my Madonna horror complex you know that’s been many
(06:53) many decades in the making and so you know I just wanted to to share that to set the stage I mean your your work has absolutely changed my life and I you know I think of you as I wonder you know people call you this but as like a sexual Shaman right you know you call yourself a sematic sexologist right and I know that you weave together sexuality and spirituality in such a beautiful very accessible way and so I wanted to just sort of like open up the conversation with this idea that we can’t we can’t give pleasure love we
(07:28) can’t give experiences to another that we are unable to offer ourselves and for you to just sort of start to really allow us to marinate in this idea of like why is it important like if I want my partner to take me to you know ecstatic places if I want my partner to contain me if I want my partner to you know be the one who is meeting these needs and honoring my desires what does it take from me you know what does it take from me to get to that place and why then would we I mean I spent months and months and months of my life
(08:01) studying you know through the guidance of your work studying my own Sensations in my body months you know I’m in my mid 40s like I never I mean now I talk to my kids about this and they their little things you know and I feel like wow if somebody had only ever introduced this earlier in life this should probably be a curriculum in high school or something but I’d love for you to speak to you know this idea of really offering ourselves that it sounds so cliche even when I’m saying it there’s like a part of me that’s like oh that’s so annoying
(08:29) but like offering ourselves that attention that we long for you know from another now first thing congratulations on your journey like that’s huge yeah that’s end game it’s like selflove and God right there and so many people don’t know that going on a journey of exploring their sexuality is often the final frontier of personal growth the thing that we’ve made the most taboo is the thing that often leads us to the greatest Revelations about ourselves and about who and what we are and purpose and so just wow on your journey thank you so
(09:05) much for sharing that and being willing to share that on a public forum and have these conversations absolutely and then to your question you know this is what does it take as we go on this sexual Journey because the sexual Journey To Me sexuality is just a tool it’s another pathway just like psychedelics or dance or going into any of these Altered States Of Consciousness I don’t even like the term Altered States Of Consciousness I like the term our Natural State of Consciousness because I think ecstasy and pleasure and sensation
(09:39) meeting sensation are places where we find who we are naturally things like love and again it sounds so cliche when we’re talking about it because if you have an experience it’s like oh yeah selflove what you don’t even know what that is right there’s a little bit of an eye roll you know loving myself how many times have we heard that but it’s not until you actually experience it and know how to meet that experience that you go oh that’s what everyone’s been talking about that’s what love is oh I’ve heard that a million times but I
(10:11) never got it until this moment and This Is Where words fail to describe some of these experiences how do you describe an orgasm when you’ve never had one how do you you you can read about an orgasm in a book you can read the word orgasm but the word is not the thing and so having the experience of the thing is where I lead to and that’s where learning things like what you learned around meeting sensation being with sensation and that’s you that Sensation that your experience is generated by this amazing body that we have and so it takes that
(10:47) ability to quiet to self sense we talk about mindfulness I’m working on a a book project with another teacher Orie zimmel who’s a philosopher and we talked a lot about maybe it’s not mindfulness maybe it’s self- sensing we’re sensing our self we’re meeting the sensation of who we are and so it takes introspection it takes asking those big questions well who am I as an erotic being how do I choose in this even beyond that what’s the choice that I’m making about who I am and how I be in the world and then there’s also what am
(11:28) I those are two different question so the moment we start to introspect and we start to inquire and I think that that’s what this journey takes is that ability to go wait a minute let me quiet and let me inquire and let me see what’s there and then it’s interesting we talk about this individuality but it also takes others so having a guide you had a guide you had a person who helped you because we co-regulate with others 25 years of Neuroscience shows us that we need need other people we are a species that relies on that so sometimes I say I just
(12:05) keep loving you until you learn how to love yourself you know like that’s my job my job is to love you until you recognize that love that is you yourself and sex just happens to be one of the tools to I don’t even want to say getting there but I think that’s language that people understand to getting to that place of Love is through this exploration this sexual Journey it takes courage I think that’s the final thing I’ll throw in there you’re going to be afraid you’re going to hit up against all those things and courage is
(12:34) doing it anyway courage is saying yes to that Journey even though the fear comes up even though the like I don’t want to sit with this experience the pain comes up because we have a culture in which sexuality is taboo and we’re locked up and we’re blocked and we have all kinds of [ __ ] piled on it you know and that’s why I think it can be so profound is because we’ve made it so taboo and locked up so so much of the work you know that I did in this past year was related to exactly what you’re describing and you know as a
(13:07) psychiatrist trained you know in a very Freudian institution in in New York City I really was able to draw from a lot of my you know sort of more philosophical training around this triangulation with you know the parents and the edible complex and how it is that we are turned against our own bodies how it is that we’re turned against our own animal impulses our experience of desire and and even our experience of like vital force energy as little little kids right and it could be as simple as you know being reprimanded for jumping on the
