(00:02) so I designed my first live Retreat audacious embodiment as a feminine Reclamation boot camp and the ultimate pattern disrupt of all of the ways we close down shut off and choose survival unto death instead of Vitality in our lives as women so I called in an All-Star cast to take the stage and expand the permission field of what we get to be as women who we are allowed to be and to guide you through Shadow work with yours truly Osho Dynamic meditation family constellation ancestral song Hair whips and sensual hip grinding routines
(00:40) creating art out of your longing twerk and perhaps the climax pun intended of the event where in the able hands of a dominatrix I gave a surprise to me demo on how spanking can be used to alchemize your inner tyrant’s voice into love celebration and acceptance it was game-changing not only for me but for everyone who was able to witness this and it is now recorded and available for you to partake in so one of the attendees said I left feeling so much more attuned and open to my emotions and I feel this connection to my intuition
(01:21) and My Body Sensations that I didn’t even realize was there and another said this past weekend she opened the door invited me in and gave me permission to open my heart move my body and dance heal my mother wound say no say yes use my voice honor respect and admire men honor my own courage meet my dominance and submission meet my Edge and go past it I know that these recordings will translate what occurred that weekend and I cannot wait to hear what gets audaciously ignited within you so so check them out they’re available on my
(02:02) shop page and at the link in show [Music] notes I’m Dr Kelly Brogan you may know me as a New York Times best-selling author of a book with an exploding pill on the cover Renegade psychiatrist pul dancer or honorary member of the disinformation Dozen what can I say I’m a born provocator I’ve spent most of my recent life exposing deceptions connecting dots and discovering the secret places my inner victim is still waiting to be liberated and now I feel called to help you reclaim all of your parts your health your sexuality your power and your
(02:46) expression so that you can finally truly own yourself I want to ignite in you that inner knowing and the pulsing Vitality that lives beneath your disempowerment disconnection and resentment so that you can AUD audaciously courageously and playfully alchemize your struggle into the specific pleasure of who you are this is Reclamation radio a soulfire production hi and welcome back to Reclamation radio I Dr Kelly Brogan and I am here with Kimmy inch the last time and you you can listen to our last conversation it seems like five
(03:27) lifetimes ago the last time we had a conversation I was most interested in learning about Kim’s perspective as a leader she would call it and we’ll get into that again just a refresh what many would know as a Dominatrix and the winding path that she has walked over her lifetime and career in service to helping people come into pleasure embodiment and personal power and I hadn’t ever had we hadn’t ever met and I hadn’t ever had a person experience with her and since that time I have had one of the more influential experiences
(04:07) probably of my life with this woman on my own stage and I’ve also been in her extraordinary container called something more which is a retreat that I went to with a girlfriend of mine and I would love to share some of the the highlights and also to bring some of these I made like all of these mental notes during the retreat of the things that you say that I just don’t hear others saying that are such extraordinary gems and I really want to put them in a little glass case and and make sure that we gift them to everybody listening so
(04:43) welcome woman I’m so happy to be in conversation with you thank you so much Kelly I love being here you know I love your audiences are so amazing and I actually like I want to remind you we’re actually spanking sisters yes oh I’m about about to get into that we will definitely get into that but yeah I would love to introduce myself my name is kimy inch I’m a professional dominatrix I’m a sex positive edutainer I’m a trauma-informed sematic therapist and I’m a motivational spanker and I get off on introducing
(05:18) people into learning what’s possible in their erotic lives yes you do I told her I was like you are introducing yourself because no one can do it better you are just the best and that’s what’s so extraordinary about you is you are you are literally what you just described I mean Your Capacity to hold space as a literal Entertainer like hilarious and you know extraordinary Storyteller and the way that you can Captivate an audience something I want to depict there’s also replays available PS if you want to indulge in the experience
(05:55) yourself but then you also have such a a heart centered mission in the taboo world of conscious Kink so I want to unpack that a little bit I know that your story could be I was actually just thinking this before we started recording I was like I wonder if you’ll ever write a book about your like an autobiography but I’d love to just give a glimpse into how it is that you found yourself in the unusual role that you occupy as somebody who is both somatically informed and sexuality focused that combination you’d think
(06:30) it’d be more common but in my experience it’s vanishingly rare and that’s that’s a part of the which I also want to unpack for for everybody like what I mean by this but that’s part of the the safety that you confer to these Explorations that is not always available you know and that’s part of why BDSM and kink can earn perhaps you know validly a bad wrap is because you know the container is not well well set so how did you find you’ve been doing this for a minute so how did you how did you find yourself in this position no
(07:05) pun intended Kimmy yes well it’s it’s interesting because my first brush up with Kink was as a child growing up and that’s really what is the link between our desires and our fantasies are The Impressions that were made upon us as we were growing up and you know some people like to say that our fantasies are linked to our traumas and I haven’t heard any scientific research to back that up but I do believe after working with thousands of clients in my own personal experience that there has been Impressions around intimacy sex love
