(00:02) we have been duped by feminism sexual Liberation and anti-depressants we have been told that we are powerful and free now as women but we feel tired wired and bitter we’re mostly eating right exercising and meditating wrangling to-do lists and arranging playdates and yet there’s a haunting hollowness beneath the huge complaint what if I told you that there is a huge Storehouse a reservoir of energy inside of you that has not been tapped that you could feel light and pulsing excited and alive in ways that a wellness lifestyle
(00:49) cannot deliver that you could trust yourself that the world could feel safe and that unexpected and expected Delights could start to illuminate your path no coach therapist doctor or Guru required just you learning to get real present and attentive with you I feel like I’m here to matchmake your inner parts for the greatest love affair ever written I want to help you learn first where you’re buying eggs from the hardware store which is the source of all pain I want to help you master entering through the upset which is the
(01:27) only spiritual practice You’ll Ever Need and to get real comfortable putting on your villain Crown which is in my opinion the key to True power and then you’ll attune to your inner yes so you can live the life defined by the specific pleasure of who you are I am so excited to announce my latest book called The reclaimed woman which is available for pre-order now so if you head to the link in show notes you can learn more about bonuses events and companion offerings and I cannot wait to see your gorgeous face on the
(02:07) [Music] path I’m Dr Kelly Brogan you may know me as a New York Times bestselling author of a book with an exploding pill on the cover Renegade psychiatrist, pole dancer, or honorary member of the disinformation dozen what can I say I’m a born provocator I’ve spent most of my recent life exposing deceptions connecting dots and discovering the secret places my inner victim is still waiting to be liberated and now I feel called to help you reclaim all of your parts your health your sexuality your power and
(02:44) your expression so that you can finally truly own yourself I want to ignite in you that inner knowing and the pulsing Vitality that lives beneath your disempowerment disconnection and resentment so that you can audaciously courageously and playfully alchemize your struggle into the specific pleasure of who you are this is Reclamation radio a soulfire production hi and welcome back to Reclamation radio I’m Dr Kelly brogen and today I would love to offer just a quick little diddy on phrases and Concepts that have supported me in
(03:25) speaking my boundaries so when we think of boundaries often we think of reclaiming our power of no right so how do you say no to people and how do you take back what’s yours and as you familiarize yourself with the victim triangle there are many ways that we can hide in victimhood and think that we are speaking our boundaries so chiefly it is whenever we need somebody to be bad and wrong in order to exercise our power of choice so that’s in the sort of like no category we often recruit evidence for the validity of our no which is itself
(04:08) undermining the entitlement that we have to our perspective which doesn’t require an explanation so historically I would have conceived of myself as being very good with boundaries when affronted right so when I was angry with somebody or when I felt wronged I certainly had no problem speaking up and one of the weapons that I would always have in my holster was you know this long email you know condemning whomever transgressed me and I would recruit all of the evidence and have all of the points and I could
(04:42) construct that in like three minutes right the challenge is that I spent most of my life needing litigation level evidence to justify validate support and legitimize my no and that in fact is you know what I’ve come to call the erotic caress the enemy that is like this obsessive attachment to that which you are rejecting that is the you know [ __ ] you don’t leave me energy of codependency and so part of the Reclamation of no also affords you the opportunity to begin to practice your yes which is also part of boundaries
(05:21) asking for what it is that you want and need without attachment to it being delivered from The Impossible place so not insisting that you buy eggs from the hardware store and this is ultimately boundaries are the Declaration of your I am and we can only discover what it is that we are declaring as we come into this body sufficiently to feel moment to moment this is a yes this is a no so one of the most powerful elements of beginning to practice speaking and living boundaries for me has been to slow down enough slow slow down
(06:00) sufficiently begin to develop a capacity for silence and space between exchanged phrases and words with another such that I can actually feel into is this still working for me am I still okay here am I enjoying this am I not right when things are moving too fast and we have a habit of reflexively appeasing and in meshing and only finding safety when we’re in this shared space of agreement with somebody else it’s virtually impossible to feel into your consent to the given Dynamic so as you develop the capacity
