(00:02) we have been duped by feminism sexual Liberation and anti-depressants we have been told that we are powerful and free now as women but we feel tired wired and bitter we’re mostly eating right exercising and meditating wrangling to-do lists and arranging playdates and yet there’s a haunting holess beneath the huge complaint what if I told you that there is a huge Storehouse a reservoir of energy inside of you that has not been tapped that you could feel light and pulsing excited and alive in ways that a wellness lifestyle
(00:49) cannot deliver that you could trust yourself that the world could feel safe and that unexpected and expected Delights could start to illuminate your path no coach therapist doctor or Guru required just you learning to get real present and attentive with you I feel like I’m here to matchmake your inner parts for the greatest love affair ever written I want to help you learn first where you’re buying eggs from the hardware store which is the source of all pain I want to help you master entering through the upset which is the
(01:27) only spiritual practice You’ll Ever Need and to get real comfortable putting on your villain Crown which is in my opinion the key to True power and then you’ll attune to your inner yes so you can live the life defined by the specific pleasure of who you are I am so excited to announce my latest book called The reclaimed woman which is available for pre-order now so if you head to the link in show notes you can learn more about bonuses events and companion offerings and I cannot wait to see your gorgeous face on the
(02:07) [Music] path I’m Dr Kelly Brogan you may know me as a New York Times bestselling author of a book with an exploding pill on the cover Renegade psychiatrist P dancer or honorary member of the disinformation doesn’t what can I say I’m a born provocator I’ve spent most of my recent life exposing deceptions connecting dots and discovering the secret places my inner victim is still waiting to be liberated and now I feel called to help you reclaim all of your parts your health your sexuality your power and your expression so that you can finally
(02:46) truly own yourself I want to ignite in you that inner knowing and the pulsing Vitality that lives beneath your disempowerment disconnection and resentment so that you can audaciously courageously and playfully alchemize your struggle into the specific pleasure of who you are this is Reclamation radio a soulfire production hi I’m Dr Kelly Brogan and welcome back to Reclamation radio so today I want to talk about one of the deep dark treacherous places where the feminine Shadow lives which is in the impulse to get someone
(03:36) else to see right so I have learned and maybe I’m a particularly shiny example of this phenomenon because of my particular defensive structuring but I have learned that the neon lights above my shadow realm are marked with the sign that says I’m going to get you to see and I actually have OB ered that this is really the plight of women in relationship in man woman relating is that we have learned through very valid self-protective mechanisms to stuff our emotions to go into our minds and out of our embodied feeling state so to abandon
(04:19) the post of our own Hearts so that we can attempt to convert what is not available into something that maybe maybe could be available through our strategy through our force of will through our coercion through our efforts to rhetorically intellectually and communicatively change someone who is in front of us so in many ways this is probably familiar because it is buying eggs from the hardware store it is attempting to Source love and connection from what is very clearly at least it’s clear to one part of us the impossible place is to
(05:00) Source Love From The Impossible place and when we are in this trauma based Behavior we actually can’t see clearly what is in front of us it’s a learned practice and commitment to oneself to feel the upset enter through it and begin to peel away the gauze and the veils that obscure you know that Clarity and in these moments where we are having a battle with ourselves on the outside we are not able to see we’re not able to accept what’s in front of us and we’re not able typically because of this defensive pattern to reveal our feminine
(05:50) Hearts to demonstrate and display you know what it is that is coursing through us it’s storyless it is it doesn’t come with a whole litigation level argument for why it is that we feel the way we feel it is simply a state it’s a vulnerable opening and from that place we can choose we can choose how to interact with what is in front of us so when we feel afraid which is usually in the setting of perceived rejection and betrayal and the disconnection that attends these usually decade Old Wounds that are reignited and
(06:37) reactivated by very particular circumstances that you could even say we subconsciously design so as to reencounter these Old Wounds and respond differently but when we feel afraid our weapon as women is not to kill probably right is not to use our force of aggression to subdue it is according to many who analyze the differences in these gender polarities it is to shame right so our capacity to shame particularly men is akin to their capacity to kill and enact violence right so naturally the self-protective impulse is going to be to argue and