(07:38) relationships that could influence what we desire and our path in the erotic world so I remember watching an R-rated movie um called Basic Instinct with my mother already awkward and there’s a scene in the movie where it gets really sexually violent and they’re scratching each other and biting each other and having sex and orgasming and getting really kinky and violent and my mom turns to me in that moment and is like you should not be watching this and in that moment it was a mix of arousal and turn on and embarrassment and shame and
(08:14) confusion and all of these things sort of mixing together within my body and chemicals are releasing and hearts racing and genitals are tingling and just all the things and I remember that being such a poignant moment because I had never felt such an intense sensation in my body before and I remember in that moment being like Oh it’s so good doing things we shouldn’t be doing like I felt so alive in that moment because of that naughty that naughty nature of it all created the thrill for me and because of that impression moving forward into my
(08:48) own sex life when I started to have sex with the first boyfriend that I ever had we were about three times in and I was like oh God is this it and it was the desire to like how do I how do I spice it up like how do I bring that charge into this relationship I just thought that’s what it was supposed to be like so I would suggest tying each other up and spanking each other and dressing up and pretending to be different people and he was as accommodating as a 16-year-old boy could be and he just didn’t understand why I wanted to do all
(09:21) of this weird [ __ ] as he said it um so Flash Forward and I’m living in Japan as a DJ and I was invited to start DJing at fetish party and before then I had no idea like really what Kink was or BDSM or fetish I had seen Pulp Fiction and there’s that part where they say bring out the [ __ ] and I was like no thank you like I was like I don’t know what that’s about but that’s scary but here I was DJ at this fetish party and I look across the room and people are in these like lavish outfits of latex and Leather and
(09:52) Lace and school girl uniforms and like you know just like you name it like everybody is dressed to the nines and they’re interacting the ways that I saw Basic Instinct in the sense that they’re tying each other up they’re spanking each other they’re you know biting each other they’re interacting in this like really intense way and I was like okay all the dots are starting to connect I guess I’m kinky and I met women there who were professional dominatrixes and they introduced me to that work and originally I was like oh
(10:25) hell yeah I’m going to be a queen I’m the boss I get to tell people what to do for for money I don’t have to take off my clothes I don’t have to have sex with anyone and my really limited perception of that world is what people see on movies and TV and the media like you know I was a total fake Dom when I started out because I had no idea really what the heart and the soul of that world was about and you know I think about people who don’t really know what they’re doing in that world and I think they’re just embracing a stereotype that
(10:58) they see you know in the movies and things that are sensationalized that you know it’s it’s abuse and it’s violence and it’s unhealthy mentally unstable people engaging in these activities so when I started doing deep inner work on myself I realized like wow actually this is a Sacred Space where people can really Express themselves in the most vulnerable way a person can express themselves and I was there to help guide influence and Inspire their life force energy and help them to feel seen and expressed and celebrated for who they
(11:32) were and that in in and of itself can be so healing to just be like tell me more tell me more about the secret desires you don’t tell anybody else like tell me more about that thing that you want to try or the thing that you’re so excited about and it’s such a beautiful experience to see people be expressed in their deepest desires and I decided to go back to school to study sematic therapy I’ve been training in Tantra for many many years and combining Kink Tantra and sematic healing work altoe I created sort of this healing modality
(12:06) that I love to share with others so people can get in touch with their erotic energy and feel that they have everything they need within within themselves as well amazing I mean we’ve we’ve come to really the same focal point through very disperate paths you and I which is the cultivation of aliveness right when I was in your container you use that word a lot you use the word Heros and this Reclamation right of that vital force energy and how you have experienced Kink as being one of the foundational methodologies even
(12:44) right so that it can be framed as a therapeutic modality for shame Alchemy and for the permission I guess to be conferred to what would otherwise be kept in a taboo Vault of of you know self-rejection it’s extraordinary and I think when you don’t have the framework that you bring around reading the body right and staying attuned not only to your body but to the body of whomever it is that you’re working with and creating impeccable containers for that yeah it can be a lot a lot it can mistranslate it can in many ways probably end up
(13:28) perpetuating that which it intended to resolve so you know I’m the last person who’s G to be like fear-mongering about how you could mess yourself up with with Kink however I’ve just appreciated the Consciousness that you’ve brought to it and I also know that you don’t necessarily think of this as a sexual practice and when I was in your at your retreat at something more we shared one morning and I shared you know people were just vulnerable sharing because you make it very easy you know for people to do that and so I shared this sort of I
