(00:00) There is someone in the relationship who prioritizes feeling cherished and then someone who prioritizes feeling respected. If you demand both of these, you actually have narcissistic tendencies that actually preclude intimacy and the relationship is destined to fail. You cannot be both a career woman and a woman with a career.
(00:26) I could find fulfillment as a career woman, putting my career before my marriage, putting my career before my children. Most of the experiences that we have romantically of attempting to buy eggs from the hardware store. Most of the times that we say we love him, but really what we’re doing is Hi and welcome back to Reclamation Radio.
(00:48) I am Dr. Kelly Broen and today ladies and gentlemen, it is story hour. It’s book report time. So, I am an avid biblophile and I know that not everybody is into reading books. However, sometimes a book falls into my lap that contains such powerful gems that it feels incumbent upon me to cast them around.
(01:18) So, that is what I am doing with a book called Getting to I Do by Pat Allen. This is certainly not a new book and I have heard of Pat Allen’s work for some time. Actually, it was Chris John Northrup who told me about Pat Allen’s work some time ago. And for whatever reason, I just got around to reading this book.
(01:42) If there was one book that I could have read at, let’s say, 15 that would have potentially changed the course of my romantic life. And I’m not saying that it should be different. However, the pragmatic details, the very clear depictions of how a woman might orient herself towards the kind of man that she is interested in and how we can align with our essence and exercise our power of choice.
(02:20) I mean what is contained in this book is it’s the clearest road map I have encountered and I’m going to give you a highle summary of it to take with you today. Okay. So let me set the scene. This is the only quote I’m going to read from the book but let me set the scene with her words. So she says these days women claim that men are non-committal.
(02:42) I claim that women are and allow men to follow suit. Why should a masculine man restrict his bachelor nature to be responsible for an independent woman and her kids? He would rather invest the money in his life, fun, and property as long as he can get sex with minimal cost. Self-gratifying, self-centered men are dating self-satisfied, selfless women who like playing and dating as much as they do.
(03:06) Many men feel castrated and no longer act like men, fighting and competing for the best sex partner. They have few challenges other than watching sports events and clawing their way up the corporate ladder which is currently infiltrated by many women more male than they are. They’ve been put in suits with leftover nooes aka ties stuck in cars for hours each day to struggle to an office often dominated by a woman so hard and tough she would scare the nightstalker.
(03:37) Then after work, the poor guy is asked to make love to the fair maiden and marry her so he can work for her and the kids when she won’t even respect him enough to let him lead because she has to be liberated from the domination of men, quote unquote. This is not a pretty picture and it is one that has turned many men toward an uncommitted life or workcoholism.
(03:57) Balance must come back to a fair trade of respect for cherishing by respectful men and by women who wish to be cherished. Let’s teach women how to be cherished by first teaching them to cherish themselves. So what is she talking about with these phrases cherished and respected? So from her perspective, there is someone in the relationship who prioritizes feeling cherished and then someone who prioritizes feeling respected.
(04:30) And in fact, she suggests that if you demand both of these in equal measure, you actually have narcissistic tendencies. I don’t think she’s using that diagnostically, but you have narcissistic tendencies that actually preclude intimacy and the relationship is destined to fail. So she’s essentially talking about complimentarity or polarity and how it is that we can foreground certain aspects of ourselves to be in harmonious union with another.
(05:03) And she essentially says that you can choose, you can decide. And I’ll paint a picture best I understand it of each of these polls. and she’s very, you know, sort of egalitarian about it that you can choose as a woman to be the one who is cherished or you can choose absolutely to be the one who is respected while your man is the one who is cherished.
(05:22) My bias, as I certainly detail in my book, The Reclaimed Woman, is that the vast majority of women have in their deepest yearning that it is biological in nature, the longing to be with a man who is more competent, more capable, who offers providership, protectorship, and fundamentally safety. Okay. So when I describe the person in the relationship who prioritizes feeling cherished, feeling respected actually follows this.