(13:37) couch or it could be you know being shamed for masturbation or or whatever you know more sexualized experiences might have been exposed to the light of judgment you know and you know this this idea that you know we are at odds trying to Curry favor with the opposite gender parent and you know at odds with the same gender parent seems very relevant to at least the lens that I look through now where many of us as you said are in our own Awakening process and somewhere along the line that’s why I’m hosting this
(14:06) Salon somewhere along the line you explore that all of this energy literally your connection to the god space your connection to you know what obviously can be referred to as Euros is behind that Wall of Shame and how are you going to walk through it you know and and I see you know as somebody who’s been exploring the ways that women self- betray through the medical system you know I see you know ritualized penetration through Pap smars and medicalized birth and the hijacking of our hormonal systems through birth
(14:37) control and I say well no wonder because we are not ourselves the Guardians until we are right so there is a lot of work in your you know in your program around Shadow material and shame and it’s not as simple obviously as just saying you know well I’m going to get over you know whatever it is that that is keeping me from owning my sexuality I mean for me it really involves like a public display of you know sort of almost like more cliche you know like me and booty shorts and stripper boots on a pole you know
(15:14) like as a formerly like buttoned up like white code MD and to just sort of see how I could play with these different energies and and a lot of folks did not like it because of I think the change right like how dare you change and so I wonder you know what you would say as somebody who obviously I mean there’s there’s so much in your energy around these topics that I think I really needed to see modeled like because you’re so grounded energetically you’re so you have this very almost like familiar sweetness that somehow when you
(15:46) talk about like super runchy [ __ ] just ends up be it feels safe like it feels okay and even like oh well of course I’m going where she’s going so I wonder you know what you might say about how as women we can even just begin to crack the door of that that shame wall I mean for me it required looking at the scariest thing I could possibly be exposed for you know whatever that might be that I I would be judged as like an attention seeking narcissistic horror whatever like who knew that was even in there like who
(16:22) knew I about that you know and that’s why I was a match you know relationally for people who might reflect that to me Etc so I wonder you know such a huge topic but just even so that we know when it is that we’re bumping up against that wall right like we know when we’re judging other women that’s been a huge thing for me like we know there’s a lot there this is like so if we can start to navigate oh okay that’s my shame wall then with support and Attunement like you said like that’s what I was describing even
(16:51) the feeling I have with you is an Attunement to safety around these topics then at least we know we’re on the path like this is just how the path is you know yeah yeah a couple things with the shame piece one is what’s the internal dialogue you already said that like what are the things you say to yourself because that’s the thing you’re often saying about an other women so whatever you’re saying about your own body whatever your own inner mean person is that critique whoever that is whatever that part of you is I really love
(17:23) internal family systems and parts work I didn’t know that this is what I was doing for so many years but I really love taking well what is that part of me that is the shame voice is the voice of Shame that’s shaming others and is shaming myself and to remember that shame is the I am statement I am fat I am ugly I am a narcissist I am you know a [ __ ] I am a [ __ ] like those are the and it’s not coming from empowerment it’s coming from that feels bad and then there’s Behavior which is different than shame and so there’s the I did something
(17:57) that maybe I shouldn’t do right and then there’s how you feel about that and who you decide that you are as a result of that thing and so what is that voice naming that voice then watching that voice and how it speaks about other people and the judgments that you have because they’re so interconnected I see this all the time with people with vulvas who identify as women it’s like that voice gets so entrench it runs so much that we don’t even notice it a lot of times so that’s one piece the other thing is what does shame feel like in
(18:30) your body I’m such an embodiment person so then you can start to notice oh that’s what shame is for me shame is my cheeks flush shame is I get tense in my chest shame is this somatic experience and can I sit with the somatic experience because what so many of us do is go Shame Shame Shame no no no no no no don’t feel that don’t feel that shove it somewhere tug it somewhere with so many of ours even orgasm I see so many people who like cannot sit with the experience and the intensity of what orgasm is in their body and so they run
(19:05) away they create shame walls they create these things that keep them from fully experiencing what’s happening in the moment so often it’s like here’s what’s happening in my body can I sit with the shame can I be app parent to that shame can I have a dialogue with that shame can I recognize that I’m generating shame for some purpose and I’ve I started generating that usually very young around especially those of us who are in vulva bodies we started that dialogue very young from external voices from culture from all those things and this
(19:44) is an unraveling oh there’s the shame voice that’s the collective culture that’s not even my voice but that’s the voice of good girls don’t that’s the voice of now you’re a witch and you’re going to get you know burned at the state that’s the voice of all of that because we don’t just have our own internalized shame we have the generational internal life shame and research has shown that we hold that in our body in our material for up to 14 Generations so you got your grandma’s shame your mom’s shame your grandma
