End the War with Men

(00:02) we have been duped by feminism sexual Liberation and anti-depressants we have been told that we are powerful and free now as women but we feel tired wired and bitter we’re mostly eating right exercising and meditating wrangling to-do lists and arranging playdates and yet there’s a haunting hollowness beneath the huge complaint what if I told you that there is a huge Storehouse a reservoir of energy inside of you that has not been tapped that you could feel light and pulsing excited and alive in ways that a wellness lifestyle

(00:49) cannot deliver that you could trust yourself that the world could feel safe and that unexpected and expected Delights could start to illuminate your path no coach therapist doctor or Guru required just you learning to get real present and attentive with you I feel like I’m here to matchmake your inner parts for the greatest love affair ever written I want to help you learn first where you’re buying eggs from the hardware store which is the source of all pain I want to help you master entering through the upset which is the

(01:27) only spiritual practice You’ll Ever Need and to get real comfortable putting on your villain Crown which is in my opinion the key to True power and then you’ll attune to your inner yes so you can live the life defined by the specific pleasure of who you are I am so excited to announce my latest book called The reclaimed woman which is available for pre-order now so if you head to the link in show notes you can learn more about bonuses events and companion offerings and I cannot wait to see your gorgeous face on the

(02:12) path I’m Dr Kelly Brogan you may know me as a New York Times bestselling author of a book with an exploding pill on the cover Renegade psychiatrist pole dancer or honorary member of the disinformation dozen what can I say I’m a born provocator I’ve spent most of my recent life exposing deceptions connecting dots and discovering the secret places my inner victim is still waiting to be liberated and now I feel called to help you reclaim all of your parts your health your sexuality your power and

(02:44) your expression so that you can finally truly own yourself I want to ignite in you that inner knowing and the pulsing Vitality that lives beneath your disempowerment disconnection and resentment so that you can audaciously courageously and playfully alchemize your struggle into the specific pleasure of who you are this is Reclamation radio a soulfire production welcome to Reclamation radio I’m Kelly Brogan and today I want to continue the conversation on ending the war with men and reenvisioning what feminism could potentially hold for

(03:27) us as women I want to start by sharing a story about the Western price conference that I recently presented at it’s a very nutrition and lifestyle oriented Health conference and my talk was about victim Consciousness and the way that it can express through health and medicine all the way into uh relational Dynamics and at the end I fielded a question on you know gender and what I think about what’s going on with you know sort of gender politics and gender discussion gender identification in the world today

(04:04) and as a part of my answer I said a sentence something like this I said most of the women I know want to be well handled by a powerful man that they trust and I said this potentially somewhat controversial nothing new for me statement and there were 2,000 people in the room and I felt this like semi- orgasmic wave Ripple through the audience it was like a shared plasmic-like exhale it’s like you know it was all of the women in the room potentially the men too who knows who just felt deeply what I just you know brought in that one sentence

(04:48) and to me that was confirmation that there is something that is wanted deep beneath the anger the rage the grief you know the is something underneath that there is a longing that we have that will not be met through the means we are engaging in for the most part now which is to you know claim our queenship you know to own our power in this way that is fundamentally dominating and controlling so those who feel interested in what it is that I’m saying are probably those who identify with David Deida’s rubric of the feminine Essence

(05:36) right so he talks a lot about and I am huge mega fan of his work um it has influenced me very very deeply on a felt level because the first time I heard him start you know I started to listen to him on the subject I felt in my body yes yes yes this makes sense how do I get there please help me you know because the ways that I am getting there through you know mommying in Partnership are not working so what do I do right so he talks about how when you’re a feminine Essence being fundamentally you are the

(06:08) one who wants and longs to be ravished you are not the one who wants to Ravish right so it’s a fundamentally receptive energetic compartment that you are love and light literally you are the energy of Kinesis and what happens is that in our childhood we are not not seen for that and instead we are acknowledged or validated for more masculine Essence behaviors right for doing for creating you know in the in the realm of let’s say like you know building or you know scientific Endeavors or whatever and so