(07:24) mount a case for why this person in front of us is bad and wrong and like really actually to the core right so they’re like damaged goods and I have had several personal experiences recently where I was presented a fork in the road so that I could either enter through the upset be with the felt experience and reveal invulnerability or simply make wise and informed choices from that place or I could engage the old pattern of litigating around my upset how it is that I am right that I see with Superior eyes what is going on
(08:11) here and I am going to get this other individual to see my perspective and what’s interesting and I wonder how many of you can relate is that at this point perhaps in our Collective you know maturation perhaps it’s just the individual you know journey I know when I am choosing the Lower Road right like I am aware that I’m doing it there is a part of me that is saying not again Kelly really and so in a couple of these instances like I watched myself really work with the Exquisite discomfort of that entering through the upset you know
(08:55) path and I I knew you know that this is where the expansion and the self-alignment arises from but the discomfort is a threshold that we pass through where we go from really gripping onto this possibility of arguing for our rightness and we relinquish that so that we can actually be totally wrong so it’s like it’s not a subtle thing it’s like you literally go from feeling totally righteous to feeling totally damaged or totally wrong or really without The Mooring of these defenses and that vulnerability interestingly almost
(09:37) always gives rise to exactly the kind of connection that would never be available through the power over Force based path so I have had like I said these recent experiences of being rejected particularly from communities for my beliefs for my behaviors and I have a long history of expressing polarizing energies it must just be what I came here to dance with I don’t know because I have been rejected for my health beliefs for my scientific beliefs I’ve even like been Uninvited you know to a wedding because of my strong opinions
(10:23) this was during pandemic times and I know what it is to be rejected for my mind mind and honestly that was it was never really you know like making the disinformation dozen list it’s funny to me it’s fun I you know obviously there are personal encounters where it’s more tender to navigate however it doesn’t cut to the core for me of where most of my shame lives my mind my intellect to feel rejected and marginalized for that you know it almost even fuels the you know the Weaponry the battlefield sort of like autron right like so in that
(11:03) space I can still play the game and it’s not really tough for me however more recently over the past couple of years as I have decided to express what feels good in my body what brings me joy and to descret aspects of my body and my personal practices I have encountered like massive amounts of Shame and a sense of knowing how to be a woman correctly right and this is where most of the deeper work that I’ve done over the past couple of years as I’ve discussed in so many podcasts has really Arisen from so it’s like somehow to feel
(11:44) rejected for the way that I’m choosing to relate to my own female body feels like an indictment of my very Womanhood right like the discernment around my feminine form just cuts to the very essence of my self-concept so I’ll share a story that’s pretty cringey so I was recently removed from a membership that espouses Christian values and certainly I do not identify as with any denominational religion however I absolutely espouse many of the values that were marketed as a part of this membership Community right and I was removed specifically at
(12:34) the request of many members for my public demonstrations of immodesty and promiscuity so I would love to offer a forensic analysis of this experience in the event that it serves you know you to identify a moment where you are confronted with that fork in the road as a woman and you have well as a person really and you have this choice to make so because I made the old choice I made the old choice so I get this email about how it is that I have been removed and why and I immediately felt so I have grown a decent
(13:21) relationship to my primary emotions and feeling States and I knew what was going on there so in the old days of my you know Incarnation I would not have had any awareness that there was any feeling at all other than an urgent need to respond and to get somebody to see now my somatic sequence is is more known right so I feel like a clenching in my chest I feel like heat waves move under my arms and up my neck and it’s attended by then the defensive impulse to you know really protect myself to defend myself so in that moment that I received
(13:56) the email I felt tremendous shame I felt the shame of being rejected for who it is that I am right so who it is that I naturally Express as and it feels in these moments like it’s irreparable like there’s no solution I can’t be other than well I could try but it’s certainly an uphill battle to be other than what I am and if what I am is bad and wrong then I’m going to be out in the cold right like I’m on the of the road and this level of rejection and exclusion for who it is that we experience ourselves to be is often
