(00:00) how do we generate safety how do we begin to see with sober eyes how do we choose to see men our fathers through our own adult woman eyes I like to think of an order of operations necessary for that so you know I have my version of this I have my program called vital mind reset which is a pretty well documented portal through which you can begin to access safety in your nervous system hi and welcome back to the 100th episode of reclamation radio I am Dr Kelly Brogan and I am so so so grateful for your support the podcast has amazingly been
(00:46) consistently in the top 0.03% of podcasts internationally this is the platform that I have experienced the least censorship of all of my yibid yapping over many different Platforms in my entire career and it is delightful it’s delightful to bring many folks who you perhaps haven’t heard of who are changing conversations that we’re having to bring on many folks that you have heard of and to share these inspirational ideas and Concepts and Paradigm shifts that are percolating within me with you every single week my
(01:26) intention is to help you to experience your body your your relationships and the world with more relaxation ease and empowerment so let’s keep the conversations going today I would like to talk about the origin of our beliefs about men as women I want to share a story that has a lot of my girlfriends pretty excited when I shared with them you know just sort of an update about my weekend and it has to do with a modality called family constellation which if you have heard me speak for more than two minutes you’ve probably heard me utter
(02:07) that phrase I write about it in some degree of detail in my book The reclaimed woman and there is an episode uh here on the Pod with my teacher alar Le centenno I reference another constell facilitator that I admire Marine Selen and you can learn about it on the Netflix special called another self and there are so many of us in the Zeitgeist right now looking towards this modality as the therapy to beat all therapies right as the embodied pattern disrupt of so many of the aspects of our family systems so think your parents their
(02:50) parents their parents that are keeping us stuck in patterns of struggle and what is revealed through this experience of family constellation which is really dependent on this concept of a field of their being like an energetic field that is um revealing perhaps subconscious or um metaphysical ties you know and almost like agreements that are influencing your everyday Behavior this idea of the field is it’s a different thing than Psycho Drama you’re not going there to have a catharsis and to like act out you know what it would to finally tell your
(03:31) parents to go off it’s not that at all it’s very subtle it’s very slow and it’s extraordinarily powerful and I’ve told you know my story many times about how it really changed my life and I’ve been very passionate about it ever since okay so that is my PSA about family constellation so I went to attend a retreat held by amly uh with many of the women from our shared communities and this was in Miami this past weekend and in this particular constellation that I participated in I was representing a dead ancestor as you
(04:12) do so I was representing a dead ancestor which means that I ultimately felt compelled bodily to lay down on the floor which is the symbolic physical movement of the dead so I’m laying on the floor and so the conol is sort of taking place my eyes are closed I’m almost like barely involved at this point and the constellation is focused on a woman who is a mother and it has to do with a health matter related to her daughter there are things in a constellation called healing phrases and one of the responsibilities of the
(04:50) facilitator is to essentially Channel and in it these healing phrases and they’re very simple right so a healing phrase might be you you I am myself I leave your life experiences to you and I choose my own life that kind of a thing it could be I see you I thank you for giving me life you know I see how you have suffered simple phrases so at a certain point omly prompts the gal who’s constellating who’s the mom to say to the woman representing her daughter you can see your father with your own eyes now this simple
(05:35) phrase and half the room began weeping including yours truly it was so spontaneous and the reverberation of this phrase was so profound that I shared the story with a bunch of my girlfriends and each one of them said you know Kelly I have Goosebumps this is so game-changing why okay why because it in a single phrase reveals the truth around the origin of a lifetime of constructed assumptions about not only our fathers but about men in general it acknowledges that we were told implicitly semic consciously by our
(06:25) mothers how to feel about our fathers how to regard our fathers how to interact with our fathers and by extension men in general right so what are some of the things that you might have been told you might have been told or somehow communicated that men are not trustworthy that you need to guard what’s yours uh that it’s important to always be prepared to defend yourself that you as a woman are always going to be better you know at doing things than than a man that you need to protect yourself because men are ultimately
(07:00) scary right and these messages were transmitted through the way that your mother spoke about your father the way that she treated him and the way that you watched her body take shape around him and you carry this into your adult life and it becomes your projected potentially not necessarily but negative animus right as young would say it is it is the representation of the masculine that is your journey to recollect and I’ll speak a bit about what that even means or what that looks like omly told me that if she were to speak to an adult
(07:42) woman the healing phrase would be I choose to see my father through my own eyes right so I call that uh neuroception the Reclamation of neuroception which means that you can see with sober eyes without the overlay of in this case your mother’s wounds and her beliefs and her defenses and her Persona right her own integration of her own uh masculine so to see with your own eyes in my experience is not so much a decision that you make now I do believe that in the field of family constellation you can certainly collapse the amount of time
(08:31) energy and effort needed to arrive at a shift it can happen nearly instantaneously however in order to see with sober eyes most of us need an integrated and healed nervous system right because I use this example often if you’re in the dim light of your bedroom and there’s you know a figure what looks like a form in the corner of your room you might imagine that it’s an Intruder and you have this whole Cascade of events in your body where you have racing heart and your throat is clenching and you start sweating and you