(06:47) he will describe you know this this feminine Essence girl who you know gets an A on a test and that is celebrated for that and then she develops this masculine shell so she starts to act the part of someone who can do the things and take care of herself and she’s no longer even seeking to be appreciated or engaged at an energetic level for her beingness and then she recognizes over time that that’s not likely to get her a boyfriend so she puts kind of lipstick on that and pretty hair on that and so a

(07:23) feminine shell on the masculine shell and then you end up attracting the polarity of that right and often it’s inverted where you know women have we have learned how to have very strong spines and rather closed hearts and we attract men who have fundamentally Open Hearts and very weak spines and that inverted polarity is running rampant as far as I can tell or we are never going to find fulfillment through the Dynamics that stem from our woundology and so what do we do so he talks about the stages of how it is that we can actualize as a

(08:04) feminine Essence being or a masculine Essence being and you know the first stage is very almost like I I would say like a narcissistic expression right taking the needs you know that we have from the other it’s me me me me me me me how can I get my needs met what’s happening for me the second stage is more where a lot of us land in couples therapy and we’re negotiating how can we meet each other’s needs what are your needs honey well I will commit to being sensitive to those and I will offer you

(08:35) what I can as long as I don’t transgress my own needs and it’s like this very neutered realm that for many of us is often very necessary to establish whether or not basic relational and emotional compatibility is even available and then of course there’s the third stage where you are practicing Devotion to the other where you are in service of Love itself and there are domains where the masculine Essence being exists and where the feminine Essence being exists and there is not intended to be a lot of blurring of

(09:12) those lines so how a woman comports herself when she is in this third stage expression is to allow herself to be a vessel of emotional dynamism right where you express immediately what is non-residual what is just coming through your body because you you are barometer you are a mirror that is so clean for your partner to see himself in that that’s actually so much of what he values and you know vice versa that what is offered to the woman by a man who is in his Lane is that containment is that more encompassing energy field of a man

(09:54) who is made bigger you know by his woman’s energy who is stabilized in his strength and power and in that way he is consciousness awareness attention itself and so this beautiful polarity play is you know how he suggests you can find God through sex you can marry the sacred with the carnal and open up channels of transcendent Divine expression that are not otherwise available when we are in this muddy blur right so a lot of what I have invested myself  in is the different perspectives on polarity that can help

(10:35) us understand how complimentarity can become available in the midst of seemingly irreconcilable differences and so I have organized what I have learned into four different sort of like resource-based action Arenas where you can go deeper on this concept of coming into a new understanding of what feminism might actually consist of and what womaning might look like when you are interested in submission the art of submission and what it is to come into comportment with and toward a trustworthy masculine energy and how you

(11:22) practice that even outside of partnership in your daily life how you ready yourself if you are seeking partnership or how just create the Dynamics inside of yourself for that internal polarity play to begin to express so number one is the art of self- husbanding so this concept is one that I have been working on largely with my coach Whitney for the greater part of the past year and I have come to understand why I have been a match for the relationships that I have had in my past which have been extraordinary and

(12:00) amazing in all of their very specific ways and also have not exhibited this kind of polarity that honestly I don’t see around me either so we’re creating the conditions together for this kind of polarity to begin to express in the everyday relationship so I have looked at the ways that I have treated myself like a pretty shitty boyfriend right like the ways that I have interacted with myself with my emotional realm with my needs with my body as a sort of Overlord instead of a loving and adoring King to his Queen so

(12:38) Chief among the self husbanding commitments is to begin to listen to yourself truly listen so when you’re a good listener you’re not thinking of what it is that you have to say how you’re going to fix it for the person you know what your opinion is you are in receptivity you are in this place of taking in so that you can create and hold proper attuned space you can’t do that if you don’t know how to perceive what’s actually in front of you so the listening impulse can span you know all

(13:17) sorts of different dimensions of your life but one of the easiest ways to begin to engage listening to yourself is to relate to that which is coming up inside of you whether it’s a physical need or an emotional experience with curiosity so how would you begin to turn towards yourself turn towards those inner impulses and experiences with a tell me more that phrase is so important tell me more comportment how do you say tell me more to yourself instead of ugh, this is annoying stop this I wish this wasn’t happening right or I know I know