(06:43) to experience and hold in your body the risk which is you know fear it’s going to be a sense of you know danger that comes through your system when you recognize that appeasement is not available to you in this moment moment authentically or that imesh with somebody’s reality is not going to actually work for you you’re risking the safety of connection that you would have sourced through those self- abandoning means and you’re stepping into your individuation for your body to be able to hold this experience I am very biased
(07:23) around you know the the health Reclamation piece coming first right first you send your nervous system a signal of safety through the Reclamation of the power of your lifestyle choices your body starts to calm you know the pain the gas the bloating these signals and invitations to come home to yourself are beginning to resolve then you can start to feel and then you can start to hold and then the witness is sufficiently present that self with a capital S is sufficiently connected to enough parts of you that when the part
(07:56) that comes online that says just go with this it’s fine it’s fine you’ll work it out later you know another part comes on that says but this doesn’t work I don’t like this I want something else and yourself with a capital S can organize these different parts you can hold all of that in your body all of that can happen within like 10 seconds of interacting with somebody so for me these phrases have been really really helpful to have in my pocket and I’d love to share them with you so in the
(08:26) the sort of assertion of no this doesn’t work that phrase is my number one so I used to have all of the reasons why something didn’t work for me so let’s say you know my family invited me to you know on some kind of trip or to some kind of event and I I felt that little sense that I was now attuned enough to generate an awareness around of no not a big no a little no no I don’t want that right and on top of the little no would be a big yes like oh it’s fine what does it cost you just do it they’re not going
(09:02) to like it if you don’t right and if I would give a reason you know because I have ballet class on a Tuesday when you give a reason when you insist on validating what often happens is that then somebody who is not accustom to your no might entangle and dance with the reason oh but you can take ballet on Wednesday or what’s the big deal right so if you just say it doesn’t work for me period and then you endure the silence right maybe you enjoy the silence for me it’s often been you know early stages it’s been endurance so I
(09:38) let the silence sit heavy that allows me to legitimize my no in a way that doesn’t beg validation from the other person okay so number one is that doesn’t work for me relatedly is use of the word available right so instead of saying you know no I don’t want to go on a date with you because I’m not attracted to you and actually like I’m pursuing this with somebody else whatever you might just say I’m not available you know to go out with you so I’m not available for dot dot dot okay so we have that doesn’t
(10:18) work for me I’m not available for right and then it doesn’t get into the weeds of like I don’t want to I don’t like it just I’m not available for that availability is a very powerful concept because because the implication is the vectorization of your attention and energy right what are you doing with that is it available here no it’s not because you’re putting it over here right another one is whenever you might take the bait of shaming and punishing someone because they’re telling you
(10:50) something that you don’t like and I’ll give an example you might offer them what it is that they are actually seeking in a way that does not require you validate what they’re saying and that phrase is I’ll consider it I was in dialogue with a family member who was attempting to warn me about how dangerous a trip I was planning to take you know with my daughters was going to be and I felt this part of me that apparently you know still wants to shame and punish those I don’t agree with right who are you know without consent
(11:29) coming into my field to offer me unwanted unsolicited guidance that of course some part of me probably agreed with oh yeah you might be doing a stupid thing Kelly you don’t know what you’re doing as a mother like you might be taking your kids to this dangerous place and maybe you know maybe they’re right so that tension that little inner War can then get played out on the outside and I in that instance noted that I felt the desire to shame and punish like I would TR carefully hear you know if you
(12:01) ever want to see my kids again kind of a thing and because I am deeply invested in ending these wars on the outside I recognize that that punishing and shaming energy is giving my power away you know so my girlfriend was like why you know why don’t you just say I’ll consider it and this phrase was totally gamechanging for me because to offer your consideration or even listening to the quote unquote enemy in the moment and that enemy always has a shifting face right it doesn’t cost you anything right