(14:40) attended by the sense of being misunderstood and mischaracterized and unseen so what do those sound like right those sound like childhood wounds so we’ll pause here for a message from our sponsor my membership Community vital life project so if you want to hang with me ask me questions in live coaching get free access to my master classes curated content discounts and to the incredible humans that I attract my membership vital life project is where it’s at it’s the only membership of its kind and you’ll shed your struggle
(15:14) transform your victim story and level up your Reclamation game with others who get it join at the linkoln show notes and at Kelly Brogan md.com so as I felt that shame and acknowledged it I again had this opportunity to Simply Be with it so I call it entering through the upset so it’s easy to remember enter your upset enter through there okay Enter through the upset I also had the opportunity to Simply do another you know phrase that I often tout which is to put on the villain Crown to allow this Anonymous individual
(15:53) sending the email to see me as bad and wrong to just allow them to have that perspective and to really try this on right like how true is it that I am immodest and promiscuous well I could see how like one of those could really land as true like immodest I think there might have also been something about profanity right so have a trucker mouth you may not know that because I’m slowly integrating that into my public persona but ask any of my friends and certainly have profane Tendencies could you characterize my Persona behaviors and
(16:32) choices as immodest absolutely the promiscuous bit that didn’t land right so that doesn’t feel true it’s it like simply doesn’t feel true so that is an easy one to argue the other is when I try them on I’m like yeah I guess that is true right so that’s what wearing the villain Crown is as I’ve described you know in a recent episode it’s just try it on right be that bad and wrong person that somebody is you know stating that you are and just just see just see what of it rings true so that you can meet the part of you that agrees that is in
(17:12) collusion with this seeming outer Force reflecting judgment upon you because things only hurt when we are afraid that they are true right when we’re afraid they’re true or we have not given ourselves the permission to hold whatever perspective it is that is coming at us and we need to experience it as other so if I had chosen principally with my time attention and energy to enter through the upset to wear the villain crown and to meet this part of me that lives beyond the shame right lives beyond the terror of being
(17:54) rejected and excluded for being bad and wrong at my very core at my very Essence to my very essence then I would have had an opportunity to develop intimacy through this you know the unforeseen scenario with a dimension of myself that I would probably otherwise have continued to experience as outside of me as not me right so I am not the one who is you know immodest or profane I am not or if I am I have very good reason to be so and you’re wrong about judging me right you’re wrong and bad for judging me as wrong and bad right so I had that
(18:34) opportunity and I like kind of took it but mostly not so mostly not because I took action instead right so I acknowledge the feeling and then I took action but being with the feeling is a self-alignment that is at odds with action right it is at odds with repairing and fixing it’s simply being with yourself meeting yourself attending to yourself expressing compassion and curiosity about yourself and your inner terrain so you stay inside rather than going outside to fix it with the character you are potentially playing
(19:13) out a scene with in this theater of our lifescapes right so I instead wrote a a playful but pedantic and condescending email and I have been able to do this over my life life like I can write these emails in 90 seconds and they can read Like A Treatise right so it’s like I probably could have been a powerful litigator because it’s very easy for me so to raise my sword in these moments is the comfortable thing and that’s why when people have reflected to me like oh you’re so courageous for all your activism like no this is actually my
(19:54) most readily available self-protective and defensive mechanism right so when I write these kinds of communications I mean I have I’ve written 500 blogs that are from this energy pretty much and two books when I write these communications I get societal reinforcement right so my friends and other you know I I get applauded for you know like slaying the email right and and making all of these you know important points about this particular conflict and in this case I had a sneaking feeling as I mentioned that I really could be doing better at
(20:32) this point meaning that not sending this email was the better for me and I still did it and I still abandoned you know that part of me that was asking me to do differently right to respond differently to the same old experience of being rejected and that part of me that is asking me to respond differently is the one that actually wants my attention right wants me to be with myself is inviting me home so I ended up making several arguments about the fear and control based Consciousness that underpins denominational religion the
(21:11) hypocrisy the poison of unacknowledged judgment and you know without using clinical psychiatric terms I introduced this concept of what’s called reaction formation which is essentially embodying the opposite of what is secretly known to be true right so this is like when a politician rallies against you know homosexuality and is you know himself like a closet case that kind of a thing so virtue signaling right is a very it’s very operative in our social landscape right now and the anatomy of virtue signaling is something that I have