(20:18) Grandma’s shame you got Auntie shame you got all of that and especially for those of us who are on these Journeys we’re doing work not just for us we’re doing work for our entire family structures we’re doing work for the collective of the feminine and that comes up as we work through these layers because shame isn’t just one layer so interesting I’m just thinking about so my grandmother Italian you know from Italy and she developed dementia at the end of her life and I have all sorts of theories you know about what that represents
(20:53) other than just some like medical problem and as she began to sort of of like slip away she was living with my parents and she was you know in Psychiatry with col paranoid and delusional and all these things and even some of violent and she used to scream at my mom in Italian you’re a [ __ ] why are all these men coming in and out of the house and I just thought of this the other day in like deep introspection around my motherline and how you know at that time so this is probably like I don’t know 10 years ago or so if I had
(21:27) been ready you know to do this work I wonder if it would have even impacted her because I see it as like you know no one in my motherline has been ready you know to to do this work has had the support has had whatever whatever it takes to begin to look at like you said not only the personal beliefs not only the family of origin enculturated beliefs but these big big Collective beliefs I mean I I think it’s best summarized as we will be killed for our you know feminine energy I mean we’ll be killed for our voices will
(21:59) be killed for our expression as erotic beings you know that is the depth of it right there and that’s where the shame comes in to protect us of course it’s a protector I mean I go thank you shame thank you for protecting me thank you for that I know that there were times when it wasn’t safe and thank you I mean it shame is an adaptation to an adverse culture that we live in where it has not been safe yeah I couldn’t agree more about Parts work it’s been the other the other modality that has you know I think
(22:29) booed me through this process of and still does this process of integration so sort of speaking of you know these inner Dynamics and and outer Dynamics I want to talk a little bit about sort of intentional energetic exchange and polarities I remember watching a video of you in in your program I think it was the body mapping section and and I want to speak in a little bit more specifically around your work and and what it entails but suffice it to say that in this video you have there’s a man on the table and you’re demoing you
(23:03) know what you call Body mapping which is essentially like this very structured path I mean you could explain it better but I’ll just say the structured path towards discovering what types of specific Sensations in the different categories of blueprints are you know what level of pleasing right and you know I’m just watching your hands like move over this guy’s body and I had this experience of like it’s just like when like my body was like blown open my mind was one I was like I want to be simultaneously you as a like I felt like
(23:36) I want to be that woman who’s working her hands like this sensual wands you know and I want to be that man who is feeling what that feels like and I I could see like as you know sort of like that’s cute Kelly but what was in there was the smoos and mixup of what it is to be the one giving what it is to be the one receiving and then you know I’m speaking to Betty Martin in this salon and you know what it is to really sort of organize the intentionality of touch touch given touch received and that whole notion is entirely new to me as
(24:12) somebody who has been like sexually active since my teen years it never occurred to me that I would benefit by looking at what my intention is energetically beyond like oh when my partner feels pleasure I feel pleasure you know and that’s what we all say and of there’s like all sorts of victim Consciousness rescuer stuff in there hiding in there and I saw in that moment that I you know I was like I want it all I want to give and receive and be all the things at once and what you really help people to unpack is that there is a
(24:44) sort of conscious intention there is complimentarity and there’s really almost a responsibility that we each have as embodied beings to know what it is that we are bringing to the table in a given you know sexual interaction let’s say but maybe even you know in our own sex play and sensual play so I wonder if you could sort of speak to organizing you know our sexual intentionality and what it is to really start to get to know who’s giving who’s receiving and why is that important if everyone’s having fun and feeling good
(25:19) like why does it matter yeah I love that you’re talking to Betty Martin with us too because Betty was a influence on me as well and what is the Consciousness that we can bring to our sexual experience and so that comes down to Containers stelle Perell also talks about like what’s the role what what are the active verbs that you’re using within this is a give receive take allow refuse share play like these are some of the verbs to even look at so what’s the role that you’re playing what are the things that you’re
(25:52) playing with inside that container and what do you a hell yes to you know what’s the like yes and what are the Nos and so to me container is everything because once you have the container you know where you’re playing your nervous system can relax and it can go to the edges it actually gets more creative when I was in theater school we used to do these projects where they’d give us like five or six limitations and those five or six limitations would then or rules would then create the scene for the session and it was so great to have those
(26:25) limitations because without the limitations there were too many possib ilities and the system doesn’t know where it’s dancing where it’s playing like when we know when we have that container we can go oh yeah now I have a new idea oh yeah I could play with that I didn’t even know I could do that thing so new possibility sometimes gets born out of having I don’t even like the word limitation as much as I like what is the safe container for you and in that some of the things to decide are what what are you yes to and that can be a Journey