(12:31) so to say I’ll consider it which is true I’m already considering it right so what would it be you know when somebody tells you something gives you unsolicited guidance advice feedback that feels negative and that feels like it disturbs your system probably only because a part of you agrees with it what is it to say I’ll consider it I’m going to pause here to let you know that if you want more access to me my content and to the incredible humans I attract my membership Community vital life project
(13:05) is where it’s at one of our members Sunny wrote in to say when I step into a VP circle group chat or live Meetup I can take a deep breath and remember that I am among like Minds who will support and encourage my growth and exploration she said this allows me to feel like I am not alone on my journey and that is my goal that you will feel a dimension of yourself finally exhale when you step into my field your permission to own yourself grow and your practice of getting real about radical responsibility strengthen and that
(13:37) Walking The Sovereign victimless walk from Health to relationships actually becomes delightful when you’re with others doing the same join at the link in show notes and at Kelly brogen md.com okay another one is to render your hurt to another your perspective on what’s wrong with the situation with only I phrases so this is big nonviolent communication thing so begin your phraseology with I statements right I feel this because you’ll find as we all do that when you are in your victim you will reach for the blame the finger
(14:17) pointing and all of those sentences start with you okay so I phrases and lastly in the sort of no assertion category is what my coach Whitney calls the appreciation burrito so when I am in a position to give critical feedback to a partner to a friend to my child that I feel is essential to give in order for me to say no to something that’s happening something I don’t like something that’s not working for me it can often be a powerful bridge to begin with the expression of appreciation you know I’ve really gotten so much out of
(14:57) this Workshop it’s been so expansive expansive for me and not but because but undermines everything that came before it and I am going to leave now thank you so much and I will definitely you know pass the word on to others about how great this Workshop was so the appreciation burrito I think is very very helpful in the setting of relational feedback in romantic diets to remember that nobody really wants critical feedback right nobody really wants to experience that they’re doing something wrong so what is it to lead
(15:31) with authentic appreciation to share and then to you know close out with the integration of that appreciation okay so then in the yes category so as you explore and encounter your needs and wants if you’re like me you’ll find that it’s easier to practice boundaries when something feels wrong right meaning like you have to say a no and speak your truth truth quote unquote and you know practice in these ways that I’ve just referenced however what if like nothing’s wrong and you just recognizing that you want something or
(16:09) you need something and you’re really risking rocking the boat if you speak up one thing that’s really helpful to remember is that your needs organize everyone what works for you actually is best for everyone around you because when we self- abandon and we self- betray we contribute to a shared field of victim Consciousness with everyone we are engaging with and it’s it doesn’t serve right so the expression and ownership of your needs and wants actually is best for everyone else so one of the simple practices I’ve
(16:50) been engaging in is to Express gratitude instead of apology I think I got this off of a me somewhere I think it’s fantastic so just noticing when I’m in that false difference right that endless trauma-induced apology right that is is so common I think especially for women sorry sorry sorry you know like somebody will bump into me and I reflexively say sorry notice it it’s it’s pretty extraordinary so if I am running late I will say thank you so much for waiting for me or thank you so much for your
(17:28) flexibility if somebody has to change an appointment schedule because of me rather than I’m so sorry you know I’m running late or I’m so sorry I had to change this it’s just retaining you know your your power and not feeling you have to lay it at the hands of somebody in debt you know who has accommodated your needs and then I will just point you in the direction of how to ask for what it is you want the person who has helped me the most with this is Kazi AR banc and specifically her her book Unbound which
(18:00) was a revelation I summarized the teachings in my relationship Real Talk master class and she has incredible teachings available and allow me to simplify her rubric in this way getting clear on your energy and whether or not it is in the dominant or the submissive will allow you to ask from the right place and not from what she calls the smoos which is the you know I’m going to speak my needs and you better listen but I’m sorry is it okay please hi you know so that sort of mixed energy of also you know what my coach has called like