(13:58) it needs to happen so this stops right so whether that is you know feelings of so-called anxiety or whether it’s that you have a stomach ache or whether it’s that you really need to put socks on right how is it that you can begin to listen the parts of yourself and you know you’ll learn that I have become very very I don’t know I’m all sorts of lit up about Parts work and internal family systems and the reason is because it dovetails perfectly with everything I have taught about how illness and symptoms are not an

(14:30) expression of your Brokenness or your wrongness or your damaged nature that they are a wise expression from you to you about you well that means that we have an opportunity to relate to every single internal expression again whether that’s emotional mental or physical we have an opportunity to embrace that and really as dick Schwarz writes in his book you know really live as if there are no bad parts as if nothing is actually wrong with you and there never was that there’s a very good reason for every single thing that is showing up

(15:08) and if you don’t like it there’s a very good reason for you to not like it right so all of it makes sense so how do you begin to get to know that which you would rather not get to know inside of yourself and how do you also get to know the part that doesn’t want to get to know the thing right so it just creates probably also on a nervous system level it creates the conditions for there to be this regenerative experience of energy flowing and moving so it’s a way to create a very firm approving secure

(15:44) and safe masculine container so next is containers right so create containers for yourself so what does that mean it means what it sounds like if you visualize a container you know its Dimensions you know its purpose right so when you are like of the stories I’ve told about the last time I unconsciously failed to create a container was when I went to the car wash it was a new place right I didn’t ask how long the car wash was going to take I didn’t ask how much it cost I didn’t ask whether I stay in

(16:12) the car or get out and I just sort of was like there all these men running around and there was like nobody at the reception Podium or whatever and it ends up taking way longer than I have and I’m late to meet my girlfriend or whatever and I had created so much unsafety for my system that I was in fawning right so I was in that state of you know the the nervous system alarm where I ended up my god, this story is so ridiculous and funny and important I ended up instead of saying I need to go when is my car

(16:46) done can I please pay I ended up giving my Instagram handle to the guy who was taking a very long time to clean my car with his you know hand towel or whatever when he tried to pick me up so that’s what occurred because I betrayed myself I abandoned myself and I did so oh and by the way then as I was leaving I crashed my car so I crashed my car into a pole that’s funny too universe is hilarious and I all of that happened because I didn’t create a container if I had created a container and I knew all

(17:19) of the details of what the agreement was that I was entering into I wouldn’t have gone because I would have learned it takes an hour and I only had half an hour and I would have learned that it’s like this very detailed hand administered like cleaning that I personally don’t need and I would have recognized that my needs were not to be met in this container so I’m out right and I didn’t do all of that and it was a very vibrant reminder of the consequences of not creating containers you can create a container for any

(17:48) little thing right so before I sit down to talk to you all I can make sure I have what I need I have my water I have socks on my feet the temperature is good in the room I have quiet and privacy I’m going to be here for about this long and then I can recognize whether there are needs that potentially can’t be met at the current time and maybe I shouldn’t even enter this container so it’s a way to render conscious what otherwise is just sort of like ah going with the flow right I’m just G fine I’m going to see

(18:15) how it goes well most of us are not at a stage in our nervous system healing where going with the flow is available so it makes a lot more sense to provide that masculine containment for ourselves so that we can recognize the opportunities we have to actually relax actually let our nervous system move you know in that more fluid space when the container like the river bank is required for the water to move so these containers also apply to the way that you relate to emotional inner emotional work so if I have a strong emotion

(18:46) coming up I will often literally set a timer for 30 to 90 seconds and I will put my hand on the space where I feel it in my body and I will just listen to what that you know part of me has to say and just be there receptive if I didn’t have the timer I might be too clenched up to actually open to that so for me those time containers are really big all my friends know this if I have people over they know you know Kelly’s end time is really important for her to be able to relax and have fun so creating

(19:19) containers learning how to devote to yourself is another one of these practices so I uh was in the shower the other day and I was brushing my hair and I am in hair Reclamation right so I used to dye my hair I used to straighten my hair I used to get a blowout every single week when I was in Manhattan and to me that was symbolic of my relationship to my own you know inner wild and as I have you know let my hair do its thing I’ve come to really love it right and so I’m in the shower and I brush my hair in the shower normally and