(26:59) just that question to explore before you even go into playing with another person is what’s a yes in my body and what does the sensation of yes feel like if everyone just tries that right now like think of a moment right now where you were like yes oh my gosh yes I cannot believe what’s happening like yes I want to do that thing and you can imagine yourself in that yes or a thing that you said yes to previously and how’s that feel in your body so just I’ll ask you because have you here what’s what’s yes feel like I love this question because
(27:32) I’ve recently explored how sometimes what can feel like a yes is like a habituated caretaker energy right so ah good distinction I had I’ve spoken about this a couple of times but I had a really crazy experience recently of going to the car wash right and I did not set the container at all for the experience right like everything related to cars is like not my thing so I I go there I don’t have enough time I have a half an hour but I don’t know how much it cost I don’t know how long it’s going to take there’s nobody in charge I can
(28:01) ask it’s like just a bunch of dudes running around so no container right and long story short I’m there for an hour and I’m late to meet my girlfriend and I am trying to like leave and the guy who’s finishing up my car starts asking for my you know he starts like whatever he ask for my Instagram handle and he’s like can I follow you on Instagram and do you live around here and all this kind of stuff right and then I went and I literally was pulling out and I I crashed my car P like seriously so I was like okay that’s what self- betrayal
(28:33) looks like in the material world almost like this immediate energetic like repercussion to this experience of knowing that I had a need that I hadn’t set up you know the conditions for my need to be met or even assessed whether my need could be met in those conditions and then I ended up trying to like appease and manipulate because I was in fawning like fight ORF flight kind of a thing and so through that example I found okay well it felt it felt fine you know it felt like fine for me to give him my Instagram handle you know that
(29:03) that was not a big deal and the difference between what might feel like a yes because it’s a habitual like I can handle this I got this it’s fine versus like [ __ ] yes real yes for me it feels like like Annihilation like the best kind of an like like pixelating into bits like it’s like feels like it moves up my body and I want fall back into like glitter and it’s you know it’s not hugely common that I have that experience although once you have it and it’s Delight like I think if I were to put a word it’s like the Delight of
(29:41) being on this like human path this yes yes it’s very specific yeah I love that word delight yeah just seeing how that journey to your yes just that you know all the things that had you come to like wow this is what a true yes feels like this is what self- betrayal feels like this is what the familiar pattern of being a pleaser looks like those are all somatic yeah anchorings and when you pay attention to how each one of those feels then you can start to really create helpful containers in which you can be in
(30:16) Delight you’re just in Delight when you have that level of Consciousness and you’re choosing that and that’s also self- responsibility you know if you had been self-responsible in getting that container made when you went to that you would have had a very different experience and yet you know I look at those experiences to go oh that’s teaching me something you know it it just showed me something so powerful because look at what also came out of that moment is like now you have a new awareness a new Consciousness and we’re always learning
(30:48) we’re always learning about what we need to love ourselves and I think that there’s a mythology around self-love and unconditional love and that mythology is that it doesn’t have boundaries especially for those of us in helping professions especially those of us who you know are very empathetic and that’s constantly a learning it’s been a learning for myself is like oh unconditional love means for me from me which means I get to have boundaries I get to say no in this sexual container to X Y and Z and I get to say yes to XY and z and then I get to
(31:23) see like a VIN diagram like where do we dance in our yes together and is this a partner who I want to dance with if it’s sex with with another human body you know if it’s sex with myself I still have a container and a consent conversation because I want to get conscious so wait a minute my body and my mind my mind might get really excited about that new giant dildo but my body is like hell no you’re not putting that thing in me right now you know at least not with an a of warmup I love it no it’s true I mean I I
(31:56) speak with Whitney and and our discussion about how often it is you know as women in our self-pleasure practices that we are like doing to ourselves you know the doing the pleasure to ourselves and that there is rape Consciousness like you know really beneath that kind of unattuned you know imposition and then this concept of containers has been absolutely life-changing for me to recognize that you know in every little scene of my life I have a responsibility to set the conditions for my experience of safety
(32:28) and you could even you know I like to term it in terms of gender polarity like that masculine container is my own right and and how can I expect that to be reflected back to me with Integrity until and if I’m you know practiced at establishing that so I’ve always loved the idea of supplementation in natural form I don’t take really any regular supplements and I am also obsessed with optimizing my body’s water integrity and drinking more water isn’t the vibe from from what I’ve learned so I know that it is the minerals that count and unlike
(33:03) other mineral and hydration supplements what I take Kinton is plasma seaw waterer it’s totally natural there’s no additives no sugar no nothing so you can take hypo or hypertonic Solutions based on your needs and you can get these from Quicksilver scientific which is the only brand I personally trust with this kind of a product you can check out the link and show notes or head to Quicksilver scientific.