(18:42) offering and asking right so are you when you say you know to your partner I really love it if you come to this class with me can you come it’d be great if you’re free like is that are you offering an opportunity to him or are you asking him because you want him to come with you and that’s actually going to make you feel better right so getting clear on whether you’re in your dominant you’re commanding you’re focused at word you know what needs to happen and you’re instructing often those phrases will
(19:12) start with you whereas the Invitational submissive ask is inviting somebody into the Fulfillment of your dreams wishes hopes and desires right and often that kind of ask begins with an i right so you know when I recently asked my coach to participate in the science and Euros event at first I was like hey are you free I’d love for you to do an embodiment practice for this event and because we you know explore this terrain I said okay let me ask properly and you know I said our collaboration feels so fulfilling and expansive to me and there
(19:53) is no one I would rather you know do the embodiment practice for this you know dayong Workshop that is hugely important to me and it’d really be honored if you would participate will you so so I’m inviting her into the Fulfillment of my desire so learning how to ask what you want and the cheat sheet is are you asking or are you offering get clear on that is it for you because sometimes If we’re honest that it’s really just for us we don’t want to ask anymore and that’s fine right we’re not ready to
(20:26) make that level of a demand so we have it in an offer but that’s inauthentic and it is a form of self- betrayal because when you’re ready to ask and you learn how to ask and you own the fact that your ask is what everyone wants around you is the clarity of your own desires I sometimes joke that to live in a world where everybody knows what the hell they want and how to ask for it can you imagine how stabilizing that would feel for all of us how clarifying that would feel and ultimately how safe it would feel so lastly there’s just sort
(20:58) of a couple of Concepts that I want to offer that help me as I practice in this way one is to really recognize the eggs from the hardware phenomenon hardware store phenomenon which is that sometimes we insist that somebody be something they never ever ever suggested they were available to be right so you know if I work with a vendor in my business and I say it’s really important you know that you meet deadlines that that’s really important for me so I’ve expressed my need right and then he’s late in a deliverable I
(21:35) okay and he’s got some excuse whatever and then there’s another time and he’s late in the deliverable I could get all into a funk around resenting and feeling disappointed and feeling entitled to something but he already showed me it’s like that my Angelo quote right like when somebody shows you who they are believe them the first time right he’s already shown me who he is so you know I teach about this in my breakthrough Master Class more deeply but it’s a phrasee that my girlfriend Tara offered
(22:02) me it’s there he is again right there he is or There She is again right oh there he is again oh right right right right I’m the one who’s being irrational and expecting something different there he is again he’s always been this there he is again okay and that can be a cue to wake up to the fact that I am aggressing on this person expecting them to be something they have never shown me they’re available to be so there he is again and then of course there is such a caretaker impulse that so many of us
(22:32) have that sort of hides in helpfulness but is really a manipulative tactic to secure safety and that is when we feel we need to especially I think women towards men when we feel that we need to fix it for someone else so you know this caretaker this rescuer and can we just have this phrase in our pocket he’s got this she’s got this right so in a collaboration with someone recently there was a lot of negative feedback that that person got for collaborating with me right so I felt a self-consciousness around contaminating
(23:14) you know his life and his career and you know this is what it is to partner with me or collaborate publicly with me it’s it’s damaging you know to his career and so I felt this impulse to like okay we don’t have to do it you know this event together we can cancel it it’s fine like don’t worry about it I I’ll fix this until I told myself like he’s a grown man he’s got this right and when I feel the impulse to take care of a friend who’s struggling in her life how can I remind myself she’s got this it’s just a
(23:46) way to sort of snap you out of that victim triangle where we just keep exchanging hats from the villain to the victim to The Rescuer and we feed off of each other and the truth is The Rescuer never actually wants to rescue anyone one because once that victim is rescued then we don’t have a role so it’s this parasitic sourcing that is really attuned to the energy of suffering that is available to invite us back into our own personal empowerment so I hope that these phrases and concepts are helpful to sort of keep in your pocket as you
(24:19) navigate interactions that would seemingly set the conditions for you to give your power away to inesh to appease and to otherwise deny maybe that little Whisper of awareness that says you know this is a yes this is a no and I’m aware of it right hope that helps