(09:08) feel paralyzed if you can see clearly you can see that it’s a pile of laundry on a chair and none of that stuff happens so this is essentially an analogy for what happens in relationship where you project the demon onto your your ex right or or maybe even your current partner and sometimes in the honeymoon phase we we project the angel so we project these idealized and vilified aspects and we don’t know that we’re doing that right so you know one of the ways to assess this is you know think about an ex partner that
(09:43) you feel a bit resentful toward right or that you know was from a relationship that didn’t end peacefully maybe you were super attracted to this man the beginning of the relationship can you still appreciate an attraction maybe not erotically or maybe it’s not active but can you still appreciate him as an attractive man now that it’s over right or do you now look at him maybe in the you know the shrapnel field of your contentious separation with a kind of disgust and imagine that you were some kind of delusional when you
(10:22) thought he was attractive right so so these shifts in perception where we go from imagining that something is wonderful to imagining it’s terrible but it’s actually the same thing it’s the same entity are just simple examples of how we project these overlays so imagine if you are conditioned by your mom who is the gatekeeper of access to your father literally when you’re a baby and then you know energetically throughout your childhood if you’re conditioned to disrespect and distrust your father then you will take this forward in your
(11:04) experience of Men at Large and you will also relate to your own inner masculine with this kind of a contentious fractured Dynamic right where there isn’t Harmony and complimentarity between your emotional energetic dimensions of self your feminine Essence and also that inner uh Guardianship and I call it you know the inner husband or the inner father that offers your system soothing and safety so there’s a lot to unpack about you know father woundology and the experience of disconnection from the archetypal father Andor the literal
(11:50) father I unpack a lot of this in the reclaimed woman and the program however it can be very simply distilled the father wound I like to say is I am not safe right whereas the mother wound might be distilled into I am not loved it’s it’s just a matter of safety do you live in a safe body do you live in safe relationships to live in a safe world right because that starts with you so when you feel in a safe system you perceive with those sober eyes you have this relaxed comportment towards reality and you can access okayness that
(12:33) Universal omnipresent okayness at will and you navigate reality you know from that premise so how do we reclaim neuroception how do we generate safety how do we begin to see with sober eyes how do we choose to see men our fathers through our own adult women eyes I like to think an order of operations necessary for that so you know I have my version of this I have my program called bital Mind reset which is a a pretty well documented portal through which you can begin to access safety in your nervous system right so you create the
(13:21) conditions I think of it as a masculine initiation you show up to yourself you’re present attentive committed for 40 34 days you do the damn thing and you come out the other side with your system actually stabilized right and we have many many testimonials and and clinical reports and all the things to to evidence that I think that the masculine requires an initiation that’s my observation and and you know people talk about this more anthropologically even societally whereas you know women do not men benefit from initiatory rights into
(14:00) the realm of manhood so could it be the case that at this stage in our development we as women actually benefit from the Reclamation sort of like you know finding our spine of our own inner masculine energy so people love to ask me questions and I love to ask questions of others because inquiry is play but some of my interviews and answers are too hot to handle for Reclamation radio so in my membership vital life project I have created a private podcast that gets delivered to wherever you listen to podcasts where I answer your questions
(14:37) that arise because of my provocative subject matter and I also share interviews that might otherwise be censored that I call the sovereignty Series so you’ll get access to these private podcasts and a private chat by joining my membership vital life project so you initiate you provide this biological safety signal through the this radically self focused care and then you can begin I think only then because if you take things out of order you could try to do all sorts of relational work and spiritual work and
(15:14) ancestral work but if your system doesn’t have the basic capacity to hold intense emotional sensations of Shame and grief and rage you also will not have the capacity to hold pleasure fulfillment contentment and you’re going to stay stuck in this familiar narrow band of tolerance for what’s in front of you uh and rejection of these you know more extreme polarities so to grow the capacity of your system it’s almost like you got to drain the bucket so you drain the bucket and then you can fill it with things including like hm there’s more
(15:54) vulnerability I can bring to my marriage or HM um I am feeling like my job is not a good fit for me on a spirit level and relinquishing that means that I actually lose a sense of identity that has been a crutch for my entire adult life or you know H might be time to have that extremely terrifying conversation you know with my uncle or my sister or whatever so the steps to uh emotional self-safety I like to think of as invol involving these basic tenets that I have been discussing if you’ve been following along you probably will recognize these
(16:38) phrases but emotional self-mastery begins with the commitment to Simply offer your masculine presence and attention to whatever the heck is going on inside who says heck that’s so funny in your system and I call it entering through the upset so when you enter through the upset you show up to yourself like the good father like the good husband who says I’m here show me what you got baby and it’s not about story you just are watching attending to and attuning to the sensations inside you’re creating a container for your own
(17:19) emotional terrain your inner scape then there our practice is related to what I call the villain Crown where you practice experiencing yourself as that which you judge so you also can practice just allowing to be true judgment or criticism that either is actually coming from somebody else or that you imagine might come from somebody else so when you wear the villain Crown you are you’re working alchemically I would like to say with the energies that you would otherwise project through blame criticism and judgment onto someone or