(33:28) com Kelly B and use the code Kelly B at checkout to save 15% off your first purchase so I’d love to sort of like segue into this like very exciting and impassioned exploration I’ve taken a hugely Deep dive and I’ve been selop it since November so you know I’m I’m doing all this in the virtual space of my own container but into BDSM and conscious Kink and I want to speak in a little bit more about the blueprints themselves but mine is Shape Shifter which is it’s hugely validating you know I think a lot of what my my coach Whitney spoke about
(34:08) when she talked about you know this work and the the blueprints is like it it is part of the shame Alchemy to basically what my blueprint told me is that so much of what I thought was weird or wrong or too much about me and my sexual interests and needs is not only normative but is like so common that it’s like one of the types right like that’s it’s so validating and relieving of a lot of Shame it’s like of course like the love language is once you start to see you know we we distribute in these different ways and my secondary
(34:40) one is kink right and I had never I’ve never really had like a relationship to whatever I might have preconceived as probably physical kink like including you know sort of like you know restraints or caning fogging that kind of thing it just never really not plus not minus just never really like and then you know you introduced this concept to me anyway of psychological Kink and and what that means and how I have like fetishized really even anticipation like that moment before my lover’s mouth touches mine is like more
(35:13) ecstatic than any [ __ ] penetration you know that could ever be available right and the energetics of that the play of that and so I I wonder you know for me I could go on and on about this as I love this topic but for me I see such deep significance to King psychology in our Collective moment because I think that you know I think women have come to a place and I imagine you might agree like have come to a place of personal empowerment that is so sufficient that we’re beginning to really feel the bankruptcy of it right like we’re
(35:48) beginning to really feel that it’s bereft of something that we so deeply long for and so we’re recognizing that what we say we want you know I want to to be empowered I want to own my own house and my business and all the things I want to do what men do bleeding you know what we say we want is actually at odds and in inner conflict with what we deeply long for I’ll speak for myself as like you know a pretty sort of secularly empowered woman that the concept of intentionally and consciously submitting to partner in consensual play power play
(36:20) is so alluring to me that it feels like the arrival like it feels like the ultimate destination and also the playground for me to Al like so much of my residual shame you know so do you think that as women we ultimately in many ways and just to generalize but certainly women who have this sort of more pink typing that we want what we’ve been railing against right like we want the consensual version of that which we’ve been fighting that all of these dynamics of human dominance and oppression that are non-consensual I
(36:54) mean you you could characterize all of human suffering since the dawn of time as being unconsented Kink Dynamics right and that’s why you know I’m also speaking to Carolyn Elliott you know about existential Kink about what you know how this is relevant to the ways that we enjoy our suffering and what does that even mean and is it relevant to everyone so you know when we when we look at this kind of complimentarity I wonder if you know obviously as an expert like if you could speak a little bit to you know what do people get out
(37:22) of BDSM and conscious Kink and and why would somebody enter into that kind of container where there is an organization of roles into hierarchical power right why would we ever want that right isn’t that what we’re you know railing against against right right yeah it’s a wonderful question and I think first just looking at the kinky blueprint it’s the taboo blueprint so it’s the taboo of it that turns us on it’s that I’m not supposed to I’m not supposed to surrender this is something I am supposed to Rally against
(37:57) but oh my God feel so good right in that is the taboo that’s the psychological taboo of giving someone power over you if you’re in the surrendered spot but then there’s also the I’m not supposed to be in power and then that’s the turn on so it’s whatever it is that is taboo for you that is where the turnon comes from and I think that there’s something for people who are in power you know those of us who are in vula bodies who are in empowering roles and as we’ve gained more power I think that there is something for
(38:30) relinquishing that and relaxing that and allowing someone over someone to take over and tell us exactly what to do so we don’t have to think about it you know it’s like a moment when our neuro cortex gets to relax we could just be in our Primal brain stem and enjoy ourselves I think it also is a place where and I’ve seen this a lot in my client base where if we’re harboring shame still Kink is a great place for us to go oh the other person made me have the organ G the other person tied me up because I really
(39:00) glit the power over so it’s their fault it’s sort of a way to take shame and place keep it and now all of a sudden my psyche is safe to explore things I wouldn’t have otherwise explored because someone else bossed me to do it so yeah there’s a lot of layers to it and I think that when it comes to exploring these things that feel edgy feel taboo feel not okay it’s sometimes dipping your toe in hydrating it seeing like oh that was okay I survived that was good that felt really good and then keep like exploring and I like to
(39:41) inquire so what is it about this that turns me on what is it about this fantasy that turns me on what is it about giving power over that turns me on and is that healthy for me does that feel healthy does that feel helpful because we can also have things that turn us on that are not good for us and I know a lot of us have experienced that where we’re in a relationship you know where it’s like we know it’s not good for us and yet we stay in it because there’s something in it that is turning and that’s where the existential King