(06:03) It’s just a matter of this orientation being foregrounded. What I loved about this book is that she gave me the phrase a woman with a career versus a career woman. Okay? So the woman who wants to be cherished is a woman with a career. Whereas the woman who wants to be respected is a career woman. And if you’ve listened to some of the podcasts that I’ve done about my entrepreneurship experience as a woman or about choosing motherhood, you know that the epic gaslight I experienced and of course that was totally self-generated and supported by the
(06:48) dominant narrative. The gaslight was that I could find fulfillment as a career woman. putting my career before my marriage, putting my career before my children. And somehow reaching the the summit, the pinnacle of this expression as a woman and looking around only to recognize the hollowess where there should be, you know, deeper connection, family life and the prioritization of my relationships, right? So as a career woman, I have absolutely lived the reality where I long to be respected and I feel seen when I am respected for my achievements,
(07:35) for the things that I have done, accomplished, and put out into the world. And I’m sure that I am not very unique in this regard thanks to the way that many of us have been raised in a feminist era. And I’ll ask you to listen to these sketches and to really honestly consider the possibility that you cannot be both a career woman and a woman with a career. Okay.
(08:07) So the woman who wants to be cherished is a woman who may happen to have a career. Her powers are what she feels and what she does not want, her veto power. And she honors her own no. So you may have heard me speak about this concept of the little no and how essential it is for a woman to honor that no. So what she feels and what she doesn’t want, which is usually how she feels about her partner’s decisions, opinions, and choices, and those that just don’t work for her.
(08:55) So the cherished woman is a woman who values and leverages her no, including in the realm of sex and sexuality. And I have an episode I’ll link to below on the reclamation of courtship. And as somebody who never really had an opinion one way or the other about hookup culture because I’ve been a serial monogamist, I have come to understand that the guardianship of her own sexuality is a woman’s flex, right? that the access that she offers to a given man in the name of pleasure and play and experience is the abdication of her power, her status and her fundamental
(09:47) femininity which is in her no. So Pat Allen says that it is a commitment and she defines that as longevity, continuity and monogamy. So, not necessarily a ring, but it’s a commitment to these intentions in a relationship that should come before sex, that should come before sexual access is granted. So, the practice of that no until the conditions are met is the way of the woman who wants to be cherished.
(10:28) So seamos has become quite a thing lately and I love myself a therapeutic food over a supplement any day. But there’s seamos and then there’s my fave samadei seamoss. So most people don’t realize that mineral deficiency is one of the biggest drivers of imbalance whether you’re experiencing that as fatigue or weight gain or cravings.
(10:48) So unless you’re growing your own food, it doesn’t contain almost by definition the spectrum of minerals that our ancestors enjoyed. So, that’s why I am excited about Samati Sea Moss. It’s not your typical store-bought rope farmed seamoss. It’s 100% wild and it’s harvested by Caribbean divers from super clean waters, ensuring purity and also ecological respect.
(11:13) It contains over 90 bioavailable minerals and vitamins, many of which are hard to get even in a very high quality diet. Plus, it’s a natural collagen booster and prebiotic, making it an effortless way to support the gut, your skin, and your overall vitality. So, I take one to two tablespoons a day in warm water that I also put a little bit of sea salt in and lime or lemon.
(11:37) Key lime is actually my favorite. And I noticed a shift in my digestion after just a week. The best part is that it tastes like nothing, which makes it super easy to add to your routine. So, if you want to experience the benefits yourself, Samati is offering 10% off with the code kelly10. Check out the link in show notes and enjoy.
(11:58) Importantly, this woman in assessment of a given potential partner in front of her, this woman does not ask for love, for attention, for time, or for sex that the man is not already giving. Okay? So that eliminates most of the dysfunctional relationships that we enter, most of the experiences that we have romantically of attempting to buy eggs from the hardware store.
(12:29) Most of the times that we say we love him, but really what we’re doing is rejecting him. So if it’s the case that you are not going to ask for more love, for more attention, for more time, or for more sex from your man, is this the man that you would choose? Once those conditions are met, the woman who wants to be cherished is very internally focused.