(14:05) don’t know I guess I was becoming self-conscious about this because it’s not my first BDSM Retreat and I shared you know I wonder what it is about me that I continue to sign up for these experiences despite not being available for sexual contact and play like why do I keep going to these Retreats like what is wrong with me do I think I’m like a [ __ ] Anthropologist or something like what what’s the deal and you know I also didn’t necessarily need to even say that because you make it you create such a huge permission field and you make it so
(14:38) okay to engage this these practices simply as embodiment and somatic practices right so I personally didn’t have what would be described as like a sexual experience and I came away having a lot of practice under my belt with a lot of you know especially King EXP exploration and we can talk a little bit about what the retreat consists of but I think there’s no better example and I thought this right after it happened I said to my team there’s no better example of the capacity for Kink to alchemize you know restrictions and
(15:16) contracted tight places in the body than what you demoed at my event so I put on for those of you who somehow haven’t heard me yapping about this I put on my first event in November of last year and I invited 11 women who have offered me permission to wom in ways that I formerly believed I was not allowed to wom and Kimmy was one of those and when she took the stage because I had only ever you know been exposed to her online I hadn’t yet had the experience of being in a room with this woman and when you took the stage the command that you
(16:04) wield I mean it was felt you could have heard like a pin drop like a true Mistress of Ceremonies the the way that you hold space is you’re just Larger than Life and that’s probably why you have been successful in this Arena that you’ve chosen as a leader and and an artist you know and the experience that you invited me so you had asked me very innocently beforehand you’re like will you be my you know so there 100 women in the room you’re like will you be my spanking demo so I had I had just happened to be wearing this like velvet
(16:41) get up that had like a detachable skirt as you do and so sure I have a leotard on like it’s not a big deal and you know I’ve already like danced in a bikini on Instagram so whatever so I figured I was literally just going to like you know lean over I’m very comfortable would have been comfortable nude in front of these women like it was fine right I had no idea what I was what I was getting myself into and you know at the risk of reducing something that really was ineffable to you know this brief description you demonstrated how one
(17:17) would use impact play so-called impact play and and even punishment play in a nonsexual context that’s why you call this spanking sisters in a nonsexual context for self integration and expansion and self-development and you had me you just knew exactly what to say to me and I’m going to I’m going to invite you to share your perspective on the event in a second but you knew exactly what to say to me to elicit one of my rather like Universal right but one of my you know points of struggle which is the way in which I I call it Smalling myself myself
(17:59) right or attenuating myself or you know sort of like just shrinking down a bit so I’m more bite-size and and not ironically given the event that I put on not always like walking audaciously right rather sort of shrinking back I guess and who can’t relate to that right I mean that’s why I put the event on to begin with is to start to invite all of us as women to begin to lean into the discomfort of that right and so you knew exactly what to say to to locate that and you demoed the spanking on me as not as Kimmy saying bad girl Kelly right but
(18:42) as my own higher self so to speak who was you know playfully saying enough is enough and you invited my one of my best girlfriends Sarah up on stage with me to again anchor that safety for me and to to open this this heart Channel and then invited all of the rest of oh my God makes to cry all the rest of theing yeah I can feel it was so extraordinary and like what what we experienced collectively it was Alchemy it was emotional Alchemy like for every single woman in the room so it was it was [ __ ] epic and like so many women told
(19:21) me it was the highlight of the entire experience which is saying something because there were some boss babes on that stage so thank you I want to just formally thank you and I would love for you to to describe like what your intention was and how you like structure an experience like that for maximal impact no pun intended right because that’s ex you knew you knew what was I I know you knew what was gonna happen and you delivered on that and none of the rest of us we were just brought on a ride so I I’d love to hear about like
(20:02) your obviously many years of experience creating these you know Dynamics for people to really work through I mean imagine how much therapy would have been required like I could have spent endless hours in therapy never having an embodied experience I also want you to speak to why this spanking right like why is that important having an embodied experience of trans muting something that is is otherwise like weighing me down so yeah what what was your take on it yeah I mean gosh like I’m fighting back tis just hearing all this feedback
(20:40) and it’s so beautiful because it the honor of being able to speak to your audience around something that I’m so passionate about is such like such a great thing and then the experience with you you know it was interesting because it’s important to me to demonstrate how we can dive deeper and and go Beyond what’s on the surface especially when it comes to Kink and sexuality as a whole and the idea of impact play which means striking another person repeatedly for sexual gratification most people think of this as two consenting adults using
(21:13) it as an erotic punishment of some kind and that can be really fun and if we were able to show how much deeper that can go that is basically was the intention of like let’s let’s go there like let’s go down the rabbit hole and Kelly have to say you know I as a a woman who’s a leader in my spaces and and seeing you as a leader as well like you know you’re such a beautiful reflection for me and for all that you touch with your with your heart and I remember having you in position and you look absolutely gorgeous and warming up