(40:10) work comes in is okay I obviously like this because it’s appearing in my life so what can I unravel or what can I look at and do I want to keep making that choice I’ll tell a story from my own personal life like I definitely have a kink of falling in love with men who love my heart and they just want to love me love me love me but they have very low sex drives and for G who has like a sex drive that’s through the roof this is a very interesting existential Ki so men really want to love my heart I actually had one man say to me yeah I
(40:42) don’t want to [ __ ] you I just want to love you it’s like what the [ __ ] somebody [ __ ] me already you know and so I had to look at how much I was actually enjoying that game right it was safer maybe yeah it’s safe it’s feeds my energetic longing I mean I have a lover who I have been in love with for 20 years and we’ve never had intercourse oh my God it’s delicious I mean we’re just in proximity together and everything starts vibrating you know and I had to go I had to admit to myself that as much as it’s painful I love the
(41:17) game of longing and that is my it’s an energetic Kink but it is my Kink to not be able to have the thing and to be and that energy of like everything’s vibrating because it’s been 20 years and we still haven’t had intercourse you know and then once I admit that I love it there’s not as much pain in it the pain in it the suffering in it goes away because now I can meet the experience for what it is and that I’m in Freedom of Choice that I am actually consciously choosing this and now I’m going to take responsibility for
(41:51) this and when I’m done with it I’m done with it and I hit a point where I was like all right I’m done with this no more of this pattern I’m not calling in any more lovers who love my heart and don’t want to have sex with me I am calling in people who want to have a physical sexual blueprinted relationship you know because I hit the all right enough yeah I mean I think that’s one of the most amazing things about you at least my understanding of King Dynamics is that there is so much intentionality and consent and agreements and
(42:23) acknowledgment of needs and preferences and that it can be a container where both people’s needs are met in complimentarity and the needs are so different and you know as as somebody who is a deep believer in compatibility and complimentarity of needs like that you you cannot once I recognized what my needs were I had to leave my relationship you know like I just was choosing not to be in ownership of them and that’s how and why I state but you know it’s not a compromise right it’s not this egalitarian like we are both
(42:54) lovers gazing into each other’s eyes kind of a dynamic is a compatibility based relationship where you know one person’s needs and the other person’s needs are both met it’s beautiful right it’s beautiful no one is compromising and I think that’s that’s part of it right because if you were to really look at your needs and that that kind of dynamic they would not be met and that’s obviously why you’re you know at a place now where you can own your needs and value them enough compromise them I love what Kelly Bryson says which is that
(43:25) compromises resentment 5050 oh so don’t ever compromise because you’re actually just building resentment and armoring in your body and in your mind and in your heart so what is it and and it’s interesting too because it’s like okay well maybe my need for sexual intercourse will never be met and is there another way that that need could get met maybe in the energetic blueprint or is there a way that that need can be met by not having a monogamous relationship and I have like I mentioned I have multiple lovers you know so like
(43:59) what is it that where is the place where you and I dance that we stay healthy and that we are able to meet each other’s needs and not go into like you mentioned at the top of the show trauma bonding you could also call it karmic you know where we’re clearing the karmic stuff as opposed to staying in our karmic Loop yep we don’t want to stay in the loop we want to spiral out of the loop which takes making new Nets in our brains you know the brain will go back to what’s familiar over and over and over again even if it’s not good for us so we get
(44:35) in this Loop and we seek to change our experience but we seek to change our experience by changing a circumstance and oftentimes the way that we change the circumstance is by doing a bunch of stuff the invitation that you know place that I’m going with a lot of new teachings and the invitation that I’m inviting people into is the finding the place of your I amness who are you and when you find that place of I amness you can realize that you are the generator and the source of your experience and it isn’t about you can have the best circum
(45:12) I work with billionaires I work with celebrities I work with the 1% of the world circumstance does not create an awesome experience all these amazing circumstances can create a very shitty experience yet we all seek to be that we all seek to have the house and the money and the great sex and the orgasms and the relationships and the kids and like all these things I say in my life I checked all the boxes I checked every box and I still was having a shitty experience so can you have the realization that you generate your own
(45:50) orgasmic experience this is Ultimate self- responsibility here you generate your abundance you generate from the source of who you are the Wellspring of who you are your experience and once you have that of course then you can create action of course then circumstance shifts but we have it the wrong way and so when we go on this sexual Journey we often think oh if I could just have this kind of orgasm or oh if I could just have this kind of relationship if I can just if I can just if I can just that isn’t what does it it’s the I am an