(12:58) So she is what would in BDSM parlament be called the submissive. She is oriented towards herself. She is focused on her own pleasure, her own delights. She’s filling her cup all the time. And that’s how she can sense and feel what it is that’s going on inside of her. That’s how she can sense and feel for her know when it is relevant.
(13:28) So this woman imagines a man who says, “Tell me more about your feelings. and she experiences herself as being put on an emotional pedestal and this feels right to her. Then there is the woman or the man, okay, who wants to be respected. If this is you as a woman, then you are naturally wired, for lack of a better term, to be the leader in the relationship, to be the one who is making decisions and solving problems and generally directing and managing the relationships.
(14:13) In my experience, the vast majority of bitter, disappointed, and overwhelmed women have been playing that role. and resenting that they are in a position to do so. So for the purposes of illustration, we will refer to the respected party as the man in the relationship. Okay. So the man’s power center is what he thinks. Okay. So there’s a lot of overlap with David data’s work.
(14:43) But then interestingly, it’s what he wants. So desire is the penetrative impulse that is to be honored in the man who is respected in the relationship. So this man is other focused. So he’s the dom, right? He is externally focused. He is giving. He is the one giving. How many ladies listening have a long history of buying their men extravagant gifts of offering generous support.
(15:21) Right? This is the domain of the one who wants to be respected. Okay? So he is giving he is doing he is solving problems. He gives more than she does and he is put on an intellectual pedestal. So this for me and many intellectually developed women that I know has been a sticking point because if you are not with a man whom you consider to be intellectually superior to you, like literally smarter than you, then you certainly could run into problems putting him on an intellectual pedestal while you are on an emotional pedestal. And these are
(16:04) just terms, right? It’s not about superiority. Importantly, the man who is respected in the relationship, he is the one who initiates the first date and the first contact. Okay? So, like let’s say you’re at some sort of a cocktail party. Do people do those anymore? Let’s say you’re at some sort of an event and you see this man as a woman across the room who is extremely attractive to you.
(16:31) What Pat Allen suggests that you might do is hold a five second gaze, which I would argue requires a good amount of nervous system healing. Enter vital mind reset. Okay. Nervous system capacity to override a lot of the stress physiology that would otherwise leap to the four in the setting of such vulnerability.
(16:54) But you hold a five second gaze with your pretty little face and that’s it. You don’t go over and say hi. You don’t otherwise initiate the contact. And if he does initiate contact and he gives you his phone number, that would require that you actually call and so-called like chase him, right? So that’s not the vibe. He would be the one who calls you.
(17:21) So the chasing, the initiation, the acquisition happens through the respected partner in the relationship, in this case, the man. So the companion community and program to my new book, The Reclaimed Woman, is called Reclaimed. It is a step-by-step six-week approach to love your shadow, embody your feminine gifts, and to experience the specific pleasure of who you are.
(17:50) If you have followed all the good independent girl rules and you still feel overwhelmed, resentful, and disappointed, you may think that you need to practice or learn or study how to be more soft, slow, abundant, and pleasure-ledd as a feminine woman. Or you might think that you have to be brave and courageous and finally stand up for what’s yours.
(18:13) But the truth is that chasing femininity and fighting for power will just leave you more wired, judgmental, and disconnected. There’s a plot twist, a big reveal, and a hidden path that does not require rose petals and goddess circles or declaring yourself a queen or learning the tricks of a high value woman.
(18:36) You need a huge permission field that can be conferred by other like-minded andhearted women and perhaps my fairy dust to help you remember who you are. I want you to imagine what it would be like to feel a rush of pride as you decline an invitation without a trace of fear or defensiveness. or to sip your tea as you watch your husband fix the door hinge, feeling like the prize who won the prize, remembering when you used to think that you needed to show him how to do everything right.
(19:12) Or to feel the breeze move over your body and a wave of pleasure roll through you, opening your eyes wider to the dancing leaves and the light fragrance in the air. or to wait in the car line for your kiddo, hear your phone ding with a notification and smile that you’re making 3K while mommying.