(21:47) the body moving some energy letting it flow and I can feel the the part that was like needing to really receive because you had just put so much energy and effort into creating this event that just everybody was benefiting from and it was like people were having these expansive amazing moments and it was truly my desire to give to you in that moment and as I was demonstrating this idea of using spanking or impact play as moving energy through your body so the audience could see like it’s not just like who’s your daddy you know like it’s
(22:20) more it can be more than that you know and I’m doing percussion a little bit up and down your back I’m doing it on your buttocks I’m like rubbing it your legs and your arms like having it move throughout your whole body and I wanted to show like if we’re going to play with this idea of erotic punishment how about instead we use it as a way of like instead of saying you’re a bad girl for not doing the dishes or you were late you know like why don’t we talk about the ways you’re standing and blocking your own happiness or your own pleasure
(22:51) and let’s start calling you forward and as we were moving in that space together you were so open and so willing to go there but and I also can just feel like something from the higher power just like leading me through this experience and I remember after I did the spanking with you there were several women that were like that was really risky like that could have went totally sideways and she could have been like what the [ __ ] you know like and I was like I know isn’t that isn’t that thrilling you know and they’re like what would you have
(23:23) done and I’m like I would have just demonstrated how to clean up a mess or how to you know get back into right relationship after some misalignment or some misattunement but there was such a deep Attunement between the both of us and and feeling your body open and expand and receive gave me the green light to really know that this is something that we can bring even more into the Forefront so having all the women come forward they were so excited to also participate and give to you as well and to witness you and to to pour
(23:56) into you these words of affirmation and what they see in you and their gratitude and their their honor of you it was like such an amazing experience to feel like everybody’s heart exploding and to just hold space for you and it just reminds me of like really what’s possible when we’re really really willing to be in our hearts and really willing to open up to infinite possibility because you think about Kink as a slap and a tickle and a little bit of a haha let’s put on these you know furry handcuffs But ultimately
(24:26) people use King because they want to feel something and being able to open up and feel something and actually take a break from our identities and our roles in the world of like being the leader the organizer the boss babe or whatever those things are and have an ego death almost where it’s like none of that [ __ ] matters anymore like what really matters is your beautiful spirit that everyone wants to celebrate and and embrace and to also include some intensity while you’re receiving these words of affirmation your brain is
(25:00) thinking to itself like this isn’t normal like just like ritual your your brain is paying attention and your subconscious turns on and pays attention in moments that are very very different than what normal day life looks like so when you’re using that as an opportunity to input new information that is going to be such a an experience for the brain neurologically speaking to rewire itself through that human contact and through that power of suggestion and through the power of the intense the intensity of the Sensation that you were feeling
(25:31) simultaneously all of those are a recipe of a recipe for you to have an altered state of consciousness to shift your perception and to open you up to unconditional love and hopefully even get you in touch with source as well absolutely I mean that’s exactly what I experienced it was it was a a Transcendent moment and the ingredients that you just referenced are all a part of that specific Aly right so I I felt I mean I had like I was on the beach with my one of my friends the next day and I literally had bruises on my ass so like
(26:07) I felt I felt intense sensation would I call it like pain probably not but I C it was very intense Sensation that Drew my attention inward into my body I mean I was up on stage I had every reason to be self-conscious right to be like floating I I I often float outside to be floating out out of my body watching you know criticizing judging Discerning you know how I was being perceived and instead because of the impact my focus was inside and there wasn’t it’s like the Epic pattern disrupt there wasn’t the cognitive availability to like
(26:52) resist all of the the language like the spells that were being cast on me the these affirmations right and I’m not a big like affirmation girl but in this context it’s such an incredible mixture of ingredients that allows for exactly as you’re describing these like new like psychon neurologic tracks to be laid in fresh snow and you would never imagine you know that that could be on on the other side of something that seems like why are these two adult women you know doing this and that’s what I find so so fascinating about again like your
(27:33) specific approach and and why you Advocate I mean you talk about right that you have these girlfriends who are platonic friends and that you help right that you call one of these girlfriends like if you just need to experience Movement Like Through Your Vessel of a body right you you might call somebody you call them the Earth spanking sisters right oh yeah I love it you know and it’s fun to think about like what’s going on in our lives where maybe we’re feeling some dissatisfaction or feeling some disconnection or maybe not so sure