(18:03) something else you’re taking that back and you’re going to wear it you’re going to wear it because it actually serves you ultimately to do so because there’s a part of you that is holding the same characteristics that you are judging on the outside that already believes itself to be that right so uh wearing the villain Crown might be you know judging another woman as and sitting with yourself and the possibility that there is a part of you that just doesn’t have the permission to be or that there is a part of you
(18:46) so it already exists this part right that there is a part of you that wants to know you’ll still be lovable and she’ll still be loved even if you were maybe accidentally right so you’re expanding the permission field to still be yourself even if you’re not the good virtuous version of yourself who’s got it all figured out who knows it all and who is fundamentally Superior to somebody who doesn’t and then lastly is this concept of recognizing where you’re attempting to buy eggs from the hardware store which means that you are in that
(19:24) trauma field of projection and you are insisting that what is in front of you be something other than what it is and usually that takes the form of imagining that you know better what’s going on here right so you’re going to go into the hardware store and you’re you’re going to insist that eggs be available because you know that they should be and you’re not going to relent until reality conforms to your all knowing you know uh experience of of what is so most of our in meshman experiences romantically and erotically with Partners whom we would
(20:06) describe as dysfunctional involves projecting onto those men these overlays and insisting that they be something other than what they’ve shown us that they are right so that is the EGS from the hardware store and it it by definition means you’re not seeing what’s over eyes it by definition means that you’re not looking through the adult lens you’re looking through those childhood projections and you’re tangling with them and you’re dancing with them so this little sort of order of operations will allow it to feel more
(20:47) compelling to live in a world where as a woman you can make choices you can create the conditions you can now part participate in the safety that formerly felt out of your control and in the hands of the bad wrong man okay so if we is this obviously one of the the premises of feminism if we need to demand the uh submission the Contrition and the apology of all men then the control lies without because you can never compel that right it’s not how it works so if the Locust of control is reclaimed through this act of taking
(21:35) responsibility for our emotions for our own self-safety and for the benefits of those sober eyes which allow us to assess whether the conditions we’re participating in are right for us whether the people we’re interacting with can actually offer us what it is that we want and where we can guard our energy our feminine Essence with such it that we don’t just go doing it out through blame and finger pointing because that’s an entanglement so once you are in that practice of offering self-safety on a physiologic on an
(22:13) emotional and arguably spiritual level you have this opportunity to restore the father and to what omly calls take your father or take your mother but today we’re talking about that which means to be a yes to this man as he was as he is as he will be just to be a yes to the reality of him you can’t really possibly know the reality of him however you can get pretty close if you Endeavor to see him through your own eyes rather than through your mothers because I don’t know how many of us have a template for mother s
(23:00) respecting our fathers like truly modeling respect for our fathers and I believe that is the most foundational currency of intimacy between men and women so when you commit to restoring this father Universal or specific there are two practices that I I like to work with um and have committed to largely inspired by one of my teachers Elmer Pon who’s also been on the pod several times which include a commitment to no longer speak ill of men right so if we have a tendency as women to come together and henek and collude with victim stories
(23:42) about how horrible you know that ex is or the baby daddy or you know the toxic boss we are contributing to the experience of an unsafe world right so to make this commitment means that you popped out of those kinds of conversations maybe you make an agreement with your girlfriends that you are no longer going to speak ill of men that’s not a sport you’re playing anymore and the second is to take opportunities to show authentic appreciation right so omon talks about how men have a green light and a red light that’s it it’s just one or the
(24:20) other and you’re either pressing the green light or you’re pressing the red light and the experience of showing appreciation it just means that if if a man lifts my suitcase into the overhead bin for me I can not make eye contact I can kind of like Mumble oh thanks kind of a thing or I can feel in my body that I’ve been taken care of and I can show respect and authentic appreciation in a way that takes a moment it’s intentional the respect that we can offer men in the realm of marriage and relationship actually goes even farther where you
(25:04) begin to observe your tendency which is valid because it comes from this early programming to correct and speak over interrupt micromanage or otherwise be a know-it-all around your husband or around your partner and you can correct that at any time by simply acknowledging I am sorry that I’ve been disrespectful and this is you know something that I learned from Laura Doyle and I’ve seen it in action and it is a testament to the role of respect between women and men I think this also significantly applies to the
(25:50) way that we as single women as divorced parents speak obliquely or directly about the father of our children to our children with our children right so of course it applies in an intact family but it’s far more likely when you’ve actually divorced that you might feel entitled to get into that competitive energy and to frame their father as being an inferior human who is flawed and who warrants your disrespect of course it helps to remember that these children are half of that man okay and so anything that you are reflecting that
(26:33) is less than respect to these children is you know it’s corrosive it’s poisonous and it contaminates a self-concept that otherwise might draw from the appreciation and respect that you muster up for their their father so I hope that this offers some insight and you can carry with you this notion of slowly Stead seeing your father through your own adult eyes [Music] [Music]