(19:33) Or maybe to feel the charge of a trigger move from your chest down to your stomach, letting it swirl until a smile creeps onto your face because you know now exactly what you need to create from this energy. or maybe to never be afraid of symptoms or illness again because you know that your body does not make mistakes.
(19:56) Let me show you how to claim the confidence, creativity, and pleasure that are already there awaiting the safe conditions to emerge in 6 weeks. The link is in show notes. I will see you in there. So, this helps us to see a lot of red flags, right? So if you are with a man who says, “Well, what do you think?” or who somehow doesn’t seem to know what he wants, then you better be ready to be the respected one in the relationship and to cherish his feelings over your own.
(20:31) Okay? I don’t know about you, that gives me the ick. I’m sure there are many women who are very signed up for that that dynamic and and you probably are not going to learn a ton from me in this podcast. So that kind of interaction will tell you off the bat that there is not complimentarity available here and there is not a coherent path forward for the two of you that honors what it is that you want to be in this relationship.
(21:00) Right? So so often we as women are with men who manipulate us in ways into leading into making decisions into solving problems because of their own mother woundology. Right? And then they resent women for doing so because it’s symptomatic of a sick dynamic that is not clearly polarized and that has a lot of smooshy gushy elements that are clouding the potential that can only arise when you know in the yin-yang the white is organized into the white and the black is organized into the black.
(21:37) And of course there is that secondary contribution right? So when a man is respected for his mind, he will feel cherished, right? And when a woman is cherished for her heart, she will feel respected. So if what you want is for how you feel to matter in the relationship, then you will stop initiating, planning, fixing, and helping.
(22:06) And what’s interesting about Pat Allen’s perspective around dysfunctional relationships, if you want to call them that, immature relationships, disorganized relationships, is that she says that you should actually stay in them. Like she will encourage people to stay, as a therapist, she will encourage people to stay in these relationships until they get to the point of apathy and empathy.
(22:33) So I’ve also recorded a solo on how to essentially end a relationship, how to know and I came to the same conclusions that you will be in the erotic caress of the enemy. You will be in intimate dynamic with your ex unless you can come with love and go in peace. And often that takes a lot of extinguishing of the arousal that stems from these eroticized wounds.
(23:03) So it will take working on integrating your father related stuff usually not exclusively so that this partner is no longer holding that projection is no longer acting out for you what it is that you have not brought a yes to what it is that you have not thoroughly accepted. Okay? So you stay in the dysfunctional dynamic until you’re at a place of apathy and empathy.
(23:28) She also says that when a man is really in love with you, he will be generous with his mind, his body and his money. When a man who is interested in playing the role of the respected partner, he will also naturally and irrepressibly be protective and he will put your feelings ahead of his own. anything else, any other kind of coercion or manipulation or strategy or negotiation on your part is attempting to buy eggs from the hardware store.
(24:09) So, I hope that you check this book out because it was a a sobering road map to how to enter into these dynamics, how to navigate what she recommends to be the first year that should preede marriage. So, one year, four seasons where you really see what’s going on because it’s after the first three months of the honeymoon phase, so-called that you start to actually uh see through the veil of projection to a sufficient extent that you might encounter a conflict or something that’s inconsistent with your idealized uh
(24:49) concept of who this person is. And I also think this is super powerful information for those of us who are in relationships already in marriages already. And in that case, I would refer you to Laura Doyle’s work uh because that is um it’s really the translation of a lot of the same material but in the marital space.
(25:12) So we have so many tools right now women we have so much insight into how it is that we get in our own way. how it is that our very loyal protector parts keep us from experiencing the vulnerability of intimacy. Keep us choosing men who do not inspire surrender, who do not actually cherish because they’re incapable of doing so.
(25:43) And all the while we are insisting that we be respected for our intellect. So to get sober and clear in this arena is to amplify your capacity to have and hold the love and intimacy that is your heart’s yearning. [Music] I feel good.