(19:56) and I’m brushing my hair and I recognize that I have this Choice point where I can relate to myself with sort of like something on a spectrum from like manhandling to you know rapy energy or I can relate to myself with the sort of like come on just do it get it done participate right just to get the knots out kind of a thing or I can brush my hair as if I am my own lover who just finds my hair to be the most gorgeous dimension of my being How would that brush move through my hair right so as I recognize that choice point I slowed

(20:35) down you know the motion of my hand down my hair and I had an experience of like taking care of myself devoting to myself in a way that of course I would love you know to have mirrored from the outside in so that self devotion is also another means of self husbanding right it’s the difference between you know putting the lotion on because the lotion has healthy fats that are good for your skin and it’s going to be a you know a great um supplement to your health regimen you know or anointing yourself with pleasure

(21:12) and the slowness that is required to engage in first of all noting the opportunity and then taking the opportunity is a part of this resolution of that immature masculine defensive structure that says you know get it done do the thing stop you know dottling right stop wasting time and get in line right so another way is to begin to get boundaried obviously there is so much in the Zeitgeist right now around boundaries and I actually think there’s a lot of Shadow material hidden in there because sometimes what we call a

(21:51) boundary is really just an unwillingness to acknowledge that we’ve met our capacity for what it is that we can hold emotionally and we are now attributing to and potentially blaming somebody else for that limited capacity on our own parts right so what I imagine my boundaries have shifted over time softened because as I grow my inner masculine strength my spine becomes more reliable I am more able to be around energies that are dissonant or unaligned or aren’t for me without feeling like I’m giving something up right but

(22:28) initially those boundaries those very strong no this this is the line kind of boundaries were part of how I created and still how I created that safe container for myself for my inner softness to begin to Blossom open and there are two phrases that I have found to be extraordinarily helpful because otherwise we can get into the habit of feeling like we our feelings don’t matter because they’re just feelings right so which is not the kind of comportment towards feelings that ultimately serves us as women so if I am

(23:07) going to recognize that my feelings are valid unto themselves I don’t want to have to explain why they should be entitled to exist there are two phrases that are really helpful one is I’m not available for this dot do dot or I am available for this da da da right so that is a way without any sort of like here’s why here’s my you know Rolodex of reasons to say I’m available for this I’m not available for this and then similarly this you know it doesn’t work for me right so you can say no and

(23:43) remain connected and say something like you know thank you so much for thinking of me it doesn’t work for me to you know to come on Tuesday the end I remember the first time I started working with these phrases years ago I was so shocked at how that was just it it’s it’s just a mic drop there’s no corollary there’s no followup there’s no you know apologizing that’s it and I I find those really really helpful so when you begin to live your life truly assessing whether or not something works for you or not you’re

(24:16) necessarily attuning to whether or not it works for you to what your needs are and can they be met and is this a situation where I’m going to ignore you know that my girls know just so that I could get some crumbs of approval or connection or am I going to stand with her and her fear or another part’s fear that I might be punished if I say that no is there actually an adult self in the room and then lastly there is giving a [ __ ] about your needs so obviously there a meta point however the way that

(24:51) I do that is to all day long check with myself similar to The Container conversation about what it is that I might need what does my body want you know what is important for me in this moment and the major place that I practice this is around peeing right so I don’t know if you all relate to this I have coupled the words pee and quick right so almost all the time I’ve noticed I will say to a stranger to my daughter to my friend I’m going to go pee quick why why quick why quick how did that happen I notice I also

(25:29) sometimes say eat I’m going to go eat something quick and this quick is a symptom of the enmeshment trauma that my needs are secondary and I am here to serve the needs of the person in front of me because that’s actually how I secure worthiness and safety right so if I were to luxuriously indulge in the experience of beinging for as long as I want to then I might risk all sorts of things that have been coupled with anger you know for many many decades so to undo that I first of all pee when I have to pee even if I’m in the middle of

(26:07) something even if it’s inconvenient I will pause and go do that and I take the opportunity to experience the inbuilt pleasure of the contrast of moving from having to pee and the discomfort of that to the relief of being right it’s like all of these little already there experiences of sensory pleasure are available in the mundane and I do my best to no longer say that I’m going if I’m with someone that I’m going to do it quickly and if I do then I make a joke and I say actually I’m going to take as

