(00:02) we have been duped by feminism sexual Liberation and anti-depressants we have been told that we are powerful and free now as women but we feel tired wired and bitter we’re mostly eating right exercising and meditating wrangling to-do lists and arranging playdates and yet there’s a haunting holess beneath the huge complaint what if I told you that there is a huge Storehouse a reservoir of energy inside of you that has not been tapped that you could feel light and pulsing excited and alive in ways that a wellness lifestyle
(00:49) cannot deliver that you could trust yourself that the world could feel safe and that unexpected and expected Delights could start to illuminate your path no coach therapist doctor or Guru required just you learning to get real present and attentive with you I feel like I’m here to matchmake your inner parts for the greatest love affair ever written I want to help you learn first where you’re buying eggs from the hardware store which is the source of all pain I want to help you master entering through the upset which is the
(01:27) only spiritual practice You’ll Ever Need and to get real comfortable putting on your villain Crown which is in my opinion the key to True power and then you’ll attune to your inner yes so you can live the life defined by the specific pleasure of who you are I am so excited to announce my latest book called The reclaimed woman which is available for pre-order now so if you head to the link in show notes you can learn more about bonuses events and companion offerings and I cannot wait to see your gorgeous face on the
(02:07) [Music] path I’m Dr Kelly Brogan you may know me as a New York Times bestselling author of a book with an exploding pill on the cover Renegade psychiatrist P dancer or honorary member of the disinformation doesn’t what can I say I’m a born provocator I’ve spent most of my recent life exposing deceptions connecting dots and discovering the secret places my inner victim is still waiting to be liberated and now I feel called to help you reclaim all of your parts your health your sexuality your power and your expression so that you can finally
(02:46) truly own yourself I want to ignite in you that inner knowing and the pulsing Vitality that lives beneath your disempowerment disconnection and resentment so that you can audaciously courageously and playfully alchemize your struggle into the specific pleasure of who you are this is Reclamation radio a soulfire production hi and welcome back to Reclamation radio I am Dr Kelly Brogan and today I would like to talk a bit about the pleasure in the struggle I have noted uncomfortably over the years that I have a specific fetish
(03:36) for the feeling of disappointment in my body and as I have practiced what I call entering through the upset to explore and develop intimacy with the sensations that arise when I feel righteously wronged I have learned that there is a lot of arzal going on there is a lot of sensation in my body and I have become curious about why it is that I would be subconsciously manufacturing and creating little dramas sometimes big dramas so that I could experience yet again that delicious disappointment all the way to resentment and sometimes even
(04:26) betrayal so because these Sensations are registered Ed by some dimension of my psyche as alarm signals my shadow is recruited and I have discussed in previous podcasts about how my shadow has the neon lights over it that say I will get them to see I will get her to see I will get him to see and once my shadow is recruited then I am in the defensive experience of minimizing the so-called Sensations and feelings of disappointment I’m trying to get those to go away so that I can feel some surrogate sense of control AKA being
(05:15) right about this vulnerability that I have and the vulnerability stems from the projection of childhood hope onto whomever is the object of my disappoint so whether it’s an experience of weak men or cold-hearted women or unreliable employees and vendors or ungrateful children or forgetful friends or just a life that feels skewed towards meaninglessness and toil all sorts of Sensations arise once that wire of discipl appointment has been tripped and of course because I am attempting in these scenarios to buy eggs from the hardware store as I say to
(06:11) Source from The Impossible place that feeling of being seen understood accepted loved for me a big one is like fended for and saved right so I run a subconscious now semiconscious damsel and distress program where I generate conditions for particularly with men I would say to feel saved right to feel like somebody has got me and because I apparently enjoy the revisitation of the experience of not being saved or offended for the experience of being let down the experience of feeling like there’s nobody out there for me then
(07:03) it’s possible that I from the get-go of these Dynamics and agreements or maybe lack thereof agreement I passively participate in not really making it clear what it is that I need or overlooking opportunities to get on the same page with whomever whether it’s like a Service employee or you know a friend I’m in Dynamic with and I ignore signs that the thing that I actually want is not available here I ignore those so that I can experience this fall from grace this I can’t believe it how dare they again you know somebody is letting me down and so
(07:51) when I’m really honest with myself I recognize that I scan my life for reasons to feel let down dropped tricked betrayed or for me to see people as like generally not coming through for me now of course I could just choose to focus on the Myriad ways that people support me show me love and understanding that people do come through for me that people resolve and solve and attend to my problems in meaningful ways I could simply say to focus on all of that disappointment and resentment is bad and it’s better to
(08:37) focus on the amazing things in my life there’s Great Value in that approach however I have an interest in rolling up my sleeves and getting into the mud of the Taboo in my life and if I’ve decided which I have that feeling disappointed is not good that I should feel grateful instead and I should feel empowered I should accept reality then there is erotic energy tied up in that experience my experience of my own disappointment so I wanted to share a little bit about what it could look like to explore the sensations of