(46:24) orgasmic being I am ecstatic I live in delight and then you Delight in who you are you Delight in this life because you have the foundation from which every experience can be created in love in kindness and compassion and that changes the world I’ve really come to you know agree and to feel that this erotic Reclamation is it’s the path you know as as a activist for many many years and somebody who’s railed against all that I felt was wrong on the outside you know of course for those who needed my support right like these Anonymous
(47:02) victims or whatever I really came to the place of of Shadow work where I saw that’s only ever going to perpetuate the the victim Consciousness that underpins that kind of hierarchical projection right like it’s once you get into like you know inner child work and parentification of authority it’s so obvious right like I’m like fighting against bad I call it you know bad daddy government bad mommy medicine and right I don’t know that it’s maybe it’s just a layer maybe it’s a phase or whatever I don’t know it’s the way and that’s why
(47:31) you know coming into this work and coming into this understanding of finding God through your own erotic energy and self- sourcing in that way so that you take radical responsibility for how you feel and you recognize that you are in charge of how you feel you are the one and there are Myriad you know ways to alchemize that to work with that to expose that to the light of your understanding and awareness and to shift thought patterns I mean there’s so much so much support out there you know for this process once you choose and I think
(47:57) if we all were to to walk in the direction of this erotic Reclamation the trajectory were on as a collective would fundamentally change I’m sure you agree with that you know like that this is this is part of it and I wonder you know there’s a module in your program on I’ll call it like lifestyle like health and and medicine and wellness and you know what it is which of course is very aligned with my perspectives and teachings and I wonder if you often see a disconnect because I imagine you do you know that people think like oh sex
(48:27) and sexuality is over here and it doesn’t really have much to do with you know what you eat right and like how you hair how you detox or whatever what does one have to do with the other this is just like you know behavioral techniques and the other is like you know unrelated realm I really appreciated seeing that all under one umbrella but I imagine you see that there’s like a lot of Disconnect in the world of sexology yeah I think there is a place where we start to realize that everything is interconnected and
(48:57) Sexual Health and Wellness is one of the precursors to what’s happening in our overall health so for example when you start to see men who have erectile dysfunction the first thing that should be check they they should be looking at is what’s happening with heart health and cardiovascular health and that’s often a precursor for something that’s going on there our sex hormones are our youth hormones and so when we are sexually vital our aliveness is boosted our vitality is boosted sexuality is fuel for living in a juicy body you know
(49:32) it’s like resource to me and when we start to I I have the analogy of like if you’re a juicy grape on a vine right it’s like you don’t want that that to not have enough water enough sunlight enough you want to Blossom you want to ripen and it takes having an environment that is favorable what do human beings need just like as if we were plants and taking care of this body system and that that is not just the physical I look at various Realms so we have the Physical Realm yes of our physical body but there’s also the
(50:10) psychi emotional realm and what’s the health of the psych emotional realm what’s the health of the energetic realm what’s the health of the biochemical realm so that we’re really looking at these four distinct Realms and I can even go beyond these Realms into what’s happening in the transpersonal realm and existential realm I think right now we create a lot of otherness and you were talking about that here right before this question of I can create toxicity in myself by fighting against the other and making other enemy you know as opposed to and
(50:46) that doesn’t shift Consciousness that doesn’t help shift anyone’s Consciousness there’s that quote you know you can’t you can’t make a change you can’t come up with Solutions at the same level of Consciousness that the problems were created and at lowlevel Consciousness everywhere we look there are nothing but problems without Solutions at high level Consciousness there are no problems you know so so when we look at fundamentally we all want the same things we all value the same things we just go about getting it in very very
(51:23) different ways sometimes ways that are not the most healthy full highest conscious ways and so even in your own system what is the state of consciousness from which you are functioning in this world is it the Delight for being alive and the love of life and the joy of life and I’m not here to like be a Pana like where we’re not you know there is a lot of [ __ ] human suffering in this world there is a lot there are a lot of people who are trapped in hell Realms and addiction and suicide and it isn’t about like oh let’s
(52:02) be all love and light you know we have to really honor and look at the whole but from that level of Consciousness that I am I am that one who is also suffering and not orgasmic and can I bring some of that can I bring some of that to someone who isn’t I was reading a children’s story yesterday it was so beautiful and it was the called the three questions it’s based on a Tolstoy and I just like wow so I’m always thinking like how do I serve how do I serve best what is the right action here and and the questions like what is the