(28:06) about you know um at the play Party during my 4day weekend that you were at I remember sharing like after a breakup feeling like myself- esteem was really shot and there was this desire to just feel wanted and desired so I actually asked for it and I said like hey to the men in the room I want to feel your desire and your want and I want you to be inappropriate like I’m tired of being the honored respected teacher like look at me like a piece of meat you know and and I could ask for that I could ask to be objectified consciously and
(28:41) consensually and have an experience of like well if you’re really Desiring to be wanted like let’s turn that up like as high as it can go and see what happens in your body when you receive what you desire and what you want and that could have looked at a many different ways you know I could have asked to in that objectify others and I could have like you know put on different hats to play with these things but ultimately Kink is such a cool tool because you can play with the things that are showing up in your life when
(29:08) you hear people on TED Talks talking about like vulnerability you know is you know I love Rene brown but like vulnerability is so important and surrender is important and these like you know Concepts but it’s like how do you practice that sometimes it’s really hard to understand like how do I actually strengthen that muscle and King can be a way being like I’m actually going to go into this with the intention of you know testing my own resiliency by receiving intense sensation I’m going to maybe go into this like in in a sense
(29:39) that I want to surrender and let go of everything that I know and see like what comes through if I just like let go of my image you know and there’s these different ways that you could play with it in Kink that I think can be so much fun and yeah and there’s no hangovers afterward there’s no like medicine hangovers and you actually learn communication skills and how to trust yourself and Trust other people I think like the orgasms and the expansion is actually the icing on the cake but the cake really is about strengthening your
(30:09) own self-identity and really stepping back into wholeness and knowing who you are and being able to trust the world and know how to flow with It ultimately so despite my passion for holistic health and natural healing I am actually not a big supplement girly with rare exceptions suppl ments seem to generate their own albeit mild side effects for me and I don’t take anything regularly and haven’t for many years I do however know the importance of remineralization when it comes to optimizing the body’s water and for
(30:42) years now I’ve taken Kinton which is plasma seawater and it has over 78 bioavailable minerals no additives no sweeteners no nothing it’s exclusively distributed in North America by Quicksilver scientific and you can visit my page to learn more at Quicksilver scientific.com kybe and use the code Kelly B at checkout to save 15% off your first purchase this has been yeah my exact observation is that you know a lot of us who have checkered histories when it comes to our bodies whether that’s because of sexual abuse or you know even
(31:25) consensual experiences that are then narrated later as having been violation we have self- betrayed and been betrayed as as women and to engage in the setting of conditions for safe pleasure is such a therapy it’s such a therapy it’s such a rewiring and you talk about in fact I just I just wrote this quote from you into my new book The reclaimed woman because I loved it so much you talk about how boundaries right so this like buzzword of boundaries they don’t need to be for self- protection and in fact when they are sometimes you know it it
(32:09) reads as fear and it doesn’t read as self-regard and sometimes it can probably perpetuate you know that that separation that drives the need for for boundaries and the experience that others aren’t taking you and your welfare you know into consideration but you talk about boundaries as being you know necessary for more pleasure to be experienced and I’d love for you to to speak to that because you know when you said that when I was with you in Austin I was like that reframe is exactly what I’m I’m interested in living into
(32:47) because this righteous sort of like you know cold no that a lot of women are encouraged to uphold and I’m all about the no but the experience of no that is in service of a yes I hadn’t heard it expressed quite the way that you did so I’d love for you to to speak to that a little bit yeah you know boundaries are for our pleasure ultimately and it’s absolutely true like most of the time you know I’ve done so many consent workshops and I’ve been trained in the wheel of consent and there’s such an emphasis around having your boundaries
(33:23) and having your know which I think is really powerful and really necessary and I also think it’s as basic and foundational and as firststep beginners as it gets like really you know and so the idea of like evolving from that place of understanding what your NOS are and like being secure enough to really have your no is so important but where do we go from here because people will spend years and years and years tending to a foundation without ever building anything on top of the foundation so if we have this foundational piece the idea
(33:55) is like remembering that ultimately if we are going to be moving through life following our pleasure then when I’m a no to something I’m a yes to something else and if I’m a no to an interaction with somebody it’s because I want more pleasure in my life and having that reframe and and moving with that sort of energy kind of opens you up to like more possibility and invitations and ultimately I think it actually kind of puts you in positions that you are meant to be in and you don’t actually have to use your know that much anymore because
(34:28) because you’re just automatically going to be in situations and environments that are going to be in alignment with your yeses so that’s the idea of like doing the reframe and bringing in the energy of pleasure through our boundaries so you can actually say like I want to open to more pleasure and I I know what I align with and what I don’t align with and that will ultimately you know start bringing you into areas of your life where you’re not even using your boundaries as much anymore because everything around you is going to be