(26:43) long as I want have an indulgent experience in there and you’re welcome to wait for me so you know all of these little needs matter and it’s just a way to begin to establish trust where your body tells you something and you listen and you respond that’s actually that Dynamic is how we want to be related to from the outside in right okay so number two is resolve contempt according to om Rani so I will be interviewing um in an upcoming episode so you’ll learn more about this so I’m just going to touch on

(27:21) it he is a BDSM teacher author and practitioner and I kind of love people who are not for everybody I’m just attracted to people who are not for everybody and he definitely fits that bill I have friends who absolutely do not Vibe him however I have found so much validation in so many of the things that he teaches and I have found that there is extraordinary depth and wisdom in what he has to say specifically to women even though he mostly coaches men around how they can step into their dominance so one of of

(27:58) the things that he says is that if we want to essentially end this war with men we have an opportunity to resolve the Habit which is of course a victim habit right the habit of like henpecking men right so what do we do when we get together as women often we derive that surrogate sense of safety by triangulating against men together right so this is the victim triangle the Cartman triangle and we will commiserate together and complain about men and how there’s no men that this and they all do this and can you believe you know what a

(28:32) douche he is that he did this and what a narcissist and this and this and this so the ways that we cut men down especially when we are together it can stop on a dime in fact my friends and I have an agreement where we no longer do that and this includes my girlfriends who are in marriages that are having you know challenges in marriages they of course might want to come to us and vent about their challenges and their ways that you can express yourself this is something that we practice in my membership by life project regularly how do you

(29:04) express yourself through the language of personal responsibility and empowerment there is a way right so he says make every man bigger so don’t waste an opportunity where if a man does something for you that you appreciate how can you express that appropriately given you know the context of the relationship to that man how can you afford men the opportunity to feel useful which he says is essential for men and how can you turn on what he calls the green light in the man right as opposed to the the red light of

(29:37) anything else right so the green light of appreciation and what it does to restore the fabric of man woman relating when women go out of their way to reflect to men their appreciation whether this is you know somebody who carried something for you to your car or somebody who comes to help you with something at your house or a colleague or a friend your brother or your father how can you go out of your way to not manufacture but authentically you know take the suppression lid off of that expression of appreciation and relatedly

(30:11) how do you commit to no longer speaking ill of men and that includes if you’re in Partnership to guard your man’s reputation so he says that that’s one of the most important roles that a woman has because this is one of the most vulnerable dimensions of a man experience is his reputation right so remember Jordan Peterson said you know that a woman’s deepest fear is that she’ll be killed and a man’s deepest fear is that he’ll be laughed at and many other teachers have noted this same

(30:42) Primal relationship to shame let’s say on the part of a man that is akin to existential termination right it’s akin to mortality and I used to view that as like a weakness until I better understood that once that is taken into consideration there is a whole dimension that opens up of comporting oneself as a woman who respects and regards men right so this would mean that you you wouldn’t like [ __ ] talk your man even if he’s standing next to you to you know in mixed company and why would you not do

(31:17) that because it actually is compromising not only to his Integrity but to your own and to your shared relationship okay so lastly is don’t waste a man’s attention so M speaks about how attention aention is a man’s superpower and so those of us who’ve been in Partnership where we Netflix and chill and you know are sort of treating our man like a girlfriend you know chitty chatting and you know let me tell you every single thing that’s on my mind how might that be wasting a very precious resource that you actually want

(31:54) in so many other dimensions of your life right you want his attention it’s often What We crave I know that my relationship to attention how much of it I want and how much of it I can handle has directly been reflected to me in the attention that the men that I’ve been with are able to offer me right so authentic presence and attention so if you know this you know that a man’s attention is a precious resource you might not want to waste it on shitty chat and that’s why your girlfriends play a very important role right like if

(32:27) you have your girlf to do all of that with you might not treat your man like a girlfriend and compromise the potential of the Heros that can move between you okay so number three is arguably one of the more controversial right so you thought that was bad it gets worse so I read this book by Laura Doyle called surrendered wife I honestly don’t even know how it came into my life where it just like materialized in my hands and I finished and I thought wow I can be that girl who causes all that conversation