(52:34) best time that best time is now who is the right one to serve the one who’s right in front of you and what is the right action the one that you’re doing the one that is right for right this moment you know and this all links to sexuality it sexuality is fundamental and part of life we are not separate from it we’re all a product of it sex is everywhere just look out your window and there’s bugs having sex or birds or you know whatever you know the sun is making love to the Earth every day I mean sex is everywhere and so it is not separate
(53:10) it’s not something that we compartmentalize it needs to be integrated back into wholeness and in some ways I think it already is whole we just have to remember it it doesn’t even need to be integrated we just need to remember that this is what the Human Experience is about is sex sex is you it’s part of you I think many of us sort of get arrested in this maturational place where we have this fantasy like like sex should just happen you know it should just happen perfectly and if it doesn’t then we’ll just either you know look the
(53:43) other way or you know we’ll blame our partner or maybe blame ourselves and and and that it’s just you know supposed to organically unfold and part of you know at least like I we were talking about that transition from a certain dimension of cons ious that’s very attached to the Kink of the suffering and the Kink of the problem versus the you know stepping into claim of the solution what I found is that the bridge is choice right the bridge across from one to the next is the Reclamation of choice and the Power
(54:12) of Choice right that that when I recognize as a sovereign being I don’t need to participate in aspects of society that don’t meet my needs then I see oh I have choice to actually create my own you know experiences that do meet my needs and do serve my values or whatever it is and that sort of choice energy field is very you know there’s evaluation there’s observation there’s sort of like assessment it’s not as romantic right as like oh I just want this to work you know childlike energy right and so I do think that that’s a huge part of what
(54:49) the blueprints offer is you know it’s getting down into the nitty-gritty of almost study and Analysis in a Terrain that your childlike Consciousness just wants to work you know just why can’t it be already perfect you know why can’t daddy already love me perfectly why can’t mommy be there for you know and really taking responsibility for the choices that you have right once you get to know your blueprint once you get to you know map your body once you get to understand what words turn you on and what ones don’t then you can consciously
(55:19) engage you know not only in your own you know sort of containment practices but also with a partner and this this Reclamation of choice consent I mean all of these very I don’t know clarifying energies allow us to go to the places we always wanted to go so I’d love for you to speak to as we wrap up you know what you feel that knowing your blueprint and we’re going to provide obviously the your incredible quiz what does knowing your blueprint offer your life like is it just as simple as like oh that’s interesting you know to know about
(55:52) myself I mean obviously I told you it’s was life-changing for me so why do you think it’s important you know that we each know our blueprints yeah it comes down to that inquiry of knowing yourself who are you as an erotic being and once you know you can give yourself permission to be yourself so that’s one piece and then another piece is having a language to share with others I am an energetic and this is what that looks like and this is how I’m turned on and and it allows us to take responsibility because we have a language to
(56:23) communicate about sexuality and about Who We Are and take that responsibility to say here’s who I am here’s what I like here’s what I want do you want to play there with me great who are you as an erotic being let me get to know who you are so I can see if I’m at choice to play with where you are so it gives us language it also gives us compassion for others like okay I’m I know that I’m a high energetic on the quiz if somebody you know you take the quiz and you’re like oh my gosh High energetic my partner is super high sexual and I have
(56:56) zero sexual ual I’m now at Choice over do I want to take that journey to learn my partner is my partner now willing to take that journey to learn who I am and if we’re both willing then we’ve got a journey together if one of us is unwilling then we have a different choice to make am I willing to stay in this relationship where my needs aren’t going to be met and play that game and that is a choice now you’re conscious of taking that choice and that may be painful and it may be more painful for you to leave that’s your right that’s
(57:26) going to be the choice that you’re making and how are you making that choice are you making that choice still from unconscious wounding are you making that choice from unempowered place it’s amazing the poetic overlaps you know of so much of this language with so many other dimensions of self- reclamation and I’m just yeah just over the moon that your work is out there and exists you know because this would be a difficult thing to translate from scratch so I want to I want to end j by just asking a question I’ve been asking
(57:55) of all the gals which is you know if there’s if there’s one tool over the years that you have found is like a real go-to for you to bring you out of your head and into your body if one practice or one tool what would you say that it would be one tool I have to pick one I know one tool to bring me out of my head and into my body is probably the the one that I use the most is movement personally that’s mine if I had to give it to other people I’d take intense sensation impact Kink intense Sensation will bring you
(58:35) instantly in your body and that’s part of why it can be so helpful for women who you know or I keep saying women but people who dissociate right easily and sort of have that defensive structure give it a good slap give it a I love it on that note I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and deepest parts of my body and I’m just so so grateful for your work and really excited to introduce your work to those who might not otherwise have encountered it and keep being you thank you it’s all I can be