(09:20) disappointment and the Arc of disappointment so that I can learn why it is arousing and pleasurable for me to continue to visit with this eroticized area right so sometimes called the eroticized wound I call it the erotic caress of the enemy right this energy of resistance inside of myself this split inside of myself really holds a lot of potential for me to unlock hint up Dynamics so if I summon up a situation that I would describe as deeply disappointing and I feel the initial sensation in my body often for me it’s like this caving
(10:12) in right behind my chest right it’s this feeling of like caving in and Contracting my body wants to take a certain kind of shape right if I feel overwhelmed the shape might be that I want to like push away and P.S this is a podcast recording that may be more interesting on video we are making the video versions of the podcast available in my membership vital life project so if that interests you for the most part I attempt to make it audio enjoyable only however okay so let’s say it is that I am feeling overwhelmed and I ask my body like what
(10:57) shape would that overwhelm sensation what once I find its Locus what shape does it want to take it might be this the shape of like pushing away my hands away like get off me world get away right rage has a shape grief has a shape shame has a shape right the position and posture that your body wants to take if it’s allowed to take it in somatic experiencing there is an understanding that the intentional engagement of these shapes in slow ways allows for a completion of the interrupted Arc of the emotional experience from our
(11:42) childhoods another way to explore these Sensations is to dramatize them right so in a practice that I did with my coach Whitney that seemed to me a beautiful marriage of existential Kink By Carolyn love well and somatic experiencing I was prompted to really act out the drama of my disappointment and I saw it immediately before my mind’s eye as this like cartoon strip right and there are different frames of how it is that the energy of disappointment runs through my body right so the first frame might be like
(12:31) the this like hands in the air hair tossing around like feeling of like this reality is not what I want it to be I can’t believe this is happening again how dare you right and the second frame is the poor me I have been Forsaken and it’s like a damsel in distress hand on the forehead feeling of like almost attention seeking self-pity right and then fairly quickly it alchemized into this punishing rage right so the vulnerability of that poor me is countered and re-energized and invigorated by the how dare you thread
(13:21) that gets carried through to the punishment of I will show you right so that’s the shadow recruitment I will show you how it is that you are wrong and I am right and there’s like a you know my claws come out and it’s a predatory energy that is there to help me rise from the abyss of where disappointment and the hope the hope of attachment to their being some fulfillment of my unspoken undisclosed desire right the anger is there to protect me from the hurt of that being a hopeless scenario right so when the anger itself is expressed and it needs
(14:07) right this is where it becomes the victim Consciousness loou ritual right it needs more energy to feed it so like I’ll recruit somebody else to tell them the story and to point the finger at the villain how dare they can you believe it can you see what I see right and that can go on and on and on and if I were to take any one of those frames right so I might take a moment feel the disappointment and like literally act out all of those stages bodily of this experience of my disappointment what does it look like if if it were on stage
(14:47) right if there were a character who was assigned and meline moon talks a lot about this the theatrics of this and the creativity that can be Unleashed through this orientation towards unwanted emot tions if I were to put a character on stage who was charged with demonstrating what this disappointment looks like what would she wear what would she sound like like what would be her physical motions and I have the opportunity to select any one of those frames and to really slow it down right so you know when I describe these drama Loops that I get
(15:27) into I move my hand hands in a certain way and I you know toss my hair in a certain way and I can slow down that motion and just see like what arises when I move through these frames slowly and specifically is there any pleasure like is there pleasure in pointing to the villain like literally my hand does it feel good in my shoulder does it feel good in my neck right like how does my belly feel what does my chest do doing is there energy that is like fluttering about that actually feels good in my body right a huge part of my journey into my
(16:10) body has been developing a relationship with nature this is also why I moved to Miami in 2018 from the cold hard streets of New York City and why that was one of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself in this lifetime I also know that there are women who are more in tune more aligned with the natural world than I am I like to be around these women I like to learn from these women and I certainly like to know what products they are creating so my friend Katie Hess of lotus way is one of those women she’s basically a flower
(16:44) witch and I have been so blessed to enjoy her products over the years many years actually at this point flower remedies are the most powerful transformational agent that we’ve seen and they are safe and gentle for everyone pregnant mamas and little ones and they confer alignment to your system in profound ways I’m super excited to share Lotus way with you and the way that you can begin your journey with their products is that you simply choose the flower that you are visually attracted to and that is exactly what
(17:20) you need to support yourself so head over to lotus.com and use the code kelly5 for 15% off so that you can begin your journey home to yourself the link is in show notes for you as I move through this Arc then I can get to you know what I would consider its completion I remember this hilarious bit I saw once from Louie C and he talked about how we never really see a feeling through right like we start to cry and then we pick up our cell phone and like start scrolling right or you know call a girlfriend or whatever and so the ark because we
(18:02) didn’t have the experience of being allowed the Ark in childhood we don’t know that emotions have an arc and we seek to distract ourselves recruit defenses or otherwise mitigate their imagined like power to decimate us so we don’t know what they look like when we just let them rip well what I found is that you know my disappointment starts with like you didn’t do it you didn’t do the thing I hate you and it goes on to like really this vulnerable desire underneath which is like I wanted you to save me to show