(33:03) sometimes but how is this woman you know not being burned at the Stak ridiculous as it sounds because it’s very very controversial and I loved every page that I read and the reason that it’s controversial is what I’m here to talk about right now which is that we are are steeped in this defensive victim oriented relationship to our own Womanhood and there is no securing what it is that we deeply long for from that position from that Consciousness so essentially what she says is listen I was in an unhappy marriage I did these

(33:38) things and now things are amazing you know do with that what you will and she says like you can’t have control and intimacy right so how do we relax The Reflex the defensive trauma-induced reflex of course stems from the fear that we will be killed by a man who is powerful and in his dominant energy how do we assess compatibility and in the right Dynamic how do we relax that reflex so that we can have an experience and there’s so many ways childlike ways that we relate typically we expect men to read our minds then we want to

(34:12) micromanage you know and then we want to like go and do it ourselves ultimately right so she talks about how if you go into a restaurant you know you’re not going to expect the waiter to read your mind about what it is that you want you don’t explain to him why it is that you want all of the things so you know validating your wants and needs and desires and emotions as I said before undermining yourself and you don’t go into the kitchen and then micromanage the cooking of it right if you release

(34:40) the grip and you learn how to relate to your own needs which is the next bullet with Artful communication and you trust you choose to trust your man to deliver the experience that you’ve ordered up something opens between you that isn’t otherwise available so I have summarized a lot of what I took from her book some of the main points right and I’m just going to run through them here because I think they’re extraordinary okay ask your man for help and give him an opportunity to feel needed and useful so

(35:09) you’re seeing a lot of overlap now in all of these teachers polarity teachers and what they’re talking about when he asks you for advice when he asks you what to do when to do it or what your opinion is she says don’t take the bait and there is one phrase that you can have in your pocket and it is what whatever you think whatever you think and I’ve noticed that when I’m in Dynamics with men you know collegially friend wise with men that I truly respect this phrase comes organically out of my mouth so men she’ll she calls

(35:43) it a bait because men have been because of their ceration wounds and appeasement reflex they have been inculturated to ask women what they think when the proper order if you will is for a man to lead and guide for him to make the decision decisions and for you to support that that’s why you’re with that man otherwise don’t be with that man right if you’re not with a man who you trust to guide and Lead then you shouldn’t be with that man I mean it could be that simple right however if you are then the way that you allow him

(36:15) his domain is to support his native capacity to guide lead and decision make and that is you know precludes your guiding leading and decision-making no matter how good it you are and this is not like a gift you’re giving him this is so that you can have the experience of his energy that you want right okay she says rather than nagging him for his lack of attention you know like let’s say he’s like uh you’re know watching TV or playing video games or golfing or whatever and he’s not paying enough

(36:49) attention to you you could go into your victim you know howy like you never do this you always do that or you can simply say I miss you I love that right it’s just an Invitational rather than critical and she says let him fail let him fail without criticism and nagging she says choose to trust and support him and she tells a story about how literally when she shifted into this Dynamic her husband didn’t pay the bill and their lights went out and she chose to see in him that he had a good reason for allowing that to happen and and that

(37:28) he’s going to get back on track and she’s looking forward to it so it’s like a non-h hysterical non-punitive non-reactive partner energy not like Shadow mommy energy right so she also says you know a couple more points receive what is given or gifted with gratitude so really emphasizing the appreciation that comes from when it is that you do receive I this is such a meta spiritual concept right like how can we expand our capacity to have by actually feeling it actually taking it in says don’t do for

(38:03) your partner what they’re capable of doing for themselves just because you imagine that you can do it even better or faster right so how do you restore that Sovereign Dynamic how do you allow your partner to actually be somebody who you know will figure it out who you know will do it and interestingly that includes things like their own laundry right so you might think like oh this is like a servitude Dynam but it’s more Nuance than that so lastly she says talks about knowing what you want and knowing how to express it.