(34:55) more aligned with your truth in the ways that bring you most pleasure exactly my my coach Whitney Lowry who’s actually who introduced me to your work oh yes she calls it you know focusing on creating versus fixing right because if you Orient towards boundaries that way right you’re not spending a lot of energy on validating your no and making sure everybody understands your no and then upholding your no you’ve already trained your focus on what it is that you want to create more of what it is that you want to experience more of what
(35:25) it is that now gets to be on stage because you’ve declined you know another opportunity or another interaction so it really is a mindset shift perhaps even out of the victim Consciousness that can be you know subtly reinforced by this it’s almost like an entitlement energy that’s like no and you better respect my no you know I I spent a lot of years in that place and it doesn’t feel amazing so I L this reframe there’s something else I want to double click on before we talk more about the Retreat because you
(35:59) mentioned if the scene that we had done went wrong you you talk about which I absolutely love also oopsies and ouchies and I just think it’s such it’s such a sweet and humanizing uh perspective on how to like acknowledge that we are we’re just figuring it out together right like we’re just humaning however makes sense to us in the moment and this is not you know this is not a performance life you know that we are we are delivering and if you are you know let’s say in a partnership exploring some of these practices you
(36:41) know how do those Concepts come into play and and why have you found them them useful because I bet you would have recruited some of that had things gone a little funky absolutely you know I think a lot of feedback I get from students and people interested in exploring this world especially with Kink one of the first things they say is like what if I hurt someone like what if I do something and it hurts them or it upsets them or you know like what if that happens and I’m like it’s probably going to happen like this is us being humans and when
(37:13) you put yourself out there it’s a possibility that it may not land the way you’re hoping it will but instead of saying like I’m not going to even try or I’m going to just take myself out without even giving it a chance the idea of like giving yourself language that does lean more towards this innocent idea of like you know oopsies and ouchies or is very childlike almost and it releases us from shame blame and making wrong because in Tantra everything is a yes and things just are essentially so if we if we truly believe
(37:45) that people we’re interacting with have good hearts and have the best intentions I mean aren’t Predators or you know Psychopaths then we can lean into this idea that yeah this this is us being humans and we’re not going to always do it perfect but at the end of the day everything is an opportunity so if I stepped on your toes like let’s say during that experience it did go sideways and you you know started to yell at me or you you know called a timeout it would be an opportunity for me to like reconnect with you lean in
(38:18) not beat myself up like oh I’m an idiot you know or what’s her problem she doesn’t get it you know like there’s so many ways my ego could deal with that but instead if I let my ego just you know sit to the side for a moment I want to lean into the creativity and curiosity and know like you know what’s going on for you like can you let me know because oopsie is about my impact not matching my intention and an ouchie is something happened and it didn’t feel good and I wanted to know like what what didn’t feel good about that so I can be
(38:48) with you and we can get to repair so we can be in right relationship again because ultimately it’s all you know Stan tkin talks about relationships being one third Attunement onethird repair and onethird rupture it’s never 100% Attunement it’s never going to be 100% repair so if I know that you know part of a healthy Dynamic is that ruptures are going to happen but it could actually be in a doorway for more depth and intimacy like you might even share like when you said that really reminded me of my mom and that was
(39:19) really painful memory for me and I might say like tell me more about that and give you an opportunity to share like what that was like for you and I would feel so much closer to you hearing that story about maybe something that happened with your mother that was reminded as I was interacting with you you know and and that opportunity would have never presented itself if I hadn’t done the oopsy or made the mistake so I wanted just believe everything’s an opportunity listen I’m glad everything worked out and that didn’t that wasn’t
(39:49) the case but I also really trust you and I really trust myself that it would have brought us to the places that we needed to go together and it would have brought us into deeper connection and and depth within ourselves and each other ultimately because I was all in my my intentions were pure I was very clear on why I was doing what I was doing and if anything I always just want to keep going back to the intention especially if the ego starts to you know poke its head up I want to just go right back to the intention again which was for
(40:19) helping people learn and to help people love themselves more ultimately was my intention at your Workshop was to help people love themselves more and get excited about possibility the description that you offer of like what these these simple words can create space for is to my mind that’s intimacy right like that is the nature of of intimacy is the willingness to lean in with curiosity to discover why somebody might be having a different experience you know than than you want them to be having or than you intended
(40:54) or both for them to to have and you mentioned a word Attunement and you know it’s a perfect segue to the experience that I had at your retreat where I was able to you know it was almost like I walked into the room of the same energy that literally and figuratively of the same energy that you brought to the stage you know for an entire four days and the space that you hold I mean I I can’t even remember if I’ve ever like I don’t know if I’ve ever been in a an experiential space that felt so comfortable while being like such an