(18:42) me right and then it’s a recognition well like you didn’t want to and maybe even you can’t and that means nobody else can but let me try and well actually this isn’t feel any better and seems like they can’t either and then it results in this deep sense of like I’m alone I am helpless I’m actually hopeless now and that hopelessness that rupture of empathy as it’s called in Psychology that release from the projection feels like falling into this very very heavy State what it also feels like is relief what it also
(19:27) feels like is well I guess there’s no point in trying anymore because there is no hope here I give up and that means there’s nothing left to do finally finally finally there’s no more trying there’s nothing left to do and that rest is something that I for one and I imagine many of you do too long for right that is you know I think as data would describe it it’s like the masculine longing for the void it’s in all of us right so imagine that all of that is packed in to the embodied experience of like I hate that
(20:11) this is happening to me you know disappointment in a life circumstance that helps us to understand why we might create little dramas why we might have recurrent patterns of poor me no fair because the Sensations are actually now pleasurable to us they’ve become eroticized and because it in ways has the potential to introduce us to the part of us underneath that feels forsaken alone hopeless helpless powerless that’s wanted our attention for like a really long time right so in the exploration of what our body naturally does when we are visiting with
(21:01) real life circumstances in our present day that are giving rise to anxiety or other so-called negative emotions the exploration of these body shapes allows us to identify what’s held and locked up in there and why it is that we might create the conditions to visit with this shape again and again and again you know and Peter lavine’s teachings he demonstrates you know whether it’s squeezing a pillow or you know slowly running or slowly pushing or curling the spine into a shame posture slowly and repeatedly then
(21:44) Rising into a pride posture right how these simple movements when we consciously engage them allow us to feel the nuances of the energy that is locked up in these spaces and you know again the layer on top from the existential Kink world is that it’s actually pleasurable to run these energies these stories through our body and there are ways for us to translate that pleasure into intentional circumstances intentional Arrangements intentional Dynamics in our life that allow us to directly claim the pleasure consciously
(22:34) right so rather than manufacturing scenarios where I need help and I’m you know I’m this Damsel in Distress right I can know that these are experiences in polarity you know manom relating that I value I can recognize that rather than you know looking with like half an eyeball at a contract with an employee or a vendor and then later getting upset that they didn’t deliver on their promise or what I imagined that they promise I can recognize that what I really want is the feeling of somebody knowing what I want and coming through
(23:19) for me and getting me and delivering me to a place that I couldn’t get to on my own I mean these are some of the fantasies that we bring into the entrepreneurial world as well and so I’m going to intentionally set the conditions for that to work out I’m going to make sure that deadlines are clear that deliverables are clear that guarantees are clear that refund policies are clear so that I can soberly assess whether or not this vendor or employee is a fit rather than unconsciously engaging in what seems to be the best I can do in terms of bodily
(23:55) arousal as far as you know enjoying my life which is to re-engage the Kink of disappointment because that’s not ultimately what I want it’s the best I think I can have right but what I ultimately want is to secure what it is that I’m hoping for right so to secure that feeling of being seen understood that feeling of belonging that feeling of being cared for and attended to that feeling of mattering and the old habit is to attempt to secure that from The Impossible place and then to go through this whole revisitation of the old
(24:38) feelings of grief disappointment rage resentment bitterness that developed over time as we saw that we were not going to get the thing from our parents right we were not going to get that thing and we carry this hope late into our lives but when we are able to visit with the hopelessness in the full Arc of the emotion that hopelessness actually delivers us to this surprisingly empowered place of now being able to recognize what’s in front of us to identify what it is that we want and hopefully to begin to actually
(25:17) create the conditions for the real thing that we want to be fulfilled but I do believe that our bodies want to and therefore assign erotic energy and pleasurable energy to the experiences of the unfulfilled our bodies want to feel that until we are ready to consciously choose differently so the next time that I feel you know disappointed and then disappointed that I’m disappointed or angry and then angry that I’m angry right these compound emotions I have an opportunity to stop what I’m doing and to dramatize these energies of my body I
(26:02) have an opportunity to stop what I’m doing and see what shape my body wants to slowly take I have an opportunity to really allow it to move through me in these animated ways to see where it takes me right to see that disappointment takes me ultimately to this place of like rest and relinquishing which is a delicious territory like of course course I want to rest right so when I generate the conditions around me of feeling hopeless about the possibility that my wishes could be fulfilled well then I get to give up and say it all right and
(26:45) that is you know ultimately a childlike psychology really more like an adolescent psychology that is in some sort of rebellious tension around the Fulfillment of what it is that I want I get to choose to be an adult and look around me to see how it is that I can make sure that disappointment is not how I feel pleasure right make sure that I actually have that opportunity to feel conscious pleasure fulfillment satisfaction and joy as the dominant experience in my life because I am now creating the conditions to buy eggs
(27:29) from the grocery store or maybe even raise the damn chickens myself and get them out of the cpop in the backyard right hopefully that is helpful and I will talk to you next time