(21:51) studied over the past couple of years including in myself right so what is it to imagine that you are good and right in the eyes of a trusted Authority and that it is your job to impose your rightness and goodness on somebody else or on a group of people right so I pointed out you know how their virtue signaling and moralistic High Ground condemnation is in so many ways at the core of exactly what it is that they are seeking to resolve which is this dis connection from God in everything and that maybe underneath this virtue
(22:35) signaling is actually a sense of inner hatred for Humanity fear of humanity not a devotional dedication to doing right you know for Humanity so I went you know on and on about puritanical culture and how you know often what appears to be puritanical culture is is erotically obsessed and sees sex everywhere and this projected repression is problematic I basically pulled an angry feminist card around the Madonna complex and the conflation of sex with the feminine form I you know accuse them of dehumanizing and
(23:22) objectifying I invoked the concept of a Witch Hunt I you know tried to educate them about the hypocrisy of this kind of judging as bad and evil which is inconsistent you know with Christ Consciousness and what it is that they are purporting to uphold and I also suggested that they lacked the Nuance that might be required to navigate the modern moment where there are people like me who are both the Madonna and the and what of it right if you’re called to products for radical healing and personal transformation then
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(24:39) and feel pleasurable I’ve been using their entire line of flower essences for years and I am super what I like to call olfactorily sensitive AKA I love delicious scents so every day I spray one called true strength for support of my masculine and infinite love for support of my feminine and then I put Sacred body Elixir into my water to protect my vessel energetically especially if I’m traveling or out in the world of exposures so for these and more so many more head to Lotus way.
(25:16) com and use the code Kelly 154 15% off the link is in the show notes for you but it was all very well written and I made a couple of jokes and I ultimately felt like I had made an important point for the collective right like I had made an offering to the resolution of so many of the ills of society including the way that this you know victim Consciousness and Associated hierarchical oppressive and condemning othering divisive Consciousness is hiding in places other than authoritarian technocracy and government that it’s also hiding in these places
(26:02) you know where seemingly you know sovereignty loving Christians are you know forming groups so I felt that I had made an important point and I recruited because this is how it works right this is how victim Consciousness works it doesn’t see itself and then it needs it needs Louch right so it needs to be validated externally so I recruited you know my friends and I shared the story and my email and you know most of them were like wow that’s crazy can’t believe that you experienced that right and my friends are very sophisticated and able
(26:40) to like hold so much nuance and Paradox and call me out of my and the one in this particular landscape who called me to the carpet is of course my coach Whitney and she promptly reminded me that there are so many ways in my communication that I was enacting and embodying exactly that which I was judging and generally that I was in the energy of this Shadow habit of women of imagining that it is my role to get somebody who doesn’t see who is ignorant to see the truth that I somehow am privileged enough to see right so it’s
(27:24) that same Shadow material that shows up in romantic Rel relationship shows up in the activist space shows up in interpersonal conflict whenever we abandon the post of our hearts to make the case to educate the ignorant and to coers a sense of awareness in somebody who for some reason just doesn’t get it we often maybe always I don’t know we often end up acting out right so in implying that you know this individual was lacking nuance and an Embrace of complexity that is you know necessitated by the modern moment
(28:04) in human history I was doing that right like I was lacking the Nuance of what it is to have a private membership to be able to have your own rules to be able to exclude whomever you want which is certainly something you know that I believe in the power of private organizations and businesses and like who am I to try to show them what it is that they’re doing wrong and why and that righteousness that moralistic High Ground is exactly what it is that I was judging and so that’s the thing right like when we raise it’s almost like this
(28:36) this metaphor or this image right when we raise the sword to fight for ourselves it’s like you can see yourself in the mirror reflection of the metal right of the sword itself and the discomfort of acknowledging that is elective because most of society will rally around if they agree with you right will rally around your victim story and your point and I just happen to be particularly skilled I think at hiding and couching my Victim story and my Victim Consciousness and my self rejection right because that’s what’s