(41:36) edge pushing exploration of uncomfortable things you know and that’s that’s you like that is how you you command the room you create a judgment free like really judgment free not like you know PC inclusive judgment free like TR true a true permission field and you are so attuned you said something that I thought was really resonant because you know my domain is is really you know like hetero manwoman relationships and these are most of the women I speak to it’s my experience so I speak from you know that experience and you said
(42:15) something it was kind of like an off-handed comment but I was like wow that is an excellent summary where you said typically the Attunement of a woman is to a man and not to herself right so we’re talking sexually and then you said the Attunement of a man is to his own desires typically and not to her and so I remember thinking like if she gets that and I’d love for you to like speak a little bit about that then that must be you know the level at which she has observed and is observing like attentional Direction and that’s a lot
(42:52) of what you could say Kink is about right is is attentional vectors but you have this capacity perhaps cultivated you know as a Dom to feel into the needs you know feel when we needed to take a big breath you know feel when we needed a break you know you you kept impeccable time and you shared these practices and resources right so we spent time learning and I already I was like I already know the blueprints you know I’ve already interviewed G like I’ve been coached by one of her coaches for years and and I got so much out of that
(43:27) and you know my friend that I went with had like a life-changing experience just hearing about the blueprint that she is and feeling so validated by that I mean it was it was just watching her I felt like wow this this was worth you know the ticket just to to sit here with my friend having an experience of like just shedding Decades of of Shame you know around what it is that she’s told herself about her sexuality and we a lot of time on very intentional containers for impact play and I would say like even like novice to to moderate skills
(44:07) right it was like Beyond just sort of like the basics and I had the the pleasure of working with one of your your professional Doms so Kelly takes care of herself to receive I wanted you to receive more and more because you know you’re such a leader in these spaces and it was that was by absolute design and caretaking of myself it was fantastic then I had an experience later with I think probably one of like the world’s professional floggers and it was just amazing and the we joked I joked with my friend at some point I was like
(44:40) everybody here is so wholesome I know right it’s like it’s like the people that she attracts you just want to like I just want to like pinch everyone’s cheeks like they’re so kind and like whol I don’t know how else to put it and it was very endearing because that influences a lot of how these practices are framed it’s like who are you actually playing with and especially when everybody’s kind of a beginner it can be dicey it can be very dicey so I would love for you to to speak to this this concept of Attunement how it is
(45:24) that you have come to appreciate its importance and how it is relevant to what you’re teaching in these containers because I felt you know like I really leveled up in that very specific domain even just over those days yeah oh I’m so glad you know I think it it’s interesting because as women and you know this is generally speaking of course but as women we really had to learn Attunement you know quite often it’s part of our survival of being able to be aware of what’s in our environment be aware of who is around us
(46:00) and making sure that we remain safe men generally again speaking haven’t had that necessity as much as most women have so the idea of Attunement really was brought to the Forefront to me probably like 10 years ago repeatedly being in these erotic spaces that usually were led by Men by male leaders and there I I truly believe there was a lot of well intentions and a lot of good Hearts but there was also a lot of consent violations and a lot of misattunement and I noticed I’m like wow it really boils down if you want to have
(46:40) a successful sex life or an erotic experience or a relationship like Attunement is so important because most of the times men and women communicate very differently women have a lot of indirect communication versus men who are very very direct so if you are working with communication and that’s it that’s really only half the battle being able to attune and notice like oh I’m in communication with my partner but I’m noticing that in my body even though my partner said yes to something it doesn’t feel like a yes let me investigate that
(47:12) let me just make sure and I noticed these men in these leadership positions were lacking accountability in a way because they would be like well she said yes you know without really taking into consideration their position of authority and power within that Dynamic and being really clear that like even though somebody’s saying yes with their mouth in that moment everything in their body or their energy field might be saying the complete opposite and if you don’t pick up on that that is a the fault of the leader like ultimately I’m
(47:42) a very big big advocate of letting people know especially when it comes to sex and eroticism it is chaos it is messy it is not black and white it is not super clear so we go back again to the language of oopsy and Ai and take acknowledgement and accountability for the roles and the ways we contribute to everything that happens in our lives and we come back to being in right relationship again that way because the Attunement piece is about holding the me and the we simultaneously it’s about being really connected to self and connected to the
(48:15) things around us so that we can use discernment on how to navigate the world that we’re in it’s really about showing up with what’s real and what’s in reality not the story that’s going on in our head or the agenda we might be on or whatever that happens to us you know ultimately but it’s really about being here in the now present in our bodies and being able to hold the me and we simultaneously I love that and and it’s interesting when you when you bring up how women are adapted to external focus in this way and how often because so