(38:35)  So that brings us to the last point. which is teachings according to kazia aranc who I represent you know her work I love her work I love her book Unbound it was extraordinarily gamechanging for me and I talk about her work in my relationship Real Talk master class that recording is available and she helps us to similar internally get into a relationship a conscious relationship with our inner submissive and our inner dominant so that we can bring forth one or the other in the right context to get what it is that we want and to learn how to ask for

(39:16) it so she gives many examples in the book and a lot of instruction about you know how it is that you can identify which situation and context is appropriate for a you know a Dom ask and a sub ask and there are so many ways to think about this energy like I like the language of somatic experiencing and the Predator prey concept right in the prey comportment there’s this like Yin vulnerability and openness and it’s it can be scary right in the Predator there is like you know even in in my position right now there is a different posture

(39:53) there’s a different energy there is a different gaze and more commanding and you can feel how different those two energies are so when you are in the submissive ask which is more commonly the case you are focused on your experience you you say sentences that start with I I feel I want and you’re inviting this man to play a very important role in your fantasy vision and you’re creating that space for him to step into ver versus the Dom ask where you know what’s up you are clear on the instructions that you want to

(40:34) give and you’re going to deliver them in command language that starts with you right so I made up like an example here in the sub ask if I want to borrow money from my uncle right because this obviously applies not only to partnership and she has you inventory like all of them in in your lifescape so that you can start to more consciously relate to them so I might say you know you’ve always been a her in my life and I have this dream of starting an online awaken sticker company and I need $1,000 to get it off the ground I would

(41:06) feel like such a princess being carried off to my castle if you would help me will you right versus like Adam ask if it made sense um in this context would be like you always know how to get a girl on her feet so here’s an opportunity I know you can’t refuse my new business needs rescuing to the tune of a thousand bucks let me know what you need to make it happen right so there are like you know many examples where it makes almost no sense to do a Dom ask and other examples where it would be self- betraying to do a submissive ask

(41:41) or it’s really clear you know she gives an example of like if you want your man to pick up the kids Wednesday Thursday and Friday you might say you know I would feel so taken care of and like you know exactly how it is to show up when I am really feeling like I need a minute if you would pick up the kids on Thursday Friday and take them to practice on Saturday would you be willing to do that right versus you’re going to pick the kids up Thursday Friday and bring them practice on Saturday let me know what you need for

(42:10) that right so there’s just such different energy in that she also talks about how essential it is to be able to dance with no right so if you get a no initially that you don’t collapse immediately and that then you step into this tuned dominant energy where you’re studying who it is that you’re interacting with you locate what it is that’s going on for them because we are women and we are perceptive like that and you can say you know it seems like you are afraid this might backfire is that true or it seems like you might

(42:43) have concerns about this or that is that true and how when you focus on what you want and what you know you want you don’t take the bait of distraction like I’ve written about the example of you know if you know that what you want is a divorce and you ask for that and your partner comes at you with all the things you’ve done wrong and all the reasons you’ve ruined his life and all these things you don’t take the defensive bait instead you’re you’re trained on what it is that you want and you just wait for the

(43:12) moment to say let me know what you need to get the papers signed right so that energy of exercising your inner Dom comes in very handy it’s a way of almost holding yourself and it’s a way of almost self- husbanding so that that you can provide for yourself what may not be coming from the outside and secure what it is that you know you want and need so I wrote all of this up in a little ebook that is available inside of my membership vitol life project and my intention really here is to just open up the conversation and start to bring in

(43:51) resources because if there’s one thing I’m good at it is attracting all sorts of different resources to my lifescape and seeing the ways that they are sharing very similar messages and building a coherent reality that we can choose to step into and I know that the opportunity that we have here as women to surrender on the altar of love what it is that we imagine we fought so hard to grasp and grip and take to our graves right indignance is one of the greatest plot twists of all time right like how we have this opportunity to choose to

(44:36) submit because we don’t have to and what it would mean in the restoration of erotic potential between men and women in Partnership to really become skilled at what it looks like to submit in that way and to practice a lifestyle of regard, respect, and appreciation toward men  trust me if there is anyone for whom this would have sounded totally reprehensibly insane too you know even a few years ago it’s me my investment in the war with men was so deep that it was driving pretty much every decision that I made

(45:18) professionally as an activist it really colored the world I thought I wanted to create and I began to understand that that is also why I would generate experiences that would validate you know my inner victim and my indignation and my disappointment and so disappointment is one of the very very important internal spaces to explore the part of you that is holding disappointment in men and so I want to offer as a separate episode a small parts work inspired meditation on this disappointment so I hope that this

(45:59) has been helpful I’ll talk to you soon