(29:12) happening right I’m experiencing rejection on the outside but what’s really occurring is I am abandoning and rejecting and betraying the part of me that is holding the feelings about the rejection so that I can go play the game on the outside of sourcing from The Impossible Place some kind of connection or sense of rightness that just isn’t even for sale it’s just not even available so how does that sense of rightness that sense of okayness that sense of acceptance arise from within right like how do I create the
(29:45) conditions for that it’s probably not by attempting to you know from a place of superiority coers that from the outside so these conversion efforts these let me get you to see efforts these here are the reasons that you’re wrong and I’m right efforts from a place of superiority they belly the pain of thwarted merger right so what we really want what our heart’s desire is is that merger is that sense of a shared reality is that sense of connection and when that is not available the hurt of that we’re trained to avoid it we’re trained
(30:31) to run from it we are trained to distract from it through these efforts right to secure just a little sense of ESS in a sea of felt wrongness and the truth is it doesn’t come through that venue right like we no one changes when we approach them from a sense of superiority and in the family constellation World a lot of the work that I have borne witness to and engaged has been about resolving superiority with anyone who we experience as a perpetrator and really seeing ourselves in that character like truly authentically seeing ourselves in that
(31:14) projected you know dimension of otherness so I want to continue to invite myself and I want to invite all of you to consider the next time you you feel that you’ve been wronged to enter through that upset to connect to what you are actually feeling right where is the sensation in your body what does it have to tell you right how would you characterize it can you be with it as if you were with you know a crying baby attend to it and just you know honestly this has taken 90 seconds right to three minutes for it to alchemize right when you do
(32:00) choose to sit with these feeling States and offer all of your attention to them the Alchemy happens very rapidly in my experience and you know if you want to reveal that feeling state if you want to share that from a place of vulnerability the funny thing is you can’t be wrong about that right so when you express like how something felt and you take responsibility for your lived experience your felt experience you can have that sense of rightness that you’re seeking it’s actually not available Beyond like the surrogate hit
(32:37) like the lick of ice cream when what you want is a glass of water when you are attempting to validate your feeling of upsetness when you are litigating when you are you know out in the field of Zero Sum games right I’m right you’re wrong attempting to secure some kind of defeat it actually never feels good because what we want is the connection and the connection is available through that vulnerability and there’s also the option to Simply see what is in front of you right whether it’s your partner whether it’s you know a stranger whether
(33:18) it’s a friend like actually see them for who they are how they’re acting what they’re saying how they’re showing up and then make a choice right do you want this do you not does it work for you does it not and in making that choice you release this reflexive habit of attempting to coers them into what it is that you want them to be even though they have shown you that they are not that thing right and maybe they’ve shown you they are that thing once and then they’re not the next day and maybe that’s what they’ve shown you is the
(33:52) inconsistency whatever it is that you don’t like about what somebody is showing you you have fundamental a choice about how to interact with that and so this reconnection to The Power of Choice can really only happen when we stay with ourselves and resist the reflexive impulse to go up into our heads make the case for why we are entitled to feel what it is that we feel and why we’re right about it so I know that the work for me may not be you know the work for others who have an experience of you know self silencing however I do
(34:33) think the work can be characterized as responding differently than you normally do right so if representing and speaking your truth is something you don’t have a habit of doing then perhaps moving and leaning into that direction is the Avenue for connection and how do you do it through language of self- responsibility and emotional revealing right for me it is to simply put down the sword when it is way easier to pick it up and so I’m offering this little tale really to many of the the activists Among Us and those who are used to
(35:12) fighting the good fight and making the important points but this could be relevant to so many scenarios right including you know if you don’t like that your partner is you know scrolling social media and Harding other women’s profiles right like how is it that you can really see what is in front of you accept it for what it is and be with what comes up in you when you interact with that reality and then make a choice from that place all right I hope this was helpful talk to you soon