(48:51) much of it is from a place of like vigilance right and securing basic safety so much of it can be projection right so a lot of I know you know this language too but what I teach is around neuroception right so you can see the pile of laundry on the chair and you can think it’s an intruder in your room it’s just a [ __ ] pile of laundry and until you you begin to you know somatically integrate you can misperceive what is outside of you right so it’s like Attunement even if you’re so used to trying to read like what your
(49:27) partner is up to until you have cultivated basic safety in your system through safe containers through boundaries through this practice of coming back to your own body first you can misread and project and and also you know yeah like and then continue to abandon yourself in service of this goal and both people are just sort of like who it’s like Betty Martin says like who who is even having fun here like who is this PO like who who’s experiencing the pleasure we think the other one is because of what we’re doing and it
(50:04) reminds me it’s funny I uh even as a mother I mean who would ever think right these skills would translate from King spaces to to mothering and I see it as all connected I mean the other day so I’m taking one of my daughters and her boyfriend to a to a concert right for her birthday and my other daughter was like no I don’t want to go I’m going to stay home and then we were all all talking about the concert together and I could feel I just felt something in my system that felt a little funky like tight I don’t know how else to explain
(50:36) it and I looked over at my daughter who was not coming to the concert and I just could perceive she wants to go now but she’s like too proud to to say I mean it’s such a mundane example and then I went to her later I said do you think you want to come with us after all and she’s like yeah is it okay oh right so it’s like these simple moments as a mother which in so many ways is is being a Dom right these simple moments where you attune to your own system and therefore you develop the skills to read another’s system and help them Express
(51:13) their needs and then perhaps meet them so it’s I’m I mean I’m just not sure what kinds of skills are more valuable in the world and of course if you can cultivate them through pleasure and play you know like what better path is there oh I love that you had that experience that’s so beautiful and I what it reminds me of is also such a foundational piece is having that regulated nervous system because people are always talking about wanting to feel safe and be safe and I get question I get a question a little bit around well
(51:45) what’s happening in your nervous system and how do you get your like get yourself safe you know and that permission field that we create during the 4day weekend is important but it’s also like an empowerment to say like hey like how do you regulate your nervous system get attuned and present with what is and then how do you make adjustments as necessary to really allow yourself to be here as fully as you really want to be here because ultimately you’re the one in charge here you’re the Dom of your life and we’re here to support and
(52:13) celebrate however that looks but like it really does start with you stepping into your own power and knowing how to navigate that so with men and women even who are exploring erotically women being outwardly focused it’s you know living sort of a half life honestly because being able to be tuned into yourself and like what are my desires what do I want and how do I keep myself regulated so I can you know move with fulfillment and ease and Grace is so important as well yeah it’s how how we live in a safer world I mean that’s what I’ve come to
(52:45) it’s not by you know demanding that the world be safer it’s not you know hoping praying wishing that one day all the bad monsters will die or be put in jail it’s literally these these simple steps of learning how to trust your own discernment because you’re in your own body feeling what your yes is what your know is and you have practiced giving voice to that aligning with that and it’s it’s so much easier to practice that when a container has been specifically created with that intention so I am yeah big big big endorsement to
(53:24) something more and the range of of people who would benefit is is huge you know that’s why it was like such an Eclectic crew with all of this like pure-hearted intentionality around personal expansion and moving through discomfort and alchemizing pain points that are chronic right and you just yeah you just create such amazing conditions for that so I really really really suggest that you know people consider that opportunity thank you so much it is Ely the the cumulation of 23 years of doing this work all around the world
(54:02) with thousands of clients and wanting to bring an experience to people so that they can have a sense of what they really desire in this world and and get them connected to themselves and to what’s possible so I was so glad to see you as part of that experience and yes more please I would love to see you more please yes it’s so good yeah I mean your your Devotion to this path is so felt and witnessed I mean the energy that you put into that I just asked you earlier when the next one is and it’s in June and I was like
(54:34) wow it’s like so there’s so much heart and energy that that you and your team put into that experience and it’s yeah it’s really it’s such an opportunity so I am so blessed to know you to walk this path with you to have you as a guide and Dom and teacher and I I love sharing you with the world so I’ll make sure that that everybody has the links and show notes that they need yeah to you I love I love you I love what you represent and thank you for being such a positive impact in this world and next time I see you you owe me
(55:12) you owe me a spanking my friend I got I gotta skill up let’s go intimidating I want to make sure you paying attention in so good there